Joe Miller's JESTS

OR, THE

WITS

VADE-MECUM.

BEING

A Collection of the most Brilliant Jests; the Politest Repartees; the most Elegant Bons Mots, and most pleasant short Stories in the English Language.

First carefully collected in the Company, and many of them transcribed from the Mouth of the Facetious Gentleman, whose Name they bear; and now set forth and published by his lamentable Friend and former Companion, Elijah Jenkins, Esq;

Most Humbly Inscribed

To those Choice-Spirits of the AGE,

Captain Bodens, Mr. Alexander Pope, Mr. Professor Lacy, Mr. Orator Henley, and Job Baker, the Kettle-Drummer.

LONDON:

Printed and Sold by T. Read, in Dogwell-Court, White-Fryars, Fleet-Street, MDCCXXXIX.

Transcriber's Note: Jest number 59 was omitted from the original text.

JOE MILLER's JESTS.

1. he Duke of A——ll, who says more good Things than any Body, being behind the Scenes the First Night of the Beggar's Opera, and meeting Cibber there, well Colley, said he, how d'you like the Beggar's Opera? Why it makes one laugh, my Lord, answer'd he, on the Stage; but how will it do in print. O! very well, I'll answer for it, said the Duke, if you don't write a Preface to it.[1]

2. There being a very great Disturbance one Evening at Drury-Lane Play-House, Mr. Wilks, coming upon the Stage to say something to pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown full at him, which he having took up, making a low Bow, this is no Civil Orange, I think, said he.

3. Mr. H—rr—n, one of the Commissioners of the Revenue in Ireland, being one Night in the Pit, at the Play-House in Dublin, Monoca Gall, the Orange Girl, famous for her Wit and her Assurance, striding over his Back, he popp'd his Hands under her Petticoats: Nay, Mr. Commissioner, said she, you'll find no Goods there but what have been fairly entered.

4. Joe Miller sitting one day in the Window at the Sun-Tavern in Clare-Street, a Fish Woman and her Maid passing by, the Woman cry'd, Buy my Soals; buy my Maids: Ah, you wicked old Creature, cry'd honest Joe, What are you not content to sell your own Soul, but you must sell your Maid's too?

5. When the Duke of Ormond was young, and came first to Court, he happen'd to stand next my Lady Dorchester, one Evening in the Drawing-Room, who being but little upon the Reserve on most Occasions, let a Fart, upon which he look'd her full in the Face and laugh'd. What's the Matter, my Lord, said she: Oh! I heard it, Madam, reply'd the Duke, you'll make a fine Courtier indeed, said she, if you mind every Thing you hear in this Place.

6. A poor Man, who had a termagant Wife, after a long Dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last Word, told her, if she spoke one more crooked Word, he'd beat her Brains out: Why then Ram's Horns, you Rogue, said she, if I die for't.

7. A Gentleman ask'd a Lady at Tunbridge, who had made a very large Acquaintance among the Beaus and pretty Fellows there, what she would do with them all. O! said she, they pass off like the Waters; and pray, Madam, reply'd the Gentleman do they all pass the same Way?

8. An Hackney-Coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the Lawyers used to club their Three-Pence a-piece, four of them, to go to Westminster, and being called by a Lawyer at Temple-Bar, who, with two others in their Gowns, got into his Coach, he was bid to drive to Westminster-Hall: but the Coachman still holding his Door open, as if he waited for more Company; one of the Gentlemen asked him, why he did not shut the Door and go on, the Fellow, scratching his Head, cry'd you know, Master, my Fare's a Shilling, I can't go for Nine-Pence.

9. Two Free-thinking Authors proposed to a Bookseller, that was a little decayed in the World, that if he would print their Works they would set him up, and indeed they were as good as their Word, for in six Week's Time he was in the Pillory.

10. A Gentleman was saying one Day at the Tilt-Yard Coffee-House, when it rained exceeding hard, that it put him in Mind of the General Deluge; Zoons, Sir, said an old Campaigner, who stood by, who's that? I have heard of all the Generals in Europe but him.

11. A certain Poet and Player, remarkable for his Impudence and Cowardice, happening many Years ago to have a Quarrel with Mr. Powell, another Player, received from him a smart Box of the Ear; a few Days after the Poetical Player having lost his Snuff-Box, and making strict Enquiry if any Body had seen his Box; what said another of the Buskin'd Wits, that which George Powell gave you t'other Night?

