OLD FOGY

SUPPLEMENTED BY

"SIR WINDBAG CONSULTS COUNT LUIE," "AN IMAGINARY OFFICIAL CONSULTATION," "A DEMOCRATIC WAKE," "A COUNCIL OF WAR" AND "A SOLEMN CONCLAVE"

BY

OLD FOGY

LUZON PRESS

E. J. HABERER, Publisher.

1914

[page 3]

PREFACE

As many were not able to secure all the Acts of "A Comedy of Errors" owing to the editions having been exhausted, and as numerous friends have expressed a desire to secure it entire, the author has concluded to publish it, supplemented by four more recent compositions.

With malice towards none and charity to all, this modest booklet is launched on the uncertain sea of literature.

—Old Fogy.

Manila, November 15th, 1914.

[page 5]

ACT I

Dramatis Personae

Caesar . . . . . . . Ruler of the State. Francos . . . . . . Governor General of a Province. Quezox . . . . . . Resident Delegate from the Province. Page.

Scene: Throne Room at the Capitol

Caesar: Most noble Francos, I greet thee heartily.

A function truly noble falls within thy grasp;

And thou wilt with it deal as only sages can.

The distant Isles are now crushed by the pow'r

Of ruthless tyrants, who on plunder bent,

Oppress a helpless, but a worthy race,

Which groans beneath a yoke of foreign make,

And hence it fitteth not the sable necks

On which it now, relentless, firmly rests.

'Tis well, we know, how, filled with visions vain,

Our predecessor sought to stuff those minds

With mental food fit only for those born

To skins of whiter tint, and hence with grasp

Of firmer structure, built by kindly Time,

Who fashioned us in more ennobled mold;

While power divine to cap the climax grand,

With hand so deft, gave it its final touch.

These men with vision faint who planned so vain

Knew not the knightly thought bred in the south.

The north winds chill and stunt the subtle power

Which flourishes alone 'neath southern skies,

To read unerring from the page of truth

That God has fashioned some to mount aloft,

While others grovel on a lower plane.

Hence we must cherish ever in our hearts,

The thought that pigment marks the subtle line;

And so throw off a burden on us laid

By those who blindly cast their shoulders down,

To bear a load which deep ingratitude

Alone will be the recompense for all our pains.

Francos: My liege, I grasp the thought: a burden dark,

Which now each year a golden tribute calls,

Must be disposed of quickly, but so sly

That watching nations may not fling a slur

Upon our honor as we cast adrift

This alien race to face the world alone.

Caesar: Sweet Francos, truly thou hast quick discerned

The thought which wisdom fathered in my mind.

"Be wise as serpent, harmless as the dove,"

Should be our watchword as we scuttle ship,

For there be those who speak with venomed tongues

Of serpents, as we cast them helpless off.

But if we of politicos make use,

And to their clamour lend approving smile,

We may while coolly thrusting them aside,

Meet with the thoughtless world's approving nod.

Francos: Ha! Ha! methinks I see my path made clear

'Twere wise to fellowship with only those

Who, longing for the flesh pots, lend their aid

To further us in this our deep design.

Caesar: Hold! Francos, hold! The very walls have ears.

Suspicion once aroused our game is up

In silence let our worthy scheme mature;

An utterance unwise may spell defeat.

Francos: Most noble Caesar, thou at wisdom's fount

Hast drunk until the fountain hath run dry.

I ready stand to follow each command

Ignoring every judgment of mine own.

Caesar: When I before the gods did minister,

I learned that strategy cured many ills;

And when Parnassus high I made my throne,

I found it well to wield an iron hand.

And now to work our pleasure in these Isles,

'Twere best to blend these methods in our scheme,

Whilst thou with honeyed tongue shall words employ

The callow forum shall my will obey.

But silence! put a padlock on thy tongue;

A word unspoken never worketh harm.

While he who babbles layeth down his shield,

And thus an enemy may work his death.

