MR. PUNCH IN WIG AND GOWN

“UP BEFORE THE BEAK”

MR. PUNCH IN WIG AND GOWN

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF BENCH AND BAR

WITH 120 ILLUSTRATIONS

BY

H. STACY MARKS, SIR JOHN TENNIEL, GEORGE DU MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE, PHIL MAY, E. T. REED, L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, A. S. BOYD, TOM BROWNE, G. D. ARMOUR, W. F. THOMAS, AND OTHERS.

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF “PUNCH”

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

Punch Library of Humour

Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated

LIFE IN LONDON

COUNTRY LIFE

IN THE HIGHLANDS

SCOTTISH HUMOUR

IRISH HUMOUR

COCKNEY HUMOUR

IN SOCIETY

AFTER DINNER STORIES

IN BOHEMIA

AT THE PLAY

MR. PUNCH AT HOME

ON THE CONTINONG

RAILWAY BOOK

AT THE SEASIDE

MR. PUNCH AFLOAT

IN THE HUNTING FIELD

MR. PUNCH ON TOUR

WITH ROD AND GUN

MR. PUNCH AWHEEL

BOOK OF SPORTS

GOLF STORIES

IN WIG AND GOWN

ON THE WARPATH

BOOK OF LOVE

WITH THE CHILDREN

STATING THE CASE

Mr. Punch has done his share towards bringing about various law reforms. We find him hammering away continually for many years at the Law’s delays, its costliness, its inconsistencies, and the evils he has satirised, the inconveniences he has laughed at have largely been remedied. He makes fun of the jesting judge and the bullying barrister, while he is genially amusing at the expense of the timid and blundering witness, and the youthful vanity or elderly pomposity of members of the bench and bar. He is rightly bitter now and then when he touches on the comparatively light sentences inflicted on audacious, but wealthy, swindlers, and the comparatively heavy penalties exacted from lesser, poorer, and more ignorant burglars and pickpockets; but in the main he devotes himself to the lighter side of law and justice and the professions that are concerned in its administration.

Here and there you come across echoes of famous law suits—of the Tichborne trial, the Parnell Commission; here and there you have reminders of Bradlaugh’s fight to get into Parliament without taking the oath; of the days when London was agitated by the Fenian scare and valorous householders were sworn in as special constables, and again when everybody passing into the law courts had to open his bag that the policeman on duty might be assured that he was not carrying a bomb inside it.

The reading matter is particularly apt and good; not a little of it was written by barristers in the intervals of waiting for briefs, and the writers were thus intimately acquainted with the grievances they ventilated, and were often suffering the hardships of the briefless themselves when they sat down to make fun of them.

MR. PUNCH IN WIG AND GOWN

OUR LEGAL CORRESPONDENCE

Novice.—(a) Don’t, unless you want penal servitude for life. (b) Any respectable burglar. (c) We do not answer questions on chiropody in this column.

Hard Up.—Brougham on Conveyances will explain whether your contract to purchase the motor-car is binding or not.

Farmer.—It is either an “escrow” or a scarecrow; impossible to state definitely without further information.

B. and S.—There is no reduction (of the fine) in taking a quantity—generally the reverse.

Traveller.—By travelling in the manner you describe, viz., under the seat, you render yourself liable to “stoppage in transitu,” and to completing the rest of your journey on foot “in custodia legis.” The authorities on this point are very clear. See Constable’s Reports, P.C. X. Y. Z., Vol. XIV., pages 72-85.

Justice.—If the defendant lost, you, being plaintiff would win, and vice versâ. Consult a solicitor.

Student.—Can only spare space for half your questions. “Aggravated assault” explains itself, an assault which aggravates or annoys you. “Damage fesant,” a badly shot pheasant. “Simple larceny,” taking an empty purse out of a pocket in which a sovereign is lying loose. “Misdemeanour” is of course the demeanour of an unmarried woman, or in plainer language, the airs she gives herself.

“Gentlemen, I am ready to admit that his career in the past has not been free from blemish——”

A Brief Existence.—A barrister’s.

The Letter of the Law.—The “letter of the law” must be x. It expresses a quantity that is unknown.

A Law Suit.—Wig, gown, and bands.

How to make use of “the Block in the Law Courts.”—Try wigs on it.

Good Legal Securities.—De-Benchers of Lincoln’s Inn.

“WHEN THE CAT’S AWAY”——

Mr. Blazer, K.C., returns unexpectedly to his chambers in the middle of vacation.