12. Gun Jones, who had made his Fortune himself from a mean Beginning, happening to have some Words with a Person who had known him some Time, was asked by the other, how he could have the Impudence to give himself so many Airs to him, when he knew very well, that he remember'd him seven Years before with hardly a Rag to his A—. You lie, Sirrah, reply'd Jones, seven Years ago I had nothing but Rags to my A—.

13. Lord R—— having lost about fifty Pistoles, one Night, at the Gaming-Table in Dublin, some Friends condoling with him upon his ill Luck, Faith, said he, I am very well pleas'd at what I have done, for I have bit them, by G—— there is not one Pistole that don't want Six-Pence of Weight.

14. Mother Needham, about 25 Years age being much in Arrear with her Landlord for Rent, was warmly press'd by him for his Money, Dear Sir, said she, how can you be so pressing at this dead Time of the Year, in about six Weeks Time both the Par——, and the C—n—v—c—n will sit, and then Business will be so brisk, that I shall be able to pay ten Times the Sum.

15. A Lady being asked how she liked a Gentleman's Singing, who had a very stinking Breath, the Words are good, said she, but the Air is intolerable.

16. The late Mrs. Oldfield being asked if she thought Sir W. Y. and Mrs. H——n, who had both stinking Breaths, were marry'd: I don't know, said she, whether they are marry'd; but I am sure there is a Wedding between them.

17. A Gentleman saying something in Praise of Mrs. G——ve, who is, without Dispute, a good Player, tho' exceeding saucy and exceeding ugly; another said, her Face always put him in mind of Mary-Bone Park, being desired to explain himself, he said, it was vastly rude and had not one Bit of Pale about it.

18. A pragmatical young Fellow sitting at Table over-against the learned John Scot, asked him what difference there was between Scot and Sot: Just the Breadth of the Table, answered the other.

19. Another Poet asked Nat Lee if it was not easy to write like a Madman, as he did: No, answered Nat, but it is easy to write like a Fool as you do.

20. Colley, who, notwithstanding his Odes, has now and then said a good Thing, being told one Night by the late Duke of Wharton, that he expected to see him hang'd or beggar'd very soon, by G—d, said the Laureat, if I had your Grace's Politicks and Morals you might expect both.

21. Sir Thomas More, for a long Time had only Daughters, his Wife earnestly praying that they may have a Boy, at last they had a Boy, who when he came to Man's Estate, proved but simple; thou prayedst so long for a Boy, said Sir Thomas to his Wife, that at last thou hast got one who will be a Boy as long as he lives.

22. The same Gentleman, when Lord Chancellor being pressed by the Counsel of the Party, for a longer day to perform a Decree, said, Take St. Barnaby's Day, the longest in the Year; which happened to be the next Week.

23. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his Humour and his Wit to the last Moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-Hill, the Heads-man demanded his upper Garment as his Fee; ay, Friend, said he, taking off his Cap, That I think is my Upper-Garment.

24. The Great Algernoon Sidney seemed to shew as little Concern at his Death, he had indeed got some Friends to intercede with the King for a Pardon; but when he was told, that his Majesty could not be prevailed upon to give him his Life, but that in Regard to his ancient and noble Family, he would remit Part of his Sentence, and only have his Head cut off; nay, said he, if his Majesty is resolved to have my Head he may make a Whistle of my A—— if he pleases.

25. Lady C——g and her two Daughters having taken Lodgings at a Leather-Breeches Maker's in Piccadilly, the Sign of the Cock and Leather-Breeches, was always put to the Blush when she was obliged to give any Body Direction to her Lodgings, the Sign being so odd a one; upon which my Lady, a very good Sort of Woman, sending for her Landlord, a jolly young Fellow, told him, she liked him and his Lodgings very well, but she must be obliged to quit them on Account of his Sign, for she was ashamed to tell any body what it was, O! dear Madam, said the young Fellow, I would do any Thing rather than lose so good Lodgers, I can easily alter my Sign; so I think, answered my Lady, and I'll tell you how you may satisfy both me and my Daughters: Only take down your Breeches and let your Cock stand.

26. When Rablais the greatest Drole in France, lay on his Death-Bed, he could not help jesting at the very last Moment, for having received the extreme Unction, a Friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was prepared for the next World; Yes, yes, reply'd Rablais, I am ready for my Journey now, they have just greased my Boots.

27. Henry the IVth, of France, reading an ostentatious Inscription on the Monument of a Spanish Officer, Here lies the Body of Don, &c., &c. who never knew what Fear was. Then said the King, he never snuffed a Candle with his Fingers.

