Alias Santa Claus

By PERCIVAL WILDE

COLLECTED PLAYS:

DAWN AND OTHER ONE-ACT PLAYS OF LIFE TODAY

DAWN—THE NOBLE LORD—THE TRAITOR—A HOUSE OF CARDS—PLAYING WITH FIRE—THE FINGER OF GOD

A QUESTION OF MORALITY AND OTHER PLAYS

A QUESTION OF MORALITY—CONFESSIONAL—THE VILLAIN IN THE PIECE—ACCORDING TO DARWIN—THE BEAUTIFUL STORY

THE UNSEEN HOST AND OTHER WAR PLAYS

THE UNSEEN HOST—MOTHERS OF MEN—PAWNS—IN THE RAVINE—VALKYRIE!

EIGHT COMEDIES FOR LITTLE THEATRES

THE SEQUEL—THE PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT—THE DYSPEPTIC OGRE—IN THE NET—A WONDERFUL WOMAN—CATESBY—HIS RETURN—EMBRYO

THE INN OF DISCONTENT AND OTHER FANTASTIC PLAYS

THE INN OF DISCONTENT—LADY OF DREAMS—THE LUCK-PIECE—ASHES OF ROMANCE—NOCTURNE

CHILDREN’S PLAYS:

THE TOY SHOP REVERIE THE ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS TREE KINGS IN NOMANIA

CRITICISM:

THE CRAFTSMANSHIP OF THE ONE-ACT PLAY

Alias Santa Claus A Play for Children by Percival Wilde Author of “Kings in Nomania,” “The Enchanted Christmas Tree,” etc.

D. Appleton and Company New York :: 1927 :: London

COPYRIGHT, 1927, BY D. APPLETON AND COMPANY

All Rights Reserved

This play is fully protected in all countries by the copyright law, all requirements of which have been complied with. No performance, professional or amateur, no public reading, nor any radio broadcast, may be given without permission of the publisher, D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, 35 W. 32nd St., New York, or D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, 34 Bedford Street, Covent Garden, London, England.

Copyright, 1926, by The Pictorial Review Co. PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Alias Santa Claus

CHARACTERS

[Pg 1]

Alias Santa Claus

It is Christmas day in the Millman home, and the large room upon which our curtain rises is appropriately adorned for the occasion. The lighting fixtures are gayly festooned. A holly wreath hangs at the big window at the back; more wreaths hang from the doors at either side. There is a wealth of hothouse flowers.

Near the center is a very large and magnificently trimmed Christmas tree; a tree so splendid that you gasp when you see it. It is surrounded by a small ocean of gifts; enough to stock a fair-sized store. A gorgeous bicycle has a place of honor; it is hemmed in by a whole library of books, a pair of boxing gloves, two sleds, a regiment of the very latest mechanical wonders, enough musical instruments to equip a miniature band, and any number of games. There is everything you can think of—and more.

The toys are most expensive, and you wonder how many children are to be made happy by them—and then we tell you that they are all for the exclusive use of David Millman, Jr., who is seven years old, and who would greatly prefer permission[Pg 2] to put on rompers, and play on some not too clean floor. But being an only child of a widowed father, and being heir to a string of banks, and at least one railroad, and half a dozen mansions in town and country, he is not permitted to do such things.

As our play begins the room is empty—but not for long. A face peers in through the window at the back, the sash is raised slowly and noiselessly, and a fourteen-year-old boy hoists himself across the sill. He is roughly dressed. His eyes are covered by a black mask with slits in it. Under his arm, with exaggerated care, he carries a gayly decorated box of candy.

He looks about stealthily, tiptoeing about the room. Then he turns to the window to hiss to an accomplice:

Slim

Coast’s clear!

[Bill, another boy, masked, and wearing a badly fitting beard and whiskers, climbs into the room. His appearance is one-half villainous, one-half pathetic. He is thin, and he is suffering from a cold.]

Shh!

Bill

I ain’t makin’ no noise—not a w’isper.

[Pg 3]

[He upsets a chair. It is loaded with mechanical toys, and falls with a fearful racket.]

Slim

Sufferin’ cats!

[They rush to concealment. There is a dreadful pause. Presently they poke their heads out cautiously.]

Bill

Nobody hoid it.

Slim

Dey must be deef in dis house.

[He steals to one door and applies his ear to the keyhole. Bill, timid in the presence of so much luxury, moves to the other.]

Well?

Bill

Naw—not a sound.

Slim

Deef—or asleep!

Bill

Slim, pipe de tree!