THE BAR AND ITS MOANING

Legal Mem.—A barrister is only invited to sit on the Bench when he has had some considerable amount of standing at the Bar.

“A Winding-up Case.”—A watch’s.

PROBABLY THE NEXT ABSURDITY

In ladies’ winter costumes.

HELPFUL HINTS TO YOUNG BARRISTERS

“Never miss a chance of ingratiating yourself with the jury, even at the expense of the judge.”

(An opportunity often occurs after lunch.)

“Always laugh at the judge’s jokes. It is not upon such an occasion that his lordship observes that he will not have the court turned into a theatre.”

“Show no mercy to the police; they have few friends.”

REAL PRESENCE OF MIND

Policeman X 24, drunk and almost incapable, is just able to blow his whistle for help!

LEGAL EDUCATION

The sons of lawyers, who are intended for their fathers’ profession, cannot too early become familiar with legal phrases and their meanings. Old nursery rhymes might easily be adapted for this purpose. For instance—

I.

II.

III.

IV.

V.

[1] Subaudi, Police Court.

BREACH OF PROMISE

(Left in the Hall of the Law Courts.)

The Trials of an Anxious “Junior.”—Prompting a deaf and testy “chief” in open court is not his idea of perfect bliss.

THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS

His Honour. “H’m! Will you kindly raise your veil. I find it extremely difficult to—h’m—hear anyone distinctly with those thick veils——”

WHAT THEY SEEM

“Er—er—thank you! Silence! I will not have this court turned into a place of amusement!”

“The Meshes of the Law!”—Rural Magistrate. “Prisoner, you are charged with—ah—loitering about in a suspicious manner, without any ostensible employment. How do you obtain a living?”

Prisoner. “Your wusship, I’m engaged in the manufacture of smoked glasses for observing eclipses—an ‘industry’”—(solemnly)—“an ‘industry,’ your wusship, which involves protracted periods of enforced leisu-are!!”

Discharged with a caution!

Pity the Poor Prisoners!—Scene—County Prison: Visiting Justices on Inspection.

Visiting Justice. “Any complaints?”

Prisoner. “Yes, your Honour. We’re guv on’y one bucket at shavin’ time, so we’ve all got to dip our razors in the same water, and who knows wot skin diseases a cove might ketch!”

The Barrister’s Favourite Hymn.—“‘Brief’ life is here our portion.”

Legal Query. (From an Earnest Enquirer.)—“Sir, I have often heard of ‘The Will of the Wisp.’ Was this will ever proved? Who was ‘the Wisp’? Why so called? Because he was a man of straw? Wisper your answer to me, and oblige yours,

“Colney Hatcher, E. I.”

The Gas Companies’ Lawyer.—Coke.

Two Sorts of Police.—The Detective—and the Defective.

Criminal Query.—Can a prisoner who commits himself, also form his own conviction?

The Legal Fraternity.—Brothers-in-law.

Legal Question.—What are the “Benchers” of our Inns of Court?

Persons so called from their persistent adherence to legal forms.

Legal “Instruments.”—“Soft recorders.”

Solicitor. “Now, as a matter of fact, when expressing your opinion of your opponent, you did use a leetle strong language?”

Client. “Wull, I don’t know as I forgot anything!”

Old Saying (By our own Detective).—Professional thieves are notoriously dense, hence the proverbial expression, “Thick as thieves.”

When a leading barrister gets someone to “devil” for him, may the latter’s occupation be correctly described as “devilry”?

The result of going out for a “lark” very generally is, that the last part of the lark you see is the beak.

Sittings in Error.—A pew in a Mormonite chapel.

Law and Time.—A “watching brief” must have much to do with second-hand information.

Cause Without Effect.—An action resulting in a farthing’s damages.

A “Counter-Case.”—Shop-lifting.

Diamonds of the Cape.—Intelligent policemen.

Information Wanted.—At what time in the morning are barristers called?

MR. PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATED LAW REPORTS

“Alleged contempt of court by an infant”

Compliments.—“The Court” (thinking aloud). “Hu—m—’markably fine young wom——.”

The Witness (overhearing). “Excellent judge!!”

Cantankerous.—Legal Adviser (drawing up the old gentleman’s will). “Um—seems a pity you should cut off your son with a shilling. But, if you’re determined—hem!—what about the pictures? You have a very valuable collection, sir?——”

Crusty Invalid. “Oh, drat the pictures! Leave ’em to the Blind Asylum!!”

