Cream of the Jug

An Anthology of Humorous Stories

EDITED BY

GRANT OVERTON

HARPER & BROTHERS NEW YORK AND LONDON 1927

COPYRIGHT, 1927, BY HARPER & BROTHERS. PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FIRST EDITION H-B

FOREWORD

A good many harsh things are likely to be said about this collection of humorous stories and I may as well get in first by saying a few of them right here. Not all of them are likely to strike any given reader as being humorous; certainly not all of them are humorous in the same sense nor in anything like the same degree. Humor, from the writer's standpoint, can hardly be defined except as a method of presenting material; from a reader's standpoint, as anything and everything conducive to good-natured laughter. Humor may be brief; perhaps is better so; nevertheless I have aimed to include only humorous writing which also tells a fully-rounded story—writing in which the humor is incidental to the story unless you, the reader, find it otherwise.

There is plenty of evidence that I have had further formulas. Some of it is misleading. I did not, for example, consciously select a humorous negro story, a humorous animal story, a humorous Jewish story, and so on. With more truth it can be alleged that I made this book by culling a specimen of the work of this well-known writer of humorous yarns, and that one. Still, there are one or two stories by less well-known writers. And it is perhaps natural in any department to think of a few who are outstanding and to say, "The collection won't be representative without a story by Blank." In the end you match Blank's tale against one by somebody else and are not thunderstruck if Blank's is the better. It is his faculty for being better that has got him his fame.

That there is only one story by a woman is as much of a surprise to me as it can be to anybody. Probably, if my task were perfectly done, there would be not less than three.

I have, however, failed to include only one story which I wished to put in. This failure was due to the author's refusal of permission, for no given reason.

Of course there are hundreds and probably thousands of stories I have not read, and there must be omissions which, apart from the element of individual appraisement, are mistakes. I shall be glad to know about these. But in suggesting them it is fair to ask you to bear in mind that I have been concerned only with American writers or those who, like P. G. Wodehouse, have as it were adopted us and been adopted by us; and that I have dealt almost exclusively with stories of the last two years. I have also avoided in the majority of cases stories already published in book form.

Should this book meet with favor, another collection of the sort is not impossible, and for that I shall value suggestions to improve on the present volume. They should generally be:

Fully-rounded "stories" of usual length.

By Americans; especially by women.

Published in a magazine in 1926 or 1927.

As yet unpublished in book form.

I can think of no other specification except the fundamental one—that the story should have made you laugh, early and often. I hope some of these may do that.

GRANT OVERTON

1 July, 1927

CONTENTS

I'M IN A HURRY William Hazlett Upson

THE CUSTODY OF THE PUMPKIN P. G. Wodehouse

THE MILKY WAY Stewart Edward White

LA BELLA GINA Eleanor Mercein Kelly

CLASSICS IN SLANG: ROBINSON CRUSOE H. C. Witwer

THE PUSHER-IN-THE-FACE F. Scott Fitzgerald

ALMOST A GENTLEMAN Edward Hope

ARABIAN KNIGHTS Octavus Roy Cohen

THE SIXTH MCNALLY Montague Glass

ZONE OF QUIET Ring W. Lardner

I'M IN A HURRY

By William Hazlett Upson

WILLIAM HAZLETT UPSON

William Hazlett Upson was born at Glen Ridge, N.J., on September 20, 1891, the son of a lawyer practicing in New York City. After graduating from the agricultural college at Cornell University he tried farming for three years and was glad to quit to become a soldier. He was a private in the field artillery and saw service in the latter half of the Marne-Aisne offensive and in the St. Mihiel and Argonne operations. After the Armistice he spent the winter in Germany as one of the Army of Occupation.

He returned from abroad to pick up a job as a service mechanic with a tractor company and in the next few years he learned all about tractors and a good deal about how to sell them.

A long convalescence from illness set him to writing. William Almon Wolff showed him how to revise a story that was getting rejections and then sold it for him. Upson was very busy marrying, and writing more stories, which also sold. He went back to work for the tractor company and for almost a year did that job in the daytime and wrote at night. He has been writing since 1922 and said good-by to tractors, except in his stories, a long while ago.