Francos: Mine ears are open to thine every word,

Would that they could but hear in distant Isles;

For when I beard the lion in his den,

Thy potent thoughts were then a healing balm.

Caesar: Thou sayest well, Francos, but lend an ear;

Avoid our enemies; they counsel ill.

(To Page) But, page, entreat sweet Quezox to attend

While we in converse measure every act.

Enter Quezox: Most honored sire, I come at thy command,

And wait your pleasure; if by any means

My words, convincing, can this matter solve:

The land that bore me bids me loud proclaim.

So we consider wisely, let us call

The Commoner, whose wisdom is renowned.

That he may with us weigh each tangled point,

And thus make our solution doubly sure.

Caesar: Sweet Quezox, caution is a precious thing.

And while 'tis known that council oft is wise,

Yet it were better Wilhelm were left out

For he hath visions which from tender plants

To forest monarchs grow, with roots so deep

Emplanted in the soil, that naught can stir.

Beside, financial ills have him beset,

And he now eager, filthy lucre seeks.

Francos: Most honored sire, I would from Quezox learn

What stern encounters I must early meet.

He from the first did see the canker grow

And hath a remedy, methinks, conceived.

Caesar: Speak, Quezox, speak! and free thy surging mind.

For well I know abuses rankle there.

Our enemies politic, firm entrenched,

Have borne with heavy hand upon thy race.

Quezox: Ah noble sire, how well thy mind conceives

The ills which bear my hapless people down.

Much learning fits thee for the ruler's seat

And keen discernment flashes from thine eye.

There pigmies move within a circle charmed

And fatten on rich spoils with cruel glee.

They force their alien ways with tyrant hands

Upon my people; and with cold disdain

Refuse our council, when 'twere meet and wise.

I beg thee, cast them out, both root and branch

And clean official nests from grafty filth.

Our patriots, able, then can claim their own

And on the ruins build a blissful state.

Caesar: Most noble Quezox, thou hast touched the sore.

In Francos thou wilt find a helping hand,

Council him wise for he the subtle wiles

Of crafty scheming men may not discern.

Quezox: Ah, noble sir, if I advice may breathe,

It were to shun the brood of vultures well.

They're skilled indeed to sing the siren's song,

And play with flattery on honest minds.

I feel 'twere well to journey to these Isles

In company with Francos, at thy will,

Thus guarding him from every idle tongue,

Which might make impress on an open heart.

Caesar: Sweet Quezox, thou art wise, it shall be done.

And as you journey, meditate and plan

To lop off every head that blocks thy way,

Or lacks in sympathy for thy great work.

For Francos hath been trained for civic life

Where virtue reigns and intrigue hath no place.

But with thine aid and to guide a fearless soul,

And Tammany his pattern, all were well.

Francos: Great Caesar, trust me well; I smell the rot

that distance cannot smother, and will clean

The halls of state, and there implant true men.

Caesar: And silence! speak nor write not idle words,

For they are often swords which cleave the soul;

When enemies who wield a cunning hand

Shall thrust them back, and laugh in gleeful scorn.

E'en I regret what in an idle hour,

I thoughtless paged regarding freedom's gift.

And now they sting me, sting me to the soul.

Oh that I ne'er had penned such childish thoughts!

Hence hold thy tongue or honeyed words proclaim

Which may mean little or perchance mean much.

And now farewell, and hie thee on thy way:

Again I say a padlock on thy tongue.

Quezox and Francos moving backward, and making obeisances.

Adieu, most noble Caesar, since the time

When Washington first donned the regal crown.

We'll smoke the woodchucks out and tan their hides

And parchment make, on which, in words of gold,

Shall be inscribed, so all the world may read:

"Saturnine pleasure it to us doth give,

To see them walk the plank from scuttled ship."

Caesar: Ha Ha! but speak it not aloud, until 'tis done.

Both: Whist! whist as mice! We'll oil the guillotine.

Exeunt both while Caesar washes his hands with invisible soap.