Slim

Ain’t it a boid?

Bill

It’s a humdinger! It’s a pippin! It’s a looloo!

[He surveys it from top to bottom.]

T’ink of it, Slim, just t’ink of it: a tree like dat—an’ fer one kid!

Slim

Pretty soft, I’ll tell de woild!

[Pg 4]

Bill

’Tain’t fair! ’Tain’t! Here we got eight young ’uns at home, an’ I promised ’em a tree fer Christmas, an’ dey ain’t got nuttin’: not even a geranium! Gee, wouldn’t dey love dis!

Slim

[Scornfully.]

Are yuh gettin’ mushy?

Bill

[With pathetic bravado.]

Me mushy? I’m hard-boiled!

[Suddenly.]

Say——

Slim

W’at?

Bill

I gotta sneeze.

Slim

Sneeze, an’ I’ll moider yuh!

[He crosses hastily to Bill, and waves his arms grotesquely in a futile effort to prevent him from sneezing.]

Now!... Now!... Now!...

Bill

[Thunderously.]

A-choo!

[Slim hastens to hide; Bill follows. There is another dreadful pause, but nobody comes to disturb them. Presently Bill[Pg 5] becomes visible again. Cheerfully.]

Nobody hoid me.

Slim

[With unlimited sarcasm.]

Dey t’ought it was just blastin’ in de subway!

Bill

Wouldn’t be surprised if dey did. Sounded like it.

Slim

Now keep yer eyes open!

[He crosses stealthily to the tree, and deposits his box of candy at its foot. It is a large box tied up with red ribbon. It is very conspicuous.]

Dere!

Bill

Yer sure it ain’t gonna hoit de kid, Slim?

Slim

Leave it to me!

Bill

[Hopefully.]

Maybe he won’t eat it.

Slim

W’at kid won’t eat candy?

Bill

Dis one’s a millionaire kid.

Slim

He’s a kid just de same, ain’t he? He’ll eat one—maybe two. W’at’s de diff? One’ll do de trick fine an’ dandy. It won’t hoit him none—

[Pg 6]

Bill

How do yuh know?

Slim

Knock-out drops, dat’s all dere’s in ’em. He’ll go off to sleep just as nice an’ easy—

Bill

W’at good’s dat gonna do us? De rest of ’em ain’t gonna go to sleep, an’ dere’s a noice, an’ dere’s a guard dat watches him every minute, an’ dere’s—

Slim

[Interrupting.]

Dey’ll all holler fer help—see? Dey’ll run fer a doctor. Dey’ll leave him right here, alone, an’ dead to de woild, an’ den we lift him outa de winder, wit’out nobody to stop us.

[He rubs his hands happily.]

We’ll get a million—a cool million—outa his dad before we give him back.

Bill

[Eagerly.]

Do yuh t’ink he’ll pay it?

Slim

[Grimly.]

He’ll pay it if he expec’s to lay eyes on dat kid again.

Bill

[Anxiously.]

Slim, yuh wouldn’t hoit de kid?

Slim

I don’t know what I’d do. I’m desprit!

[Pg 7]

[He surveys Bill with scorn.]

Are yuh gettin’ mushy again?

Bill

[With his same pathetic bravado.]

Me mushy? I’m hard-boiled!

Slim

Well, stay dat way!

[He leads the way toward the window.]

Stick to me, Bill, an’ in a week we’ll be rollin’ in money! A million! A million!

Bill

I don’t need dat much.

Slim

[Going out at the window.]

I’ll take w’at yuh don’t want.

Bill

[Following.]

I gotta sneeze!

[Slim’s arm reaches up, grabs him by the collar, and hauls him out head first. The window closes.]

Slim

[Outside.]

Now!... Now!... Now!...

[There is a monstrous sneeze.]

[There is only an instant’s pause this time. Then, from the right, enters Halligan, a brawny middle-aged Irishman, whose business it is to guard the young millionaire.[Pg 8] He is followed by Vicky, the nurse.]

Halligan

I thought I was after hearin’ something.

Vicky

You’re forever hearing things, Mr. Halligan!

Halligan

[Seriously.]

I’m paid to keep my eyes and ears open. I’m on the job.

[He looks about the room, goes to the window and looks out.]

Vicky

[Impressed by his earnestness.]

See anybody?

Halligan

Nary a soul!

Vicky

I’m glad of that! With a young millionaire to look out for, it’s nerve-racking, I tell you! You never know what to expect—you never know what might happen.