Upson has written nearly all his stories from material that he accumulated in his years as a farmer, his months as a soldier, and his time with the tractor industry. Often a humorist, it is improbable that he will ever write a funnier story than "I'm in a Hurry," which has generally been adjudged one of the most perfect humorous stories in recent years. "I'm in a Hurry" was first published in Collier's for May 2, 1925.

I'M IN A HURRY[1]

[1] Copyright, 1925, by William Hazlett Upson.

DRY RIVER JUNCTION, TEXAS October 1, 1924

To The Farmers Friend Tractor Company Earthworm City, Illinois

Dear Sir: I'm in a hurry I want a new main drive gear for my tractor. This tractor was formerly owned by Joe Banks of Llano, Texas, and bought by me at the auction after he died. The main drive gear in the tractor has busted and I just been over and asked the widow Banks where Joe used to buy parts for his tractors and she said she aint sure but she thinks it was The Farmers Friend Tractor Company, Earthworm City, Illinois. So please let me know if you are the folks, and if so please send the gear at once. As I am in a hurry. It is the main drive gear. It is the big bull gear in the back end of the transmission that goes round and round and drives the tractor excuse this paper as my regular business letter paper has not come yet yours truly,

DAVID CROCKETT SUGGS.

FARMERS' FRIEND TRACTOR COMPANY MAKERS OF EARTHWORM TRACTORS

EARTHWORM CITY, ILL. October 3, 1924

Mr. David Crockett Suggs Dry River Junction, Tex.

Dear Sir: This will acknowledge receipt of your letter of October 1, in which we note that you request us to send you a gear for your tractor.

In this connection we are pleased to advise that an inspection of our files reveals the fact that Mr. Joseph Banks of Llano, Tex., was the owner of one of our old-style Model 45 Earthworm Tractors. Mr. Banks acquired this tractor on June 3, 1915. We are changing our records to indicate that this tractor has been purchased by yourself, and we are most happy to assure you that all the resources of the Farmers' Friend Tractor Company are at your service and that we can supply you promptly with everything you may need in the way of spare parts, service and information.

We regret, however, that your description of the gear which you desire is not sufficient for us to identify same, as there are a number of gears in the transmission to which the description "main drive gear" might conceivably apply. Kindly look up this gear in the parts book and advise us the proper part number and name as given therein. When necessary information is received, immediate shipment will be made.

In the meantime, we wish to extend you a most cordial welcome into the happy family of Earthworm users, to congratulate you upon selecting an Earthworm Tractor—even though it be of such an old model—and to assure you of our constant interest and desire to coöperate with you to the fullest extent.

Very truly yours, FREDERICK R. OVERTON, Parts Department.

DRY RIVER JUNCTION, TEXAS October 6, 1924

To The Farmers Friend Tractor Company Earthworm City, Illinois.

Dear Sir: I got your letter I got no parts book. I asked the widow of Joe Banks, who is the man that owned the tractor before I bought it at the auction after he died, I asked her did they have a parts book for the tractor and she said they once had a parts book but it is lost. I would look up the gear in the parts book if I could, but you can understand that I cant look up the gear in the parts book if I got no parts book. What I want is the big bull gear way at the back. The great big cog wheel with 44 cogs on it that goes round and round and drives the tractor.

I'm in a hurry because the tractor is unfortunately broke down right while I'm doing a very important job for Mr. Rogers of this city. The tractor run fine until 3 P.M. October 1, when there came a loud and very funny noise in the back and the tractor would no longer pull. We took the cover off the transmission case, and this big cog wheel was busted. Six cogs was busted off of it, and the tractor will not pull, only make a funny noise.

I am a young man 24 years of age just starting in business and expect to get married soon, so please send the gear at once as I'm in a hurry and oblige,

DAVID CROCKETT SUGGS.

FARMERS' FRIEND TRACTOR COMPANY MAKERS OF EARTHWORM TRACTORS

EARTHWORM CITY, ILL. October 9, 1924

Mr. David Crockett Suggs Dry River Junction, Tex.

Dear sir: This will acknowledge your valued letter of October 6, stating that you desire a gear for your tractor, but are unable to give us the parts number of same owing to the fact that you have no parts book. We have carefully gone over your description of the gear, but we regret that we have been unable positively to identify what gear it is that you desire. We note that you state the gear has 44 teeth and we feel sure that some mistake has been made, as there is no 44-tooth gear in the tractor.

