FELINE PHILOSOPHY

BY THOMAS CAT

RENDERED INTO ENGLISH BY WALTER LÉON HESS

BOSTON RICHARD G. BADGER THE GORHAM PRESS

Copyright, 1919, by Walter Léon Hess All Rights Reserved

Made in the United States of America The Gorham Press, Boston, U. S. A.

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FELINE PHILOSOPHY

BY THOMAS CAT

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FELINE PHILOSOPHY

BY THOMAS CAT

FIRST CATERWAUL

The family have gone to the country, Horton, his wife and four children. They took the butler and maids, the dogs, The canaries and parrot. Shutters They put on the house and the keys Are turned in the locks. The silver Was put in the vault and everything Valuable carefully stowed.... Little Jack Looked well for me. But when he found me Was told to put me outside; a cat has no Place in a house that is closed for The summer. When they were sorely troubled With rats and mice they coaxed me to Come to live in the cellar. They fed Me richly on cream and the choicest [Pg 8]Bits from their lavish table. They gave Me a rug to sleep, and taught the children To pet me. All took turns to feed me and They saved the bones of each fish. The Mice and rats disappeared; the rug Is filthy, in tatters. Old Horton curses And kicks me and kicks me down stairs when he Meets me; warns the baby to heed my Claws and the older children that Cats breed all sorts of diseases. Edith Has young men to call and “cannot abide The cat that is covered with ashes.” Only Jack remembers—which reminds me

How well I was treated. I was young when They found me and now have grown wise in Their councils. I have no food and no Lodging.

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SECOND CATERWAUL

It’s more than a week since I’ve eaten And my bed is made in the gutter. Well-fed And beggars go by and their boots are All alike ready as soon as they spy me. Jack Horton went by with his father and Stooped to whisper his secret. Old Horton Jerked his arm and urged that he’d miss The train. So even railroad time Seems relentless as the procession Passes over and about me. Between buying A new suit for his party And his affection Even young Jack had no choice. Now I have to hunt And I’ve eaten a sparrow for breakfast. I ate with infinite relish Though I never ate one before; I was starved and the murder and crime Were lost in my terrible necessity. My depravity is beginning to wear.... I shall wander down to the river.... I have heard Jack’s father say: When a man falls so low as that He had better drown himself than— I’ve forgotten the rest; I cannot think In my present state of mind.

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THIRD CATERWAUL

Arrived at the wharf there was not Another soul in sight ... except at the very end Where sat a most woebegone looking Tramp Smoking what was once a cigar Of price. Half smoked it had been thrust In the gutter at the theater-entrance By a careless and prosperous merchant. The Tramp was very near to the edge looking out Over the water as blankly as a blind man. A man! Look at him ... and I a mere cat! No doubt Old Horton was right.... One leap Into the darkness and all gloomy thoughts, All trouble, like the half-finished cigar Would give place to beautiful dreams and Never-ending.... At least it cannot be much Worse.... No! Far better than the foul gutter And the murderous cravings for the unattainable. I shall burst my bonds and jump in.

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FOURTH CATERWAUL

It gave a terrible fright when I struck The water. Even in filth and mud I found it more Pleasure to swim than to drown. How comfortable The gutter now seemed but my strength was Utterly useless.... My thoughts had been Less overwhelming than the murky slime that Would kill me ... and to sink, to be swallowed By fishes that had been sweet food for my palate. A boat came out of the darkness and a brown Arm folded me up from the last gasp in the river. It was going out to a yacht and the mate was the Man who rescued: “What luck with our rats and mice To find this bedraggled feline.... Maggie can give It some milk and the Master won’t curse for the Vermin....” Perhaps I was born as an antidote! Perhaps I have no choice what to do! But whatever may be I shall at least do What is expected, the best that I can— How else can I expect anything?

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FIFTH CATERWAUL

Did you ever see a palace in a desert? Ralph Dimon was a good catch and Irene’s Father was very rich. Low necked dress, Dress clothes, lace, jewelry, curtains of Fine brocade, mahogany panellings and Nickel-mountings dimmed the lights of Brough’s Yacht and were more plentiful than the drops Of water that had nearly drowned me. As I was lifted over the side I saw the Two lovers lounging in the bow where there Were no lights; while inside the electric Lamps burned neglected. The wind blew a gale And I shivered; but comfortable surroundings And even diamonds would warm anybody but a Half drowned cat.... I wonder if pink ribbons And a silver-mounted collar would have made Me warmer or less hungry ... and I was most Interested because Irene’s father never paid His bills without a lawsuit.... Perhaps I might With ribbon and collar have had food for the asking. But an honest cat must be kicked around The kitchen by Maggie. Maggie was used to it: [Pg 13]“Haven’t you better sense than to bring such Rubbish aboard, Jim? Old Brough will miss the

Milk and there’ll be the devil to pay.”—And To think how I could rid this palace of vermin.... But that would cost Father Brough money and It wouldn’t show.... Jim put me ashore ... but I was grateful!

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SIXTH CATERWAUL

What a terrible contrast: from an interrupted Yachting trip to the garbage can! The smell Of the sea is sweeter but I wasn’t dressed For it.... The lure of a square meal is sweeter Than the glitter of paste. Think of finding a Half beefsteak on top of the can! There was no Gravy but it was cooked to perfection. I ate it With relish, but should have enjoyed it better If only some one would let me work for it— Especially such a meal.... And yet they say beggars Cannot be choosers.... I found a lot more in the can To eat, but the steak satisfied me. I was very tired; so I went to sleep beside the Can.... When the collector came he took counsel of My presence and hunted through to see what he could Find of value. He looked up and down the street And then slipped a half-roasted-chicken into his Blouse; but not before casting me a look of Triumph.... But I never can eat two meals at a Sitting and chicken doesn’t agree with me. Then, [Pg 15]Too, even honey is nourishing, but it may give One indigestion.... I hope he enjoyed the chicken As much as I did my banquet....

Why, thought I, not Offer to stay in this house where plenty runs To overflowing.... It proved to be Brough’s!

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SEVENTH CATERWAUL

I prefer the street and the gutter To the hospitality Brough’s might have offered. How lucky to be a cat Free to accept or—refuse What is offered!

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EIGHTH CATERWAUL

I found a door that was open. The grass in the entry was cut close; The hangings and drawing-room furniture Immaculate in their smug neatness. Even the Windows were clean and the books on the Shelves were well dusted. I wandered into The kitchen where oilcloth was spotless And tidy. Even the walls were fresh-papered.... No doubt to keep the kalsomine-water From evaporating.... Table-manners in such A house, I fear, are more real than the eating. I turned about and went out lest the hairs In my coat might scatter.

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NINTH CATERWAUL

I have been housed with Jerolamon Jones And his wife, whom they call “tame cat,” For what seems a fairly long time. Jerry They call him for short and short is the Bible He reads. Lovers they are to the world and To each other still more—for that is the Judgment that counts.... Jerry has nights “At the club” and loves his dear wife’s Friends. She can always reach him by ’phone But she wouldn’t do it for worlds as she Trusts him beyond cavil or guile.... And the tame cat sits on the laps of a Dozen or more of his friends—but only When Jerry is home. I followed Jerry one night But his club was not where he went.... We came home exactly at twelve—and Marion (That was his wife) was fast asleep in the sheets. Fulton had kissed her that night—and of course She told Jerry next day.... He trusted his wife As she him.... They were playing the game When I left—I left because only I Knew how to end the farce!

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