CONTENTS

WHAT HE WANTED

HIS CHOICE

NOT IN THE REGULATIONS

CHEAP TALK

SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT

A CANDID CRITIC

WHAT'S IN A NAME

WHY BROWN LEFT

AN ASS'S SHADOW

GRACE

MISUNDERSTOOD

TRUMPS

THE STUTTERER

PRESENT AND FUTURE

THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE

A PASSOVER STORY

EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE

BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER

A GOOD PUN

SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT

THE UNWELCOME GUEST

A LOST BALANCE

A BAD CROP

NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES

JAW-ACHE

HER PROGRAMME

THE PROUD FATHER

A MIRACLE

KEEPING TIME

QUESTION AND ANSWER

MOTHER'S JAM POTS

WISDOM

WHY NOT?

THE OLD FARMER

ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER

TACT

THE RETORT RUDE

THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE

CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP

THE BEST JUDGE

A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE

A SHIPWRECK

A SAFE CASE

THE WATCH MENDER

THE CITY CHURCHES—AND OTHERS

HIGH PRINCIPLES

THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE

CANNY SCOT

A NICE DISTINCTION

NOT TWO-FACED

CLERICAL WIT

A COSTLY EXPERIMENT

A GOOD REASON

ECONOMY IN THE STABLE

THE PATRIARCH

HIGH AND LOW

BEER

NOT IMPORTUNATE

THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON

UNION IS STRENGTH

COURTSHIP

TO LET

CUT AND COME AGAIN

THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT

KISMET

THE YOUNG IDEA

THE NEW BABY

HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES

THE SHE BEAR

KNOWLEDGE

A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS

THE EARLY BIRD

TABLE TALK

TROUBLES

A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND

DRY HUMOUR

THE CHURCH ORGAN

COMMON PRAYER

SHORT COMMONS

TRUTH

A WRONG CHOICE

FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD

A CHARACTER

HUSBAND OR COW

A NEW METHOD

GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED

ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD

COLD FEET

BUSYBODIES

ALDERMANIC TASTES

"WARRANTED TO KILL"

PROFESSIONAL

THE NEW VERSION

DRAUGHTS

TENDERNESS

HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP

HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE

A GOOD EXAMPLE

A MISFIT

A CHEERFUL INVITATION

THE INEVITABLE RESULT

JUSTICE

THAT AWFUL CHILD

A COSMOPOLITAN

CLOTHES AND THE MAN

A WITTY REPLY

THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET

GRAMMAR

ONE SIDE AT A TIME

COMPANY

HER OWN FAULT

A POSER

YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY

ABOVE PROOF

ON DEATH

ENVY

A HAT FOR NOTHING

AN OLD PROVERB

PRO BONO PUBLICO

A NEW RECIPE

NOT A WAXWORK

THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU

TIPS

JUSTICE

DEAD AS A DOORNAIL

FAITH

JOB'S CURSE

A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION

THE RULING PASSION

FELO-DE-SE

HOW TO GET WARM

NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR

OF COMPOSITIONS

PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER

THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF

ANTICIPATION

HYMNS AND HERS

HORS CONCOURS

THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE

A UNITED COUPLE

WET PAINT

TICK, TICK, TICK

DIFFIDENCE

THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED

IMAGINATION

UNREMITTING KINDNESS

A WARM PROSPECT

A SOPORIFIC STORY

ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS

THE LOST JOINT

THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN

ALL MEN ARE LIARS

AN OBJECT LESSON

A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT

"SOMEWHERE"

THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE

WAR AND TAXES

A MODERN ALFRED

CHARITY ON CREDIT

COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT

THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER

THE EMPTY BOTTLE

H2O

AN ACCIDENT

TOUCH HIM UP

A SMART BOY

WEARING ROUGE

THE POOR LANDLORD

THE DAY OF REST

NOT TO BE CAUGHT

MOLECULES

A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN

TWINS

A NATURAL OBJECTION

BADLY PUT

A DOUBTFUL MARKET

SEQUENCES

TWO POINTS OF VIEW

A CANNIBAL

TO LET—UNFURNISHED

A FRIEND OF SATAN

THE TEDDY BEAR

BROTHERLY LOVE

CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES

MULTIPLICATION

A BIBLICAL STORY

THE THOUGHTFUL MAID

HEMP

GOOD ADVICE

CHANGE AND REST

THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM

THE WAY TO YORK

THE WAY TO DO IT

LOT AND THE FLEA

WHIST

A NEW PRESCRIPTION

JACOB'S LADDER

A PORTRAIT

BLOATERS

A CONVENIENCE

THE PRAYER MEETING

TAKING TIME

KING'S EVIDENCE

A PLEASANT PROSPECT

BALAAM'S SWORD

THE HONORARIUM

MANNERS

SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING

THE AVERAGE EGG

FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE

THE G.O.M.

A NEAT RETORT

A SYDNEY SMITH STORY

A COMMON DIFFICULTY

MARY JONES

DONALD COMPLIED

VEGETARIANISM

FELLOW-FEELING

JONAH AND THE WHALE

WHOLLY GOOD

"CAREFUL, NOW!"

