Funny Epitaphs.

COLLECTED BY Arthur Wentworth Eaton.

BOSTON: The Mutual Book Company. 1902.

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Copyright, 1885, By H. H. Carter & Karrick.

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Let's talk of graves, of worms, and epitaphs.

—Richard II, Act III, Scene ii.

—Macbeth, Act III, Scene ii.

Let there be no inscription upon my tomb; let no man write my epitaph.

—Robert Emmet.

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EPITAPHS ON MEN.

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An old American epitaph:

Another version:

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An Irishman wrote the following oft-quoted lines for his epitaph:

In Ballyporen (Ire.) churchyard, on Teague O'Brian, written by himself:

Here lies Richard Fothergill who met a violent death. He was shot by a colt's revolver, old kind, brass mounted, and of such is the kingdom of heaven.

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A Cornwall churchyard is enriched with the following dainty verses:

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At Brightwell, Oron. On S. Rumbold, born February, 1582:

In an old cemetery in Lyme, Conn.:

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Here lies the body of Captain Gervase Scrope, of the family of the Scropes of Bilton, in the county of York, who departed this life 26th August, Anno Domini 1705, aged 66. An epitaph written by himself, in the agony and doloroes paines of the gout, and died soon after.

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From a tombstone near Williamsport, Penn.:

Sacred to the Memory of HENRY HARRIS, Born June 27th, 1821, of Henry Harris And Jane his Wife. Died on the 4th of May, 1837, by the kick of a colt in his bowels.

Peaceable and quiet, a friend to his father and mother, and respected by all who knew him, and went to the world where horses don't kick, where sorrow and weeping is no more.

YATTENDON BERKS. 1770.

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—Goldsmith.

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ON A MR. PECK

Here lies the body of John Smith. Had he lived till he got ashore, he would have been buried here.

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From Harrow Churchyard :

In memory of Mr. John Port, son of Mr. Thomas Port, of Burton-on-Trent, who, not far from this town, had both his legs severed from his body by the Railway Train. With greatest fortitude he bore a second amputation by the surgeons, and died from loss of blood.

A miser:

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Truro, Nova Scotia:

OLIVER P. DONNALLY.

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From Banbury Churchyard:

To the memory of Ric. Richards, who by a Gangreen first lost a Toe, afterwards a Leg, and lastly his Life on the 7th day of April, 1656.

The graveyard at Wigtown, Gallowayshire, Scotland, furnish the two following:

Here lies the corps of Andrew Cowan, of Croft Angry, who died June 6th, 1776, aged 70 years. And his son William lies beside him, who died the 21st February, 1778, aged 17 years.

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In Plymouth old churchyard :

In New Hampshire:

Lord Brougham (for an orator):

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On a bachelor:

In Thetford Churchyard, Norfolk:

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The celebrated Daniel Lambert's epitaph, St. Martin's, Stamford Baron, England:

Altus in animo, in corpore maximus.

In remembrance of that prodigy in Nature,

DANIEL LAMBERT.

A native of Leicester, who was possessed of an exalted, convivial mind; and in personal greatness had no competitor; He measured 3 ft. 1 in. round the legs, 9 ft. 4 in. round the body, and weighed 52 st. 11 lb.

He departed this life on the 21st June, 1809, Aged 39 years.

As a testimony of respect, this stone is erected by his friend in Leicester.

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John Knott, of Sheffield, England:

In a French cemetery there are the following concise inscriptions on one tombstone. The epitaph is on husband and wife:

I am anxiously expecting you.—A. D. 1827. Here I am!—A. D. 1867.

GOVERNOR STOUGHTON.

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An old man:

Hackett to the author of Dr. Mead's epitaph:

Oldtown, Maine:

ORONO, AN INDIAN CHIEF, 1801.

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From St. Philip's Churchyard, Birmingham:

To the memory of James Baker, who died January 27th, 1781.

Died, on the 14th inst., Henry Wilkins Glyn, aged 3 days and 7 hours. After a long and painful illness, which he bore with Christian fortitude, this youthful martyr departed to his rest.

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Epitaphs on Women.

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An epitaph from an Irish graveyard:

At St. Albans:

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There is an epitaph of an eccentric character that may be seen on a tombstone at the burying-grounds near Hoosick Falls, New York. It reads:

Ruth Sprague, Daughter of Gibson and Elizabeth Sprague. Died June 11, 1846, aged 9 years, 4 months, and 3 days. She was stolen from the grave by Roderick R. Clow, dissected at Dr. P. M. Armstrong's office, in Hoosick, N. Y., from which place her mutilated remains were obtained and deposited here.

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Epitaph on Lady Molesworth. Burnt to death 6 May, 1763:

A Welsh husband thus sings above the grave of his better-half:

At Wolstanton:

MRS. ANN JENNINGS.

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In memory of the "Wigtown Martyrs:"

Here lyes Margrat Willson, Doughter of Gilbert Willson, in Glenvernoch, who was Drowned Anno 1685, age 18.