28. A certain Member of the French Academy, who was no great Friend to the Abbot Furetiere, one Day took the Seat that was commonly used by the Abbot, and soon after having Occasion to speak, and Furetiere being by that Time come in; Here is a Place, said he, Gentlemen, from when I am likely to utter a thousand Impertinences: Go on, answered Furetiere, there's one already.

29. When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great Room, in York-Buildings, for publick Orations, that very Room, which is now so worthily occupied by the learned and eximious Mr. Professor Lacy. He happened at one Time to be pretty much behind Hand with his Workmen, and coming one Day among them to see how they went forward, he ordered one of them to get into the Rostrum, and make a Speech, that he might observe how it could be heard, the Fellow mounting, and scratching his Pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in Truth he was no Orator. Oh! said the Knight, no Matter for that, speak any thing that comes uppermost. Why here, Sir Richard, said the Fellow, we have been working for you these six Weeks, and cannot get one Penny of Money, pray, Sir, when do you design to pay us? Very well, very well, said Sir Richard, pray come down, I have heard enough, I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, tho' I don't admire your Subject.

30. A Country Clergyman meeting a Neighbour who never came to Church, altho' an old Fellow of above Sixty, he gave him some Reproof on that Account, and asked him if he never read at Home: No, replyed the Clown, I can't read; I dare say, said the Parson you don't know who made you; not I, in troth, said the Countryman. A little Boy coming by at the same Time, who made you, Child, cry'd the Parson, God, Sir, answered the Boy. Why look you there, quoth the honest Clergyman, are not you ashamed to hear a Child of five or six Years old tell me who made him, when you that are so old a Man can not: Ah, said the Countryman, it is no Wonder that he should remember, he was made but t'other Day, it is a great while, Master, sin I were made.

31. A certain reverend Drone in the Country was complaining to another, that it was a great Fatigue to preach twice a Day. Oh! said the other, I preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it.

32. One of the foresaid Gentlemen, as was his Custom, preaching most exceedingly dull to a Congregation not used to him, many of them slunk out of the Church one after another, before the Sermon was near ended. Truly, said a Gentleman present, this learned Doctor has made a very moving Discourse.

33. Sir William Davenant, the Poet, had no Nose, who going along the Meuse one Day, a Beggar-Woman followed him, crying, ah! God preserve your Eye-Sight; Sir, the Lord preserve your Eye-Sight. Why, good Woman, said he, do you pray so much for my Eye-Sight? Ah! dear Sir, answered the Woman, if it should please God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no Place to hang your Spectacles on.

34. A Welchman bragging of his Family, said, his Father's Effigies was set up in Westminster-Abbey, being ask'd whereabouts, he said in the same Monument with Squire Thyne's for he was his Coachman.

35. A Person was saying, not at all to the Purpose, that really Sampson, was a very strong Man; Ay, said another, but you are much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him by the Head and Shoulders.

36. My Lord Strangford, who stammered very much, was telling a certain Bishop that sat at his Table, that Balaam's Ass spoke because he was Pri——est—— Priest-rid, Sir, said a Valet-de-Chambre, who stood behind his Chair, my Lord would say. No, Friend, reply'd the Bishop, Balaam could not speak himself, and so his Ass spoke for him.

37. The same noble Lord ask'd a Clergy-man once, at the Bottom of his Table, why the Goose, if there was one, was always plac'd next the Parson. Really, said he, I can give no Reason for it; but your Question is so odd, that I shall never see a Goose for the future without thinking of your Lordship.

38. A Gentleman was asking another how that poor Devil S——ge could live, now my Lord T——l had turn'd him off. Upon his Wits said the other; That is living upon a slender Stock indeed, reply'd the First.

39. A Country Parson having divided his Text under two and twenty Heads, one of the Congregation went out of the Church in a great Hurry, and being met by a Friend, he ask'd him, whither he was going? Home for my Night-Cap, answered the first, For I find we are to stay here all Night.

40. A very modest young Gentleman, of the County of Tiperary, having attempted many Ways in vain, to acquire the Affections of a Lady of great Fortune, at last try'd what was to be done, by the Help of Musick, and therefore entertained her with a Serenade under her Window, at Midnight, but she ordered her Servants to drive him thence by throwing Stones at him; Your Musick, my Friend, said one of his Companions, is as powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very Stones about you.

41. A certain Senator, who is not, it may be, esteemed the wisest Man in the House, has a frequent Custom of shaking his Head when another speaks, which giving Offence to a particular Person, he complained of the Affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the House, it was only an ill Habit he had got, for though he would oftentimes shake his Head, there was nothing in it.