ACT II

Dramatis Personae

Francos . . . . . . Governor General of a Province. Quezox . . . . . . Resident Delegate from the Province. Seldonskip: . . . Secretary to the Governor General. Capt of the Ship:

Scene: On shipboard

(Quezox, slowly walking the deck, soliloquizes.)

I feel a mighty task doth bear me down.

When distance held the burden in its hand,

It seemed, that, like a vessel on the stock,

'Twould easy, when the holding blocks were moved,

Slip gently down into the sea of states;

But now that nearness stares me in the face,

Wearing prophetic grin, methinks, I see

Deep obstacles which bar the slippery ways,

On which the ship must glide to waters deep.

A ship to safely sail in troubled seas,

Must boast a captain skilled in wat'ry lore.

But he were helpless, if the vessel's crew

Have not the cunning which of years is born.

Alas, from out the black and threat'ning sky,

One star alone of all the eyes of Night

Doth faintly pierce the gloom and light our way

To safe solution of the knotty point.

If but the Captain wear a stately mien

And walketh deck with slow and kingly tread,

Lieutenants skilled, by filthy lucre bribed,

May box the compass and so save the ship.

But who shall Captain be? Ah there's the rub.

There many be who fain would walk the deck,

Though he who bears the burdens of day

Forsooth should then be decked with laurel crown.

But there be schemers, working in the dark,

Who ready stand to grasp the hanging fruit

While he who plants and watereth the tree

With itching jaws may ne'er its fruitage taste.

Caesar hath said that Francos aid will lend,

To further us in working our designs,

And yet fear whispers to mine anxious mind

Honor hath made his soul its dwelling place.

Hence "graft," even to aid his upward climb

To higher honors, findeth not his ear.

As he hath gold, methinks the chink of coin

Charmeth him not; belike 'twould poorer men.

As skilled musician fingereth the harp,

So must I play upon his prejudice,

Which finds no virtue in politic foes,

And thus shall shrewdness do its perfect work.

But Seldonskip? I love this hombre not.

He looketh on our race with proud disdain,

Hence I with poison must sour Francos' mind,

That he but vileness in this boor shall see.

Some men, I ween, would tread in virtue's path,

Unless strong passion, born of love intense,

Should goad them to stretch out a greedy hand,

And grasp from beauty's bough forbidden fruit.

For lechery, like plaster o'er the walls,

They have no tolerance within their souls:

But there are those who will stalk any game.

Nor like myself, do they beauty demand.

If matters not if but the figure wears

Garb feminine, they'll ready take the scent,

And like to well trained hounds leave not the trail

Until the quarry is at length run down.

And this I must apply to Francos' ear,

Thus breeding deep contempt, clothed with distrust,

For him who puketh up a sour disdain,

From stomach filled with racial prejudice,

That shall his downfall speed, helped by the spleen,

Which pampered youth, fed with a golden spoon,

Must ever show, whene'er its will is crossed.

And thus will I proceed to "cook his goose,"

Until the flesh shall cleave from off its bones.

But as it seemeth to my anxious mind,

I read uncertainty in Francos' eye,

"The welfare of thy people" once he voiced,

Such words make music not unto mine ear.

(Disdainfully)

"Thy people!" So it is that Francos speaks.

Ah! little do the workings of his mind

Discern that we who seek the pow'r to rule

Feel not the Tao blood coursing our veins.

For it by stain Caucasian is submerged;

Still, we a ladder make of sable backs,

To climb aloft into the chairs of state.

Exampling thus: "The fittest must survive".

A narrow man, though cast in honest mould,

May mischief work, while conscience wears a smile.

To Francos' I would dare not ope my heart,

So I must feel my way with catlike tread,

And strive with minor things to stuff him full,

So points of import shall his mind escape.

Francos (drawing near):

I bid thee happy morn, illustrious friend;

A morn portending a most perfect day.

Quezox:

'Tis thus our morn politic brightly breaks

But storms, by Jove engendered, may e'er Night

Enfolds her sable mantle for repose,

Wither the budding dreams that fill our breasts,

And deep within the cave of darkness cast

Ambitions holy which now swell to burst.