From Nettlebed Churchyard, Oxfordshire:

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Commemorative of Thamozine J., wife of James Vernon:

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In a Salisbury graveyard, upon a stone recording the death of a lady at the age of sixty-four years, appears the following:

From Childwald Churchyard, England:

Arlington, Massachusetts:

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Philadelphia, Pennsylvania:

MRS. MARTHA GIFFORD, 1810.

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In Charlestown, Virginia:

Westfield, New Jersey:

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From Smithfield, Rhode Island, 1796:

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Epitaphs on Occupations.

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On an old woman who kept a pottery-shop in Chester, England:

On an undertaker:

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Nell Bachelour, an Oxford pie woman:

On a tramp:

A photographer:

Here I lie, taken from life.

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A lawyer:

Another lawyer:

A tailor:

Here lies an editor.

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On a horse thief:

A wood-cutter at Ockham, Surrey:

A parish clerk:

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On a parish clerk who loved backgammon, and was succeeded in office by a Mr. Trice:

A sailor:

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An old school-mistress, in Dorchester:

Here lies the body of Miriam Wood, formerly wife to John Smith.

On a maid of honor:

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In Memory of Mr. Joseph Crapp; shipwright who died ye 26th of November 1770 Aged 43 years.

In the old church of Wrexham there was (in 1858) a tablet with the following inscription:

On an architect:

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On a watchmaker, 1802, Æt 57:

Here lies in horizontal position, the outside Case of George Routleigh, Watchmaker. Integrity was the Mainspring, and prudence the Regulator, Of all the actions of his life. Humane, generous, and liberal, his hand never stopped till he had relieved distress. So nicely regulated were all his Motions, that he never went wrong, except when set a-going by people who did not know his Key: Even then he was easily set right again. He had the art of disposing his time so well, that his Hours kept running on in a continual round of pleasure, till an unlucky Minute put a stop to his existence. He departed this life in hopes of being taken in hand by his Maker;[Pg 47] and of being thoroughly Cleaned, Repaired, Wound up, and Set a-going in the world to come.

Over the grave of a Shropshire blacksmith:

A bone collector:

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Miscellaneous Epitaphs.

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Essex, England:

In Llangowen Churchyard, Wales:

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Middletown, Connecticut, 1741:

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From the Baltimore Sun:

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On an infant eight months old:

Potterne in Wiltshire:

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From Massachusetts, where a sorrowing and pious parent inscribed the following two lines to the memory of his dead child:

A sympathetic reader, mistaking the point of the lament, added the lines:

New Berne, North Carolina:

York, Maine:

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In Biddeford churchyard, Devon:

Lines written by a lady to console herself for the death of her father:

Lord Coningsby:

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1767:

In Corley Churchyard, Warwickshire, England:

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Two children in Dorchester (a double inscription):

1808:

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On a tombstone in New Jersey:

From Portland, Oregon:

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Cornwall:

At Augusta, Maine:

—After Life's Scarlet Fever I sleep well.

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At Kensington, N. H.:

A live Dog is better than a dead Lion.

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On Thomas Woodcock:

N. B. His real name was Woodcock, but it Wouldn't come in rhyme.—His widow.

On Dr. Walker, author of "English Particles":

An Irish epitaph:

On a coroner who hanged himself:

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On Dr. Fuller:

Here lies Fuller's earth.

On a brewer:

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In New Jersey:

Julia —— Died of thin shoes, April 17th, 1839, aged 19 years.

On a covetous person:

On John Shaw, an attorney:

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From Philadelphia:

In memory of Henry Wang, son of his Father and mother, John and Maria Wang. Died Dec. 31st, 1829, aged ½ hour. The first deposit of this yard.

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It may be interesting to state that the tearful widow was still living with a fourth partner.

On a celebrated cook:

Peace to his hashes.

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Here lies the body of Molly Dickie, the Wife of Hall Dickie, tailor

Written under:

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On Jonathan Fiddle, written by Ben Johnson:

On John Cole, who died suddenly, while at dinner:

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She lived genteely on a small income.

On Burbridge, the tragedian:

Exit Burbridge

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A laconic epitaph:

Snug.

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To the memory of Thomas Hause:

"Lord, thy grace is free,—why not for me?"

This man dying greatly in debt, one of his creditors wrote underneath:

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On John Phillips:

Accidentally shot as a mark of affection by his brother.

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A rum cough carried him off.

On a tombstone in Grafton, Vt.:

Gone home below.

Here lies Bernard Lightfoot who was accidentally killed in his forty fifth year. Erected by his grateful family.

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In a churchyard near Boston, Mass.:

Of pneumonia supervening consumption complicated with other diseases, the main symptoms of which was insanity.

In Nova Scotia:

In a New York churchyard:

We shall miss thee, mother. (Job printing neatly done.) [Pg 77]

At East Thompson, N. Y.:

Here lies one who never sacrificed his reason to superstitious God, nor ever believed that Jonah swallowed the whale

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Deeply regretted by all who never knew him.

Transcriber's Note:

There are 18 blank pages at the end of the book with the header

Supplementary Epitaphs. Blank pages for the convenience of collectors.

Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully as possible.