David

[Saunters in at the right. He is a winsome, appealing boy of seven, dressed in a most expensive and most uncomfortable manner. There is an eager look in his face—a look of yearning that has never been gratified. What he wants he cannot have,[Pg 9] and what he has means very little indeed to him.]

Hello, Vicky.

Vicky

Master David, you knew you weren’t to come in here until ten o’clock!

David

[Glancing at a wrist watch.]

It’s nearly that now, Vicky.

Vicky

Exactly ten, your father said; ten exactly. He’s very busy dictating letters in his study—he’s brought a lot of work home from the office—but he’s going to give you a few minutes.

David

[Without sentimentality.]

I know what that means: a few minutes.

Vicky

You’re not to look at the Christmas tree until he comes.

David

All right; I won’t look.

[He turns his back squarely on the tree.]

I’ll watch the door, and wait.

[He faces the left-hand door.]

Vicky

[Sotto voce, to Halligan.]

Did you ever see such a child? You’d think he couldn’t help looking.

[Pg 10]

Halligan

He doesn’t care about the tree.

Vicky

[Snapping her fingers.]

Not that much!

Halligan

He doesn’t want to see his presents.

Vicky

Why should he—when he has everything in the world?

Halligan

It’s his father he’s after wantin’, I think. Just that.

Vicky

Shh!

[A clock strikes ten. David glances nervously at his watch. Halligan stiffens to attention. Vicky stands erect, expectantly. The door at the left opens, and Millman, a fine-looking man in his forties, enters briskly, snapping shut his watch as he crosses the threshold. He is all alertness and no waste motion—his time is precious—he never forgets that.]

Millman

Merry Christmas, Davy.

David

[Whose lips are trembling, and whose eyes never leave his father.]

Merry Christmas, Daddy.

[Pg 11]

Millman

[Turning to the others, and handing each an envelope.]

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Halligan

Thank you, sir—and the same to you.

Vicky

Merry Christmas—and thank you.

Millman

Tut—tut!

[He turns briskly toward the tree.]

Well, Davy, and how do you like your tree?

David

[Not glancing at it.]

Very much, Daddy.

Millman

It was nice of Santa to bring you so many presents.

David

Very nice, Daddy.

Millman

[Examining the cards attached to the gifts.]

And here are more presents from your little friends—and your uncle Joe—and your uncle Eldridge—and your uncle Twombly—

David

Yes, Daddy.

Millman

[Examining an envelope.]

[Pg 12]

Here’s an envelope from your aunt Mary—and look what’s in it!

[He draws out a yellow-backed bill.]

David

You take care of it for me, Daddy.

Millman

[Putting the envelope in his pocket.]

Here’s an electric train from Santa. Switches, and stations, and coal-cars—I declare, it’s a wonderful train. Isn’t it, Halligan?

Halligan

It is that, sir.

Millman

You ought to be a very happy boy, Davy.

David

Yes, Daddy.

Millman

[Glancing at his watch again.]

I must go now. You don’t mind, do you, Davy? Important cablegrams—letters—

David

I understand, Daddy.

Millman

[Already in the doorway.]

By the way, there’s a present from me downstairs—a new limousine. Later on you’ll go riding in it.

David

[Rushing to him with pathetic eagerness.]

Will you come too, Daddy?

[Pg 13]

Millman

Sorry, Davy—haven’t time.

[He pats the boy’s head and nods pleasantly to the others.]

Good morning.

[The door closes behind him, and David, as if struck by a blow, withdraws again into his shell.]

Vicky

A fine gentleman, Mr. Millman!

Halligan

That he is!

Vicky

Did you see the check he gave me?

[Shows it.]

Halligan

Just take a look at this one!

Vicky

[Fervently.]

The salt of the earth!

Halligan

A fine gentleman!

David

[Who has been motionless, now turns to Halligan, in joyous assent.]

A fine gentleman, isn’t he, Halligan?

[Proudly.]

When my father walks along the street everybody stops to look at him! I can see the people nudging[Pg 14] each other, and saying, “There goes Mr. Millman.” And the newspapers send men here to take his picture—but father’s too busy to let them do that. And when I go out I hear everybody say, “There goes Millman’s boy.” And all the policemen touch their caps and talk to me.

Halligan

Yes, I’ve seen that many a time.

David

And it’s all because daddy’s such a fine man!

Halligan

[Finding the statement difficult to correct.]

Yes; I guess that’s the reason.

[He is in distress.]

Vicky

[Coming to the rescue.]

Now you may look at the tree, Master David.