Francos:

Good Quezox, why dost thou so deep despond?

Methinks the future wears a gladsome smile,

The children of thy race now spy a star

Which like to that of Bethlehem may lead

Them in the future to a state of bliss.

Quezox:

Ah, noble sire, mayhap our children may,

But what of us who years have now attained?

Francos:

Ah, Quezox, I did only figure use.

Well dost thou know it rests upon their deeds;

But demonstrate their worth and all were well,

And then we'll speed us to our native land.

Quezox: But, noble Francos, we now wend our way

To meet the vermin which do suck our blood,

And they with tongues which serpent-like can charm

May fool thee with their tales of dire intent.

Francos: (striking his breast):

Fear not, they soon shall feel how vain it were

To seek to trick one who, in halls of state,

Hath met the wiles of shrewd, self-seeking men,

But to ward off attack with virtue's shield.

Captain and Seldonskip approach.

Captain: Most noble potentate, as I my rounds

Of observation make, it pleasures me

Most mightily, to make obeisance to

The one so honored by his native land.

As captain of a vessel may be judged

By those subordinate to his command,

So do I quick conception of thee form.

By the broad mental gifts of Seldonskip

Who were the hose, through which thy mind doth squirt

Most sapient thought, for mankind's betterment.

Seldonskip: You bet his wisdom squirts until I feel

As if my think tank were about to bust.

Francos: Good captain, greatly hast thou honored me

And from such worthy source, I doubly feel

The compliment were born from honor's womb;

Anon, with thee would I more converse hold.

(Captain and Seldonskip move off.)

Francos to Quezox:

Good Quezox, this young squirt doth raise my bile,

I fear some contretemps his tongue may raise.

Quezox: Most noble sire, this youth hath long been bred,

To gentle food which fits him ill to wage.

Against his passions all sufficient strife,

I fear lest close relation works you ill.

Francos: Alas 'tis true that soft environments,

Take hold upon the child and grip him fast.

Quezox: And yet if seeds of manhood there inhere

'Twere time for them to sprout and outward shoot.

(Earnestly)

I like not tattling tongues yet I must voice,

A matter which hath cut me to the quick:

On yester morn, I in sweet converse joined,

With one who wears angelic form divine,

When this presuming fop with jeering eye,

Made bold to amble, with convenient ear.

Till we, forsooth, were forced to silence woo.

But let us turn awhile to pleasant thoughts.

What has been fashioned for the glorious day

When we shall thrust our journey in the past

And meet rejoicing thousands at the pier?

(Seldonskip approaches speaks)

Well, Governor, thy message hath on wings

Of lightning sped its hurried way, and now

Methinks the anxious throng which fears the ax,

Will hustle mightily for stovepipe hats

To fit surmount their trembling heads, and so

Make happy pair with coat of Tam'ny cut.

Francos:

Ha! Well 'twere done; but art thou doubly sure

That careless word of wrong import hath not

Enwoofed itself within this note of state?

Seldonskip:

You bet your life, the thing is all O. K.

Francos:

But, my good friend, what hast thou in thine hand?

(Laughingly)

Is it design of some sweet maiden fair?

(Looks at the picture and discovers Bryan)

Ha! Ha! I see, 'tis he who wrecked our choice.

This Commoner hath but a shallow mind

Which like a windmill moves a lively tongue.

(Seldonskip moves off, replacing the picture close to his

breast, muttering)

My fighting cock, you're crowing mighty loud,

But Bryan holds old Wilson in his hand.

(Francos and Quezox walk the deck)

Quezox: Most noble sire, I marvel at the speech

Which from the mouth of Seldonskip doth flow;

For highest office, he no rev'rence feels

And "slang" were but fit outflow of his mind.

Francos: 'Tis ever thus with those born to great wealth

It swells them up and whale like they do spout.

But gold hath pow'r and it were well indeed

Not to seek combat with a foe so stout.

'Twere best to pass their idle blust'ring by

For it doth vanish like the dew at morn.