We are therefore mailing you under separate cover a parts book for the Model 45 Earthworm Tractor, Year 1915, and would suggest that you look up the gear in this book, and let us know the part number so that we can fill your order.

Unfortunately we are not able to supply you with a parts book printed in English.

Nearly all of the old-style Model 45 tractors were sold to the French Government in 1915 to be used in pulling artillery on the western front. As only a few of these tractors were sold in America, the edition of English parts books was very limited and has been exhausted. We are, however, sending you one of the French parts books.

We regret exceedingly that we are obliged to give you a parts book printed in a foreign language; and we realize, of course, that possibly you may be unable to understand it. However, you should be able to find the desired gear in the pictures, which are very plain.

Kindly give us the part number which is given under the picture of the gear, and we will make immediate shipment.

Very truly yours, FREDERICK R. OVERTON, Parts Department.

DRY RIVER JUNCTION, TEXAS October 12, 1924

To the Farmers Friend Tractor Company Earthworm City, Illinois

Dear Sir: Your letter has come your book has come you was right when you said I might not understand it. I cant understand the Dago printing and I been looking at the pictures all evening and I cant understand the pictures they dont look like nothing I ever seen. So I cant give you no part number, but I'm in a hurry so please send the gear anyway. It is the one way at the back. You cant miss it. Its not the one that lays down its the one that sets up on edge and has 44 teeth and meshes with the little one with 12 teeth. The little one goes round and round and drives the big one. And the big one is keyed on the main shaft and goes round and round and drives the tractor. Or I should say used to go round and round, but now it has six teeth busted out and wont go round—only makes a funny noise when it gets to the place where the teeth are busted out.

I'm in a hurry and to show you that I need this gear quick, I will explain that the tractor is laid up right in the middle of an important job I'm doing for Mr. Rogers of this city. I'm a young man, age 24 years, and new at the house moving business and I want to make a good impression and also expect to get married soon.

When Mr. Rogers of this city decided to move his house from down by the depot up to the north end of town, and give me the job, I thought it was a fine chance to get started in business and make a good impression. I got the house jacked up, and I put heavy timbers underneath, and trucks with solid wheels that I bought from a contractor at Llano. And I bought this second-hand tractor from Joe Banks at Llano at the auction after he died, and all my money is tied up in this equipment and on October 1, at 3 P.M. we had the house moved half way to where they want it, when the tractor made a funny noise and quit. And if I don't get a new gear pretty soon and move the house the rest of the way I'll be a blowed up sucker.

I'm just starting in business and want to make a good impression and I'm expecting to get married so please hurry with the gear. Excuse paper as my regular business paper has not come yet and oblige,

DAVID CROCKETT SUGGS.

FARMERS' FRIEND TRACTOR COMPANY MAKERS OF EARTHWORM TRACTORS

EARTHWORM CITY, ILL. October 14, 1924

Mr. David Crockett Suggs Dry River Junction, Tex.

Dear Sir: This will acknowledge your valued favor of October 12, and we regret exceedingly that you have been unable to locate the part which you desire in the parts book, and that consequently you have been subject to annoying delay. As it is always our desire to render the greatest possible service to Earthworm Tractor owners, we have gone into this matter with the greatest of care; and after checking over very thoroughly the descriptions given in your latest letter, and also in former letters, we have come to the conclusion that the gear you desire is the 45-tooth intermediate spur gear, symbol No. 6843, as illustrated on page 16 of the parts book. We note that you state that the gear has 44 teeth, but as there is no such gear in your model tractor, and as No. 6843 gears fits the description in other particulars, we can only assume that you made a mistake in counting the number of teeth in the gear.

Accordingly we are shipping you by express this afternoon one No. 6843 gear, which we trust will prove to be the part desired. Assuring you of our constant desire to render you every possible service, efficiently and promptly, I remain,

Very truly yours, FREDERICK R. OVERTON, Parts Department.