David

[Suddenly unenthusiastic, barely glancing at the tree.]

It’s very nice.

Vicky

Is that all you can say about it?

David

It’s just as nice as the one we had last year—and that was the nicest I ever saw.

Vicky

[Taking up the gifts.]

Boxing gloves!

[Pg 15]

David

[Tentatively, knowing what to expect.]

May I put them on?

Vicky

Some day, perhaps—not just yet. Sleds!

David

May I go coasting on them?

Vicky

Next year, maybe—not now. A trumpet?

David

May I blow on it?

Vicky

Mercy, no! Not until it has been boiled.

David

But that’ll spoil the paint.

Vicky

Better to spoil the paint than to ruin your health.

David

[Disappointed.]

Oh, all right.

Halligan

[Coming to the rescue in his turn.]

I have a list of the presents here.

[He produces a long sheet.]

Two railroad trains—complete.

David

[Not boasting; simply stating facts.]

I have four already.

[Pg 16]

Halligan

Two phonographs.

David

I have three—and I can’t play more than one at once.

Halligan

Your cousin Willy sent you a set of books.

David

And what did I send him?

Halligan

[Referring to the list.]

You sent him a Boy Scout outfit.

David

Why didn’t he keep the books and send me the outfit?

Halligan

[Avoiding the question.]

Your aunt Genevieve sent you a bicycle.

David

[Interested despite himself.]

Oh, that’s nice!

[He moves toward it.]

Vicky

[Interposing.]

You may ride on it when you’re older.

David

But not now?

Vicky

[With real solicitude.]

You might hurt yourself, Master David.

[Pg 17]

David

[Crestfallen; turning to Halligan.]

Don’t read me any more, Halligan.

[Christmas is a complete failure so far as he is concerned. Vicky realizes it, and directs his attention to the gifts.]

Vicky

Look: a tennis racket.

David

[Despite himself.]

That’ll be fun this summer!

Halligan

It will that!

David

I may play with it?

Vicky

All you like.

David

Good! Watch my overhand!

[He swings the racket.]

Vicky

[Taking it from him.]

Not in the house, Master David; you’ll break something.

David

I knew there was a string tied to it.

Vicky

[Indicating.]

Golf clubs.

[Pg 18]

David

For the summer?

Vicky

Naturally for the summer.

David

[Nodding.]

I see; it’s winter now.

[He sees a pair of ice skates, and takes them up.]

Do these have to wait for the summer, too?

Halligan

[Impressively.]

You’re to go to the rink with them this afternoon.

David

That will be nice!

Vicky

They’re a gift from us, Master David—

Halligan

From me and her.

David

[Sincerely.]

Thank you, Vicky.

[He kisses her.]

Thanks, Halligan.

[He shakes hands.]

You couldn’t have given me anything I’d like better.

[He feels the edge.]

They’re sharp, aren’t they?

[Pg 19]

Halligan

I saw to that.

Vicky

[Alarmed.]

Be careful, Master David!

David

[Smiling.]

You aren’t going to get them away from me!

[He gives them to Halligan, and turns back to the tree.]

Look!

Halligan

[Following his glance.]

Candy!

Vicky

[Horrified.]

Candy? Who sent it?

Halligan

It’s not down on the list.

Vicky

[Kneeling to examine it.]

There’s no card.

David

I guess it came from Santa Claus.

Vicky

[Reluctantly.]

Of course you mayn’t eat it.

David

That’s all right, Vicky; I don’t mind.

[Pg 20]

Vicky

[Who has opened the box.]

There’s no card inside, but it looks lovely.

David

I mayn’t have any, Vicky; eat it yourself.

Vicky

Do you really want me to?

David

Of course, Vicky.

Vicky

[Eating and smacking her lips.]

They’re good! Have one, Mr. Halligan?

Halligan

I don’t mind if I do.

[He eats a candy.]

David

[Watching with interest.]

What do they taste like?

Vicky

Chocolate—

[Taking another.]

Halligan

With strawberry cream inside—

[Taking another.]

Vicky

This one has a cherry.

Halligan

This has a walnut.

[Pg 21]

David

Santa Claus makes good candy, doesn’t he? Some day, when I’m older, he’ll make some that I can eat. I’d like that!

Vicky

Another, Mr. Halligan?

Halligan

I don’t mind if I do.

[He pauses, and looks toward the door.]

Now, it isn’t up to me to say what I’m thinkin’, and nobody knows that better than myself, but it’s cruel not to let him have a taste.

Vicky

Mr. Halligan!