Quezox: It vomits me to gulp the morsel down

Yet I thy hint, subservient, will obey.

(Aside)

(But wisdom whispers keep thy bolo sharp

And his fifth rib, perchance, may feel its prick.)

Francos: But Quezox, let us in the future delve,

For time doth swiftly waft us to our port.

Where I must Caesar's message loud proclaim

And my strong obligation to you voice.

Our noble functions must be so performed,

That happy impress graves the rabble mind

But thus to meet these vultures with a smile

Doth like a colic make mine honor gripe,

Machiavelian methods were in sooth

The better physic for the patients' needs

And I like good physician must the probe

Thrust in and sound the ugly, gaping wound.

Quezox: Most noble sire, if I may caution speak

It were to all this filthy, croaking brood

Ne'er lend an open ear, for in it they

Will honey-coated poison quick distil.

Francos: Trust me, good Quezox, I to every thrust,

Of treach'rous blade, will offer ample shield.

Methinks I'll place them on the waiting rack

And while I promises sweet-coated make,

Will gently turn the screw until their bones

Do crack. And then to happy period make,

The ax shall deftly lop some waiting head,

With touch most skilful, mellowed by a smile.

Quezox: And, noble sire, I pray thee hasten not

But let it pleasure thee to so proceed

That dire suspense may make the waiting wretch

More keenly feel the act of justice stern.

Sweet to my soul 'twill be to walk the street

And meet prospective victims ere they fall.

The secret, while a tonic to my soul,

Prepays me mightily for past neglect.

Francos: But Ha! The port is nigh and we must hie

(The City in the distance)

Us to our cabins to enrobe with coats

Of Tam'ny cut, and silken stovepipe hats—

(Anxiously)

But, Quezox, tell me, shall we be beset

By bugs and fleas and snakes and creeping things?

And microbes? Are they floating in the air

So that in speech I'll dare not ope my mouth?

Seldonskip (aside) O, shucks! I should worry!

Quezox: Most puissant Sir, dread not the microbes!

A charm, ecclesiastical, well blessed,

Will ward them off; but what befears me most

Is vermin which infest the offices.

(Seldonskip wearing a plug hat, walks slowly along leering

at Quezox).

(Speaks) Oh Rats! Rats!! and then again more Rats!!!

ACT III

Dramatis Personae

Caesar . . . . . . Ruler of the State. Francos . . . . . . Governor General of a Province. Quezox . . . . . . Resident Delegate from the Province. Seldonskip: . . . Secretary to the Governor General.

Scene I. Throne Room at the Capitol.

Caesar soliloquizing.

'Tis done! The die indeed is safely cast.

And Wisdom smiles, while seated on her throne.

'Twere well to kill two birds with one shrewd fling

Of fortune's stone, and thus from grievous ills

Which close enwrapped by robes of custom, are

Work freedom from the threats of cruel fate.

Francos, whose mental woof is frail indeed,

Stood for promotion to important post.

Which might embarrass all the wheels of state,

And so 'twere well within his itching hand

To place commission for those distant Isles

Where mild efficiency can work no harm.

'Tis strange that Francos in the halls of state

So long hath squatted, in a chair too big,

But still much gold can smooth a thorny path

And work discovery of hidden worth.

With modest mental gifts, but gentle mien

He ill is fitted for promotion here.

But it were matter of but little weight

With Quezox as a mentor at his side,

What he shall fashion in his pigmy state,

For squirt from wisdom's fount can quench each flame.

But Quezox? Can I trust this sable knight?

He speaketh soft, but lurking in each smile

Methinks I spy a double meaning there.

'Twere well to bring Dame Caution to the front

And hold this fellow, as he runs, in leash;

For he, while fat with wisdom, may of guile

Be deeply feeding, and from stomach weak

May spew deep discord when we least expect.

I have it! well 'tis known that Wisdom's bird,

While winging daily flight, hath hovered o'er

Our foes politic, and hath often shunned

To make her nest in Democratic boughs.