NO JOKE FOR A JURY

THE REJECTED DESIGN FOR THE NEW LAW COURTS

“One anonymous architect has sent in a frantic design, which the commissioners have not chosen to exhibit.”—Times, Feb. 11, 1867.

Maritime Law.—The law of libel does not apply to a “running down” case. The parties are not in the same boat.

Question.—Can a process server legally be said to be a writualist?

Question every Magistrate ought to ask himself before going to Sleep.—“I wonder if I have committed myself in any way to-day?”

How to Prevent a Conspiracy from Leaking Out.—Let the plot thicken.

A Moral Phenomenon.—A barrister returning his fee.

Briefless Theory.—’Tis practice makes the barrister perfect.

“After you,” as the policeman ought to be allowed to say to the bubble-bank director.

Legal Quibble.—A barrister should cultivate a good temper, if he would succeed as a cross-examiner.

A CONTRAST

Mr. Bigwig, the eminent K.C., and his clerk.

In a County Court.—Judge (to Mr. Pettiphog, plaintiff’s solicitor). I really cannot see that you have proved the defendant’s means.

Mr. P. (excitedly, to defendant). No means! How did you get here, sir?

Defendant. I walked.

Mr. P. Where did you get the boots to walk in?

Defendant. I borrowed them.

Mr. P. (triumphantly). On what security, sir, on what security?

Defendant. On the fact that you had taken up the case against me.

[General merriment. No order.

Brief “Bags.”—Short trousers.

Drink for Lawyers.—The Wool-sack.

The Policeman’s Lady-Love.—Ar(e)abella.

The Jury Starvation System.—Q. What foreign institution does starving a jury approach the nearest to?

A. The Diet of Hungary.

A Case of Self-sacrifice.—Mrs. Grimes. “No, sir, Mr. Smith ain’t a-bin in ’is chambers not for a week, sir.”

Mr. Brown. “Oh! You’re sure now you know the gentleman I mean—Mr. Meldon Smith?”

Mrs. Grimes. “Hi knows ’im right enough. Wy, I does all ’is washin’ and mendin’ for ’im!”

AT THE SESSIONS

Counsel. “Do you know the nature of an oath, my good woman?”

Witness (with a black eye). “I did ought to, sir! Which my ’usban’ ’s a Covin’ Garden porter, sir!”

An Expensive Call to Pay.—A call to the Bar.

Legal Inquiry.—If I buy a pair of trousers warranted to wear well, and they turn out a failure, should I, on bringing an action for damages, be “non-suited,” or could I counterclaim damages for “breeches of promise”?

THE DELIGHTS OF TRIAL BY JURY

These gentlemen are expected to be in a judicial frame of mind after hanging about the precincts of the court for several days, under penalty of a heavy fine, while their private business in the city and elsewhere is going to the dogs. (Why should not half-pay officers do the work, and relieve busy men?)

Brief Authority.—A barrister’s.

The Division List.—Divorce Court causes.

Centre of Gravity.—A judge in court.

The Block of Legal Business.—The wig block.

TO PORTIA AT THE BAR

(“The first lady barrister has just taken the oath at Paris.”—Daily paper).

The Eye of the Law.—Policeman’s bull’s-eye.

More than a Miracle.—When a prisoner is “taken from the dock unmoved.”

Song for Magistrates.—“Let us speak of a man as we’ve fined him.”

THE FINE OLD SPIRIT

“But if you really think Jones has injured you, my dear fellow, why not consult some clever lawyer?”

“Lawyer, indeed! With men of my stamp, the only possible reply to a man of Jones’s, is the horsewhip, since it can no longer be the sword!”

LEGALISED PROVERBS

Where there’s a will there’s a law suit.

The successful lawyer is a man of actions.

Look before you leap into litigation.

The wise man keeps his own counsel, and the wise counsel keeps his own man.

Many a muddle makes a muckle for the lawyers.

No suit lasts longer than a suit in Chancery.

A conveyancer is never afraid of drafts.

A brief in the hand is worth two in a solicitor’s office.

’Tis better to have fought and lost than to have had no case at all.

Little plaintiffs have large fears.

The good solicitor is known by his good deeds.

Two heads, a leader and a junior, are better than one.

Law for Ladies.—Why ought every lady nowadays to learn the legal doctrine concerning “wrong to the person”?

Ans. They ought to learn it because it’s tort. (Ask any barrister!)

AT CONSCIENCE’ CALL

[“A Policeman’s Conscience.—Police-Superintendent Roberts, of Torquay, has won a splendid reputation for impartiality. He even punishes himself for breaches of the law. The other night while cycling home from Brixham his lamp went out, and yesterday he appeared before the magistrate, in response to a summons issued by himself against himself. He said a clergyman spoke to him on the subject, and this brought the offence to his notice. He was fined 5s.”—Daily Telegraph.]