SAFETY

O'BRIEN THE LUCID

MERCY

A BULL

A GOOD REASON

THE ARREST

CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM

SOLITUDE

A QUESTION OF NUMBERS

AMERICAN POULTRY

GRACE MAL A PROPOS

THE POOR IDIOT

A WELSH WIG-GING

FORGIVENESS

AN ODD COMPARISON

ACOUSTICS

SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT

BRIGHT AND SHARP

SOFTNESS

AN EASY QUALIFICATION

MISER'S CHARITY

ON TAKING A WIFE

THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES

THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS

HOW TO WIN

PIGS

BACON AND THE DEVIL

HINTS TO MOTHERS

GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE

A SAFE SHOT

HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION

DIFFERENCES

COALS

MODESTY

AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK

MODERN EDUCATION

THE RULING PASSION

EDUCATION

A LONG GRACE

THE USE OF FALSE TEETH

HOW TO COLLECT

IMPERSONATION

A SMART RETORT

TRUTH WILL OUT

SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES

A NEW DISH

FULL OF PLUCK

CANDID ON BOTH SIDES

THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS

THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN

A CUNNING ELDER

AS YOU LIKE IT

UNNECESSARY CIVILITY

AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE

AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE

TABLE OF COMPARISON

THE INTELLIGENT CAT

HEAR! HEAR!

MISPLACING THE BLAME

WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH

MORAL QUALIFICATIONS

MEASURING HIS DISTANCE

AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES

THE LATIN FOR COLD

THE CUT DIRECT

COMMON WANT

NOT TO BE BEATEN

AN ODD NOTION

"IF—"

LATE AND EARLY

A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE

SHARP BOY

THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH

CREDIT

UNKIND

NOT COMPULSORY

"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!"

AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT

A DIFFICULT TASK

NON-RUNNERS

THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN

A VIOLENT PARTNER

WISDOM

A DOUBTFUL POINT

THE BETTER WAY

A GOOD REASON

A NEW TEXT

AN AUCTION

A REAL SPORT

THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR

WHAT HE WANTED

A lover and his lass sought a secluded lane, but to their disgust a small boy arrived there too. Said the lover:

"Here's a penny. Go and get some sweets."

"I don't want any sweets."

"Well, here's a shilling. Run away."

"I don't want a shilling."

"Then here's half a crown."

"I don't want half a crown."

"Well, what do you want?"

"I want to watch."

HIS CHOICE

A little boy, who had had some insight into the disposal of surplus kittens, on being shown his mother's newly arrived twins, laid his finger on that which struck his fancy, and said, "That's the one I'll have kept."

NOT IN THE REGULATIONS

A raw Highlander from a northern depot was put on guard at the C.O.'s tent. In the morning the Colonel looked out, and though he prided himself on knowing all his men the sentry's face was unfamiliar.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"A'am fine, thank ye," was the reply, "an' hoo's yerself?"

CHEAP TALK

Jones was proud of his virtues. "Gentlemen, for twenty years I haven't touched whisky, cards, told a lie, done an unkind deed, or smoked, or sworn," he said.

"By Jove! I wish I could say that," Brown exclaimed enviously.

"Well, why don't you?" said a mutual friend. "Jones did."

SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT

A Scot and a minister were in a train together travelling through a lovely part of Scotland.

Beautiful scenery—mountains, dales, rivers, and all the glories of Nature. When passing a grand mountain they saw a huge advertisement for So-and-So's whisky.

The Scot gave a snort of disgust. The minister leant forward and said, "I'm glad to see, sir, that you agree with me, that they should not be allowed to desecrate the beauties of Nature by advertisement."

"It's no' that, sir," said the Scot bitterly, "it's rotten whusky."

A CANDID CRITIC

Bishop Blomfield, having forgotten his written sermon, once preached ex tempore, for the first and only time in his life, choosing as his text "The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God." On his way home he asked one of his congregation how he liked the discourse. "Well, Mr. Blomfield," replied the man, "I liked the sermon well enough, but I can't say I agree with you; I think there be a God!"

WHAT'S IN A NAME

A lawyer who was sometimes forgetful, having been engaged to plead the cause of an offender, began by saying: "I know the prisoner at the bar, and he bears the character of being a most consummate and impudent scoundrel." Here somebody whispered to him that the prisoner was his client, when he immediately continued: "But what great and good man ever lived who was not calumniated by many of his contemporaries?"

WHY BROWN LEFT

Mr. Brown expressed to his landlady his pleasure in seeing her place a plate of scraps before the cat. "Oh, yes, sir," she replied. "Wot I says, Mr. Brown, is, be kind to the cats, and yer'll find it saves yer 'arf the washin'-up."

AN ASS'S SHADOW

A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost. "When and where?" said the pastor. "Last night," replied the timid man, "I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre." "In what shape did it appear?" replied the priest. "It appeared in the shape of a great ass." "Go home and say not a word about it," rejoined the pastor; "you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow."