Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax, 1870-1879

Title: Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax, 1870-1879

Author: Josh Billings

Release date: July 10, 2012 [eBook #40191]

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/40191

Credits: Produced by Margo Romberg, Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net. (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)

Copyright, 1870, 1871, 1872, 1873, 1874, 1875, 1876, 1877, 1878, 1879, by G. W. CARLETON & CO.

Copyright, 1902, by WM. H. DUFF

ADMINISTRATOR ESTATE OF HENRY W. SHAW

JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX

KEY TEW THE ABUV PERFORMANCE.

Tew kno exackly whare the sighn iz, multiply the day ov the month bi the sighn, then find a dividend that will go into a divider four times without enny remains, subtrakt this from the sighn, add the fust quoshunt tew the last divider, then multiply the whole ov the man's boddy bi all the sighns, and the result will be jist what yu are looking after.

BILLINGS' FAMILY TIME TABLE.

Amazi begot Hezaki, Hezaki begot Eldad, Eldad begot Behomath, Behomath begot Zepheniah (Zepheniah waz a conumdrum maker, sum ov which hav been handed down down), Zepheniah begot Ezekiel, Ezekiel begot Issacher (Issaker waz a bad speller, which haz bin handed down too), Issaker begot Nehemiah, Nehemiah begot Methuseler, Methuseler begot Nabob (Nabob waz a snob), Nabob begot Jerrymiah, and Jerrymiah begot Absolum Billings (who is admitted bi every boddy who remembers him tew be the most humblyest looking man in the 9th Century). Absolum begot Josh, and so they kept bizzy begotting.

After the Billings family once struck the front name, Josh, they clung tew it. I find over 6 hundred ov that name extant, besides a grate menny who haz bekum extanted.

The Billings hav bin a helthy old breed az fur back az i have dug for them, which they owe principally tew a milk diet. It iz sed that Behomath Billings, one ov our pristines, could drean a cow perfektly dry at one sitting. If this iz so, it helps explain the great amount ov milk in the Billings natur.

I dont find enny old bachelors, nor old maids, amung our ansesstors, inkrease and multiply haz alwus bin the battle cry of the Billings.

OPINIONS OF THE PRESS

AFTER SEEING THE ADVANCE SHEETS OV

FOR THE YEAR 1870.

"We seldum notis the current Amerikan literature ov the day, but the Billings Allminax, soon tew be issued by Carleton, is a work for the mothers of the Amerikan Union."—London Times, June 6th, 1869.

"Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax iz az phull ov gems az a diamond neklace, az phull of knowledge az Webster's Spellin Book, and az phull of cooking and cures az a parson's wife."—London Atheneum, May 31st, 1869.

"The virtewous thoughts in Josh's Allminax iz gin cocktails for the idle, and brandy straights for the viscious."—Atlantik Semi-Monthly, May 3d, 1869.

"The Billings' Allminax will prove a rare acquisition tew Amerikan literature; the astronomikal calculashuns are unique, the language elegant, the moral perfekt, the sentiments just, and the whole thing extremely bully."—Boston Ledger, May 1st, 1869.

"In theze daze of tawdry novels, imbecile poetry, and florid historys, it iz charming tew take up such a brilliant thing az Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax, whare philosophy and sentiment frolik together, and whare wit sits in state, with one arm around the waist ov morality."—Omaha Patriot, July 4th, 1869.

JANUARY MONOGRAPH.

This month waz named after one Janus, a sharp sighted old chap, with a face like a pikaxe, so that he could look both ways at once, back onto the old year, and forward onto the new one. At the latter part ov his life he died of a thaw, leaving a snug little property, sum six or seven hundred dollars, which akordin tew one ov the bye-laws ov hiz will, waz invested in tin back thermometors, and distributed amung the suffering poor ov his native village, az mementoze ov Janus.

DOMESTIX RECEIPTS.

Tew find the square root ov a hog's noze, turn him into a gardin patch.

Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.

Tew remove grease from a man's karakter, let him strike sum sudden ile.

Tew giv oysters an extra good relish, eat them at sumboddy else's expense.

Tew git wrong things out ov yure child's head,—comb it often.

I never argy agin a suckcess, when i see a rattlesnaixs hed sticking out ov a whole, i bear off to the left, and say to miself—that hole belongs to that snaix.=

Josh Billings

Cider may be a good temprance beverage, but i hav seen folks git so drunk on it, that they couldn't tell one ov the 10 commandments from a bye law or a base bawl klub.=

Josh Billings

Q.–What iz an old bachelor? A.–The hero ov a cot bedstead.

FEBUARY MONOGRAPH.

This month haz but 28 days, the extreme kold weather that prevails haz puckered up the month. Once in four years thare iz a big melt and then the month swells, and haz 29 days. This month iz looked upon az unpleasant, and it iz unpleasant for digging out woodchucks, but for setting in front of the fire, and skinning apples, and snapping the seeds at the galls, it kant be beat. The name ov this month is derived from an old Chinese word (now lost) which means condem kold.

USEFUL HINTS TEW BOARDIN HOUSE KEEPERS.

In buying roast beef, dont forgit, that roast beef, tew be bully, must be tuff.

Be kerful how yu soke yure makrel, too mutch sokeing, takes the wear out ov them.

In selekting a yung goose for yure table, dont forgit tew remember, that the longer a goose has lived in this world, the more experience he will hav, when he cums tew be chawed.

Keep a cow, and then the milk wont hav tew be watered but once.

Q.–What iz the best kure for lazyness? A.–Milking a cow on the run, and living on the milk.

MARCH MONOGRAPH.

This month derives her pedigree from the Danish verb "Whizz," which means to blow, to wheeze, to snort, to pitch in endways, and crossways, to shake winder blinds, to smash barn doors, to skare pigs, to brake clothes lines, to make men sware, and wimmin balky. March iz principally immense for wind, but whare it all cums from, and whare it all goes to, are prize conumdrums which i kant untangle Dogs kreated this month invariably hav the bark on.

ATTENSHUN FARMERS.

Rathbun's "Old oaken bucket washing masheen." For washing, bleaching, bileing, wringing, starching, blueing, hanging out, drieing, ironing, marking, fluting, and folding clothes, this lovely masheen haz no competitor in the male, or femail world. This iz the only masheen in the western hemisphear, that takes the inside cloth oph from a man's back on the keen jump, and puts it back agin, in 15 minnitts, washed, dried, ironed, starched, the buttons sowed on, and the collar turned down. Ask for Rathbun's Old oaken bucket washing masheen, and keep asking till yu git it, and when yu hav got it, hug it tew yure buzzum.

Q.–Will yu pleaze to define suicide? A.–Suicide iz cheating the doktors out ov a job.

APRIL MONOGRAPH.

thus warbled the poet, more than twelve thousand years ago, and he knew his bizz, he had the right sting in him, he want none ov yure pedigree poets, nor dispepshee poets, nor whiskee poets.

Dandylions planted this month are almost sure tew hed out, so are tud stools, so are hed cheeze. This month iz also helthy for planting onions, onions are a luxury, and are good for a bad breth, or are bad for a good breth, i hav forgot which, but either way iz right.

VALUABEL ADVICE TEW YUNG SPORTSMEN.

☛ In fishing for musketoze dont wait for them tew bite the seckond time.

☛ The best bait for bed bugs, iz tew sleep three in a bed.

☛ The best mark for target praktiss iz an old maskuline goose, one goose will last yu for five years shooting, and when he finally gits struck with lightning, and begins tew perish, yu kan melt him up, and git out the lead.

☛ The best kind ov a spear, for bullfrogging, iz a four tined dung fork, when you git the tines all full, shoulder the fork, and put for home.

Q.–How long kan a goose stand on one leg? A.–Try it,—that's the way the goose found out.

MAY MONOGRAPH.

May iz the belle ov the year, she haz worn the belt for five thousand years. If May hadn't hav been a sensible girl, she would hav bin spilte long ago with poetry and stanzy. But she is an independant kritter, and dont care one kuss for stanzy. This iz an eazy month tew fall in love, our naturs are now fully thawd out, after the late kold snap, and like a little melted brook, begin tew look around, tew find another little melted brook tew mix with. Oh! how precious and delightsum it iz to mix. Hive bees during this month, if yu hav got sum, if not, hive sumboddy else's.

PATTENTS ISSUED DURING 1869.

Feb. 1st. To Ambrose Griddle, Esq., a pattent for a hen's egg, which beats the natral egg for awl purposes, except, cooking, hatching, and eating.

April 13th. To Ezra Push, Jun., a pattent for a one wheeled velosipede. This wise instrumentality haz two handles tew it, and iz purswaded by taken hold ov the handles, and walking between them with a shove moshun. If it wasn't a velosipede, it would be an old fashioned wheelbarrow.

March 10th. To David Gibson, for a pattent goose yoke. These yokes are packed in cotton wool, and sent bi express all over the face ov the earth, they are sudden tew yoke a goose with, and no goose should be without one.

I thank the Lord that thare iz one thing in this world that money kant buy, and that iz,—the wag ov a dogs tail.=

Yure Unkle, Josh Billings

The infidel argys just az a Bull duz chained to a post, he bellows, and paws, but he don't git loose from the post i notiss.=

Not mutch, Josh Billings

Q.–What will yu compare old maids to? A.–Embers on the harth, from which the sparks have fled.

JUNE MONOGRAPH.

June iz twin sister tew May, lacking a month. She iz named after Juno, the spouze ov Jupiter, and she waz a stirring woman. June iz the mother of rozes and milk. June iz the stepmother of good gras butter, she iz also grate granmother ov Bakon and Spinnage. June iz a praktikal gusher, and i love tew stand one side, and let her gush,—i hav made it a rule never tew git in the way ov a gush ov enny kind,—i say tew everything, gush! oh, gush!

WORDS TEW HOUSEWIFES.

To make a cheap soup, take 5 drops ov good strong onion juice, add 2 gall's ov water, bile 10 minnitts karefully, and seazon with a couple ov phatt cockroches.

To make a hoe kake, take a hoe and bile it tew a thin jell, and then,—let her kake

Tew skin a Eel, turn him inside out, and remove the meat with a Jack plane

Tew make a hen lay 2 eggs a day, reazon with her; if that dont dew, threaten to chastize her if she dont.

Tew learn yure offspring to steal, make them beg hard for all that yu giv them.

Q.–Whi are robbers like rain? A.–Bekauze they fall on the just and the unjust.

JULY MONOGRAPH.

July iz the sixth month, which ackounts for its being so near the middle ov the year. It derives its name from "Julos" a hot old phellow, who settled near the equator, at an early day, and kept every boddy in hiz naberhood, in a profound swett. July haz menny features ov interest, the principle one ov which, iz, the payment ov semi-annual interest, by most ov the banks, on the fust day ov the month, upon their principal. This iz a fine old custom, and i hope it will be kept up, for i own a leetle bank stock, and take sum interest in the principle.

A NEW TOOL.

"Rogers grate western hoss rake."

John Rogers revolving, expanding, uncerimonius, self-adjusting, self-contrakting, self-sharpening, self-greasing, and self-righteous Hoss Rake, iz now, and forever, offered tew a generous publik. Theze rakes are az eazy tew keep in repair az a hitching post, and will rake up a paper ov pins, sowed broad kast, in a ten aker lot ov wheat stubble. Theze rakes kan be used in the winter for a hen roost, or be sawed up into stove wood for the kitchen fire. No farmer, ov good moral karakter, should be without this rake, not even if he haz to steal one.

Q.–Whare do the vain go tew when they die? A.–The barbers shop.

AUGUST MONOGRAPH.

This month, for sum reazon, haz got a hot way ov doing things. Awl natur unties her corsets and loafs bi the side ov brooks, with stockingless feet, tew ketch the cool words ov singing waters, and watch the bubles ov sweet, that rize on the noze ov the green frog, az they set down on themselfs, on the moss upholstered stones.

Butter spreads itself freely during this month. Snakes slip eazy, and Cupid crawls behind the shadder ov a dieing roze, and shutes hiz gun at the galls, and boys.

THINGS WORTH KNOWING.

Tew milk a kicking cow, stand oph about 10 foot, and holler "So I darn you."

Tew make light bread, do az the bakers do,—call 9 ounces a pound.

Tew make oxtale soup, bile an ox in a pot, and let the caudel continuation hang over the edge ov the pot and drip.

Tew git at the solid kontents ov yure wife's tongue, be verry sweet with the new skool mom in yure distrikt.

Tew break a mule—commence at his head.

Q.–What iz the capacity ov an omnibus? A.–The same az a grave yard, it takes all that cums.

SEPTEMBER MONOGRAPH.

September iz named after "Septus" which thrashed out into Amerikan, means seven. I wouldn't take 500 dollars for the latin i know, and i don't kno mutch nuther. Sept. iz a lakadaisikal month, mello az the dekayed side of a punkin, and as sensitive az a boarding school miss, during her fust quarter in french. Natur makes her will this month—hogs root violently—birds hold convenshuns, and adjourn down south—tree toads boost each other up trees and warble sum anthems—katydids chew musick and spit it out freely, and bull frogs post their books.

MORE ADVICE TEW YOUNG SPORTSMEN.

In shooting at a deer that looks like a calf, always aim so az tew miss it if it iz a calf, and to hit it if it iz a deer.

In fishing for krabs, use yure fingers for bait, yu kan feel them when they fust bite.

Dont fire at a bumble bee on the wing, not till he settles, then take good aim, and knok him endways.

In bobbing for Eels, use a raw potato, yu may not bag much Eels, but yu kan bag a bob, that yu kan hand down tew yure ancestors untarnished.

Thare are but fu sights in this life, more sublime, and pathetick than to see a poor, but virtiuous yung man, struggling—with a mustash.=

It iz thus, Josh Billings.

I hav seen men so fond ov argument, that they would dispute with a guide board, at the forks ov a kuntry road, about the distance to the next town.=

What fools, Josh Billings

Q.–How fast duz sound travel? A.–The sound ov a dinner horn travels one mile in a seckond.

OCTOBER MONOGRAPH.

October iz one ov the fall months, Adam iz sed tew hav fell this month, but sich assershuns are like standing oph a half a mile, in a cloudy day, and guessing at the number ov fleas on a dorg, more sincere, than sartain. The strongest attrakshun for me, in this month, iz her natral cider; the man who don't admire good natral cider, must be a condem phool.

Prepare for a hard winter during this month, bi repenting ov yure sins, and gitting up a good big wood pile.

PECK'S CHURN, AND BRISTOW'S SOWING MASHEEN.

Theze churns are the pride ov invenshun, the genius ov improvement, a viktory over time, and a conquest ov labor. They will fetch butter from cream in 2 seckonds, from milk in 2 minnitts, and from water, inside ov a very short time. Better be without a spellin book, or even a pack of kards, in a growing family, than not tew hav one ov Peck's Churns. Peck iz a philanthropist, every housewife in the world, should put on a clean white apron, hold up both hands on high, and shout, Bully!! oh! Bully! for Peck.

Buy Bristow's double-thread, cross-stitch, rivet-seam, dovetail-hemmer, lighting-movement, krank-moshun sowing masheen. Theze masheens took all the premiums at the late lamented Paris imposishun, and one ov them, which waz sent tew a farmer in Tiogy county last fall, on trial, sowed up the whole family in a hard not, in less than three days, besides sowing fourteen acres of winter rye.

Q.–Will you pleaze to state what lies are? A.–Lies are the grease on the snaiks belly.

NOVEMBER MONOGRAPH.

Everyboddy wants tow be sassy at November—to turn her the cold shoulder—tew nuss all their old akes anew—tew look az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle—tew hunt for a kat's tale tew step at,—but i aint! November iz when i harvest mi happiness, when i gather into mi pious korn krip, the moral sowing ov the whole year. I am only sorry for one thing during the month ov November, and that iz, that i am sich a poor, weak, unsartin, sinnerly cuss, and that mi nabers aint much better than i am.

SUM MORE HINTS TEW BOARDIN-HOUSE KEEPERS.

1st. If your boarders take sugar, and milk, in their kaughphy, dont put in mutch sugar, bekauze yu kno they hav milk, and dont put in but little milk, bekauze they hav sugar.

2d. Bukwheat kakes made out ov wheat bran kost less, and soak up molasses more carefully.

3d. In negotiating for sassige, do yure bizzness with the bolony men, then you kno what yu are gitting yu kant alwus tell what country sassige kontains.

4th. Be kind tew cockroaches, for they often make a plate of butter last a whole week, and when you pray, alwus pray for the light eaters.

Q.–What iz the eazyest vittles tew digest? A.–A good joke.

DECEMBER MONOGRAPH.

This iz the last month in the Josh Billings Farmers Alminax. Other dutys, ov a maskuline natur hav forced us tew haul in our gang plank. We would like tew hav hung on a month or two longer, and made a big thing ov it. Dear Reader we must part, and it iz like pulling angleworms out ov their holes, almost sure tew part the angleworms. I shall think ov yu az long az i liv, please tew resiprokate, when yu remember me, by uttering a tear. I hav taken a kontrakt tew remove the muskeeters from the State ov Nu Jersee, west of the Rocky Mountains, tew their new reservashun, and i am anxious tew git the bulk ov them started before they thaw out. I may lose mi life in the undertakin, but i have bin told by good judges, that it is sweet tew die for ones country. I kant tell whether this iz so or not, i never tried it. Good bye, this kussid muskeeter kontrakt iz wearing on me.

FAMILY MEDICINE.

Joel Biggs' Sticking Salve.

Q.–Let us hear yu define water? A.–Water iz,—iz goose bitters.

EXTRA EKLIPSES FOR THE YEAR 1870.

There will be eklipses this year which have been overlooked by other Allminax makers.

First.—Thare will be semiockasional eklipses ov the moon, kauzed bi brandy smashes gitting between that virtewous and pale old woman, and the eyes ov sum ov our most promising young men.

Second.—There will be a few eklipses ov the Son, kauzed bi the old gentleman cutting oph the supplys ov Charles Fitz Henry Augustus. (Bully for the old gentleman.)

Third.—Thare will be domestik eklipses (visibel only tew the naked eye) kauzed bi the new Comet Sorosis jumping out ov her pasture, and cantering around promiskuss.

Fourth.—Thare will be teetotal eklipse during the whole of the Year 1870, ov all other Allminax, throughout the earth, upper and lower kanada, and sum parts ov Nu Jersee, kauzed bi the immense circulashun ov the Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax.

RULES, BY-LAWS, AND REGULASHUNS.

1. Conduktors are positively forbid trieing tew pass each other on a single track.

2. Passengers are warned ov the great danger ov standing on the platforms,—menny a promising man haz lost hiz life by having a platform drop from under him.

3. Positively no droves ov cattle or swine allowed on this road unless they are travelling the same direckshun the trains are.

4. Engineers are earnestly requested tew keep their cow ketchers well greased, and will bear in mind that when a cow iz ketched the hide belongs tew them; but the beef and tallo iz tew be sent immejiately tew the president of the road.

5. Enny switchman running a train oph from the trak will be find 10 dollars, and interest on the fine at the rate of 4 per cent per annum untill the fine iz paid.