Halligan

Who ever heard of candy hurtin’ anybody?

Vicky

Orders are orders, and they’ll be followed!

[She relents, and, about to put the lid on the box, offers it a last time to Halligan.]

More?

Halligan

[Swallowing hard and passing his hand over his forehead.]

No, thanks.

Vicky

[Rising suddenly and tottering.]

Mr. Halligan—I don’t feel well. Please get me some water.

[Pg 22]

Halligan

[Alarmed; hastening out of the room.]

Right away!

David

What’s the matter, Vicky? Vicky, dear?

Vicky

It’s nothing, Master David. It’ll pass away in a minute.

[She sways, and David steadies her.]

I feel dizzy—very dizzy—all of a sudden.

David

Sit down, Vicky.

Vicky

[Catching the back of a chair.]

I can’t imagine what’s wrong. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Why doesn’t Halligan bring the water? Why doesn’t he bring it? I’m so dizzy—so dizzy.

[From the hall at the right there is the sound of a heavy fall, accompanied by the crash of breaking glass.]

David

[Alarmed.]

Halligan fell!

Vicky

[Reeling toward the door.]

Mr. Halligan! Mr. Halligan! I’m afraid I’m going to faint.

[Pg 23]

[On the threshold a sudden suspicion comes to her, and she pulls herself together with a heroic effort.]

David! Davy, boy. Don’t touch the candy!

[She collapses on the threshold.]

David

[On his knees at her side.]

Vicky! Vicky, dear! Answer me, Vicky!

[During the last few seconds the window has been raised, and Slim has come into the room.]

Slim

[To Bill, who follows.]

It woiked.

Bill

De kid didn’t eat de candy.

Slim

De udders did—dat suits me.

David

[Rising to confront the newcomers.]

What are you doing here?

Slim

We come after yuh—

Bill

[Pushing Slim to one side easily.]

Nuttin’ to get excited about, kid; yer lady friend’s all right—see?

[He leads David back into the room; Slim thrusts the door shut, and locks it.]

She’s just daydreamin’—takin’ a little cat nap. It[Pg 24] won’t hoit her a bit—honest! She’ll feel fine when she wakes up.

David

What happened to Halligan?

Bill

He’s daydreamin’, too. De two of ’em are daydreamin’ togedder—nice an’ sociable-like—see? Dey’re dreamin’ about de little boidies singin’ in de tree tops. Ain’t dat pretty?

[Slim has come forward. Bill waves a hand.]

Meet my friend Slim.

David

[Extending a hand.]

How do you do?

Slim

[Shaking hands.]

Pleased to meet-cha.

Bill

Slim an’ me—we’re gonna look after yuh fer a w’ile.

David

Yes?

[He looks up at Bill with sudden recognition.]

You don’t have to tell me who you are!

Bill

[Worried.]

I don’t?

[Pg 25]

David

I’ve seen you before!

Bill

Yuh know my name?

David

Of course! Who doesn’t?

[He pauses while Bill plainly shows his anxiety.]

Why, you’re Santa Claus!

Slim

[Overcome and relieved.]

W’at? W’at did yuh say?

David

[Laughing.]

You’re Santa Claus, and you know you are!

Slim

Ha! Ha!

[He breaks into guffaws.]

Bill

[Poking Slim violently in the midriff with his elbow.]

Yuh guessed it right de very foist time, kid. John W. Santa—dat’s me!

[He tidies his impossible beard and whiskers.]

David

I knew you right off!

Bill

Yuh sure did!

[Pg 26]

David

[Intensely interested, catching his hand.]

Did you have a cold trip coming here?

Bill

W’at’s dat?

David

Wasn’t it cold, coming all the way from the North Pole?

Bill

Well, it wasn’t so bad after we got to a Hunner an’ Twenty-fift’ Street—

David

[Fascinated.]

No?

Bill

Den de goin’ was pretty good.

David

But before you got there?

Bill

It was a wee bit chilly.

Slim

It was sixty below.

David

Sixty below what?

Bill

Not below nuttin’. Just below—see?

[He gesticulates vividly, placing his hand parallel to the floor at the level of his ankles.]

[Pg 27]

Dat was w’ere I caught cold. I gotta sneeze.

Slim

Now!... Now!... Now!

David

Oh, let him sneeze!

[Bill sneezes.]

God bless you!

Bill

Much obliged.

David

That’s all right. I always say “God bless you” when anybody sneezes.

Slim

[Returning to the main topic.]

We’re gonna take care of yuh—me an’ Bill.

Bill