DRY RIVER JUNCTION, TEXAS October 18, 1924

To The Farmers Friend Tractor Company Earthworm City, Illinois

Dear Sir: Your letter come yesterday your gear come to-day C.O.D. $41.26 and not only that, but it is no good and it wont fit. It is not like the old gear. It looks like a well made gear but there is nothing like it on my tractor so it is no good to me it is too big it wont go on it wont fit on the shaft. And if it did fit on the shaft, it would not work because it is too big and the teeth would not mesh with the teeth on the little gear, and it ought to have 44 teeth like I said, not 45. So will you look this up again more carefully and send me the right gear and send it as quick as possible? I'm in a hurry, and I will explain to you how things stand so you can see I am no liar when I say I got to have this gear right off or I am a blowed up sucker.

I am new in the house moving business and I am moving a house for Mr. Rogers of this city, and Mr. Rogers is a very stubborn old cuss and he insisted that the house be moved all together—which includes the main part which is two stories high and built very strong and solid, and also the front porch which sticks out in front and is built pretty weak, and also the one-story kitchen which sticks out behind. The kitchen is very frail.

But Mr. Rogers did not listen to me when I wanted to move the kitchen and front porch separate from the house. So, as I am a young man and new at the house moving business and anxious to make a good impression, I tried to do it like he wanted. I jacked up the whole works all together, and put timbers underneath, and heavy trucks that I bought from a contractor at Llano, and we came up from the depot fine—the tractor pulling good and the little old house rolling along smooth and quiet and beautiful. But at 3 P.M. October 1, just as we was going past Jim Ferguson's Drug Store on the main street of this city, there come a funny noise in the tractor, and we have been stuck ever since waiting for a new gear because the tractor will not run with six teeth busted out of the old gear.

So you can see that it is no lie that I am in a hurry, and I will explain that for 2 and ½ weeks, no traffic has been able to go past Jim Ferguson's Drug Store. All traffic on the main street of this city has been detoured—turning to the right through the field next to Johnson's Garage, following the back lane past the shed where Harvey Jenkins keeps his cow, and then around Wilson's Hardware Store and back to the main street, and all this owing to the stubbornness of old man Rogers making me take the porch and the kitchen along at the same time.

The porch is now resting two feet from the drug store and the kitchen just three feet from the post office on the other side of the street. If old man Rogers had listened to me and we had taken the kitchen off, there would have been room for traffic to get past, but now we cant take the kitchen off on account of being so jammed up against the post office, but people dont figger on that and everybody in town blames it on me that traffic is held up, which is very wrong as I am doing the best I can.

And now old man Rogers says I contracted to move his house, and I had better hurry up, and he says why dont I hire some horses but I say horses would be unsafe, because when they get to pulling something very heavy they get to jerking and they would be liable to jerk the house and injure it, owing to the fact that Mr. Rogers was so stubborn as to make me leave the kitchen and the porch on the house, thus weakening it. And besides I got no money to waste hiring horses when I got a tractor already, so you can see why I'm in a hurry being anxious to make a good impression and get married.

Please send at once the right gear which has FORTY-FOUR TEETH (44), because the old gear has 38 good teeth, and 6 busted off, making 44 like I said, not 45. And the right gear is an inch narrower than the one you sent, and the hole through the middle is smaller. I am making a picture so you can see just what gear it is, so please send it at once and oblige,

DAVID CROCKETT SUGGS.

FARMERS' FRIEND TRACTOR COMPANY MAKERS OF EARTHWORM TRACTORS

EARTHWORM CITY, ILL. October 21, 1924

Mr. David Crockett Suggs Dry River Junction, Tex.

Dear Sir: This will acknowledge receipt of your letter of October 18, from which we note that you are having trouble in installing in your tractor gear No. 6843, which we shipped you on October 14.

We regret exceedingly that you have had this trouble, and to the end that the basis of the difficulty might be discovered, we have carefully checked over your former correspondence and have at length come to the conclusion that gear No. 6843, which we sent you, is the proper gear. We are therefore at a loss to understand why you have been unable to use it, and can only suggest that you may possibly have made some error in installing it.

To obviate this difficulty we are to-day mailing you, under separate cover, a copy of our latest instruction book on the care, operation and repair of Earthworm Tractors. We regret that this book was prepared for the new-style tractors, but as the method of installing transmission gears is essentially the same in both old- and new-style tractors, we feel sure that you will have no trouble in applying the instructions to your old-style tractor. Please study carefully the pictures and full descriptions on page 34, and if you proceed as directed we feel sure you will experience no further difficulty in installing the gear.