42. A Gentleman having lent a Guinea, for two or three Days, to a Person whose Promises he had not much Faith in, was very much surpriz'd to find he very punctually kept his Word with him; the same Gentleman being sometime after desirous of borrowing the like Sum, No, said the other, you have deceived me once, and I am resolved you shan't do it a second Time.

43. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his Warrant, one of the French Prophets, a foolish Sect, that started up in his Time, to Prison; upon which Mr. Lacy, one of their Followers, came one Day to my Lord's House, and desired to speak with him, the Servants told him, he was not well, and saw no Company that Day, but tell him, said Lacy, I must see him, for I come to him from the Lord God, which being told the Chief Justice, he order'd him to come in, and ask'd him his Business; I come, said he, from the Lord, who sent me to thee, and would have thee grant a Noli Prosequi for John Atkins, whom thou hast cast into Prison: Thou art a false Prophet, answered my Lord, and a lying Knave, for if the Lord had sent thee it wou'd have been to the Attorney-General, he knows it is not in my Power to grant a Noli-Prosequi.

44. Tom B—rn—t happening to be at Dinner at my Lord Mayor's, in the latter Part of the late Queen's Reign, after two or three Healths, the Ministry was toasted, but when it came to Tom's turn to drink, he diverted it for some Time by telling a Story to the Person who sat next him; the chief Magistrate of the City not seeing his Toast go round, call'd out, Gentlemen, where sticks the Ministry? At nothing, by G—d, says Tom, and so drank off his Glass.

45. My Lord Craven, in King James the First's Reign, was very desirous to see Ben Johnson, which being told to Ben, he went to my Lord's House, but being in a very tatter'd Condition, as Poets sometimes are, the Porter refus'd him Admittance, with some saucy Language, which the other did not fail to return: My Lord happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the Occasion of it: Ben, who stood in need of no-body to speak for him, said, he understood his Lordship desired to see him; you, Friend, said my Lord, who are you? Ben Johnson, reply'd the other: No, no, quoth my Lord, you cannot be Ben Johnson who wrote the Silent Woman, you look as if you could not say Bo to a Goose: Bo, cry'd Ben, very well, said my Lord, who was better pleas'd at the Joke, than offended at the Affront, I am now convinced, by your Wit, you are Ben Johnson.

46. A certain Fop was boasting in Company that he had every Sense in Perfection; no, by G—d, said one, who was by, there is one you are entirely without, and that is Common Sense.

47. An Irish Lawyer of the Temple, having occasion to go to Dinner, left these Directions written, and put in the Key-Hole of his Chamber-Door, I am gone to the Elephant and Castle, where you shall find me; and if you can't read this Note, carry it down to the Stationer's, and he will read it for you.

48. Old Dennis who had been the author of many Plays, going by a Brandy-Shop, in St. Paul's Church-Yard; the Man who kept it, came out to him, and desired him to drink a Dram, for what Reason said he, because you are a Dramatick Poet, answered the other; well, Sir, said the old Gentleman, you are an out-of-the-way Fellow, and I will drink a Dram with you; but when he had so done, he asked him to pay for it, S'death, Sir, said the Bard, did you not ask me to drink a Dram because I was a Dramatick Poet; yes Sir, reply'd the Fellow, but I did not think you had been a Dram o'Tick Poet.

49. Daniel Purcel, the famous Punster, and a Friend of his, having a Desire to drink a Glass of Wine together, upon the 30th of January, they went to the Salutation Tavern upon Holbourn-Hill, and finding the Door shut, they knock'd at it, but it was not opened to 'em, only one of the Drawers look'd through a little Wicket, and asked what they would please to have, why open your Door, said Daniel, and draw us a Pint of Wine, the Drawer said, his Master would not allow of it that Day, it was a Fast; D—mn your Master, cry'd he, for a precise Coxcomb, is he not contented to fast himself but he must make his Doors fast too.

50. The same Gentleman calling for some Pipes in a Tavern, complained they were too short; the Drawer said they had no other, and those were but just come in: Ay, said Daniel, I see you have not bought them very long.

51. The same Gentleman as he had the Character of a great Punster, was desired one Night in Company, by a Gentleman, to make a Pun extempore, upon what Subject, said Daniel, the King, answered the other, the King, Sir, said he, is no Subject.

52. G——s E——l who, tho' he is very rich, is remarkable for his sordid Covetousness, told Cibber one Night, in the Green Room, that he was going out of Town, and was sorry to part with him, for faith he loved him, Ah! said Colley, I wish I was a Shilling for your sake, why so, said the other, because then, cry'd the Laureat, I should be sure you loved me.