Master Bob. “Please, ma, will you kindly chastise me? I’ve been at the jam again!”

Cabby (at police-station). “’Ere, I’ve just charged a fare sixpence too much, and I want a summons out aginst meself.”

Miss Candid. “Oh, Mr. De Tiring, I was at home yesterday when you called; but you are such an awful bore, you know, I was compelled to send you away.”

Learned Judge. “Before adjourning the court to-day, I wish to state that I have been guilty of betting, at a ‘place’ within the meaning of the Act. I therefore fine myself a sum of twenty pounds and costs, coupled with a severe reprimand.”

Of course, the “Automatic Conscience Clearer” for minor offences would soon be immensely popular. We beg to offer the above suggestion. N.B.—The inventor has been provisionally protected.

SONG OF THE SLIGHTED SUITOR

Conversation in Chancery Lane.—Dull Youth. I say, what’s a legal digest?

Bright Youth. Why, you fool, it forms part of the legal course—for instance, every barrister, after he has eaten his terms, has to go through his digest!

A Firm Conviction.—Transportation for life.

Bar Gold.—Fees to counsel.

It was rather too bad, you know, that Larkins serving poor Jones like this! And his first circuit, too!

LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS

In order to husband our judicial staff, in future a judge will be expected to hear two cases at the same time.

Portrait of a judge trying a theatrical cause célèbre, and a nice question as to a “remainder-man” and a “tenant in tail male.”

The Best Game for Junior Barristers to Play.—Follow my leader.

Waiting for an Answer.—What is the difference between eating your words and eating your terms.

“May it please your ludship, I ask that the witness be forced to produce the papers that were burnt!”

A Knowing Beggar.—A beggar posted himself at the door of the Chancery Court, and kept saying: “A penny please, sir! Only one penny, sir, before you go in!” “And why, my man?” inquired an old country gentleman. “Because, sir, the chances are, you will not have one when you come out,” was the beggar’s reply.

Michaelmas Term—Legal Examination

INTRODUCTORY QUESTIONS.

Q. Mention some of the principal law books which you have studied?—A.. Hoyle’s Laws of Whist, Cribbage, &c. The Rules of the Cricket Club; ditto of the Jockey Club.

Q. Have you attended any, and what, law lectures?—A. I have attended to many legal lectures, when I have been admonished by police magistrates for kicking up rows in the streets, pulling off knockers, &c.

COMMON LAW.

Q. What is a real action?—A. An action brought in earnest, and not by way of a joke.

Q. What are original writs?—A. Pothooks and hangers.

EQUITY AND CONVEYANCING.

Q. What are a bill and answer?—A. Ask my tailor.

Q. How would you file a bill?—A. I don’t know, but would lay a case before a blacksmith.

Q. What steps would you take to dissolve an injunction? A. I should put it into some very hot water, and let it remain there until it was melted.

Q. What are post-nuptial articles?—A. Children.

CRIMINAL LAW AND BANKRUPTCY.

Q. What is simple larceny?—A. Picking a pocket of a handkerchief, and leaving a purse of money behind.

Q. What is grand larceny.—A. The income-tax.

Odd-handed Justice.—First Ruffian. “Wot was I hup for, and wot ’ave I got? Well, I floor’d a woman and took ’er watch, and I’ve got two years and a floggin’.”

Second Ruffian. “Ha!—I flung a woman out o’ the top floor winder; an’ I’ve on’y got three months!”

First Ruffian. “Ah, but then she was yer wife!!”

BY A LAW STUDENT IN CHAMBERS

A Testamentary Disposition.—Pater. “Now, my boy, I’ve been making my will, and I’ve left a very large property in trust for you. I merely wish to ask you if you’ve any suggestion to offer?”

Son. “Well, I don’t know that I have, sir—unless—hum”—(ponders)—“Quesh’n is—as things go nowadays, wouldn’t it be better to leave the property to the other f’llar, and—ah—’ppoint me the trustee?!!”

THE MODERN CLUTCHES OF THE LAW

(Fragment from a Criminal Romance)

The burglar had so far been successful. He had broken open the safe and transferred its contents to his pocket without disturbing the household. He had come down the creaking stairs with less than the customary noise. He was in sight of the street door, which, once opened, passed, and closed, would lead to freedom.

It was a pleasant prospect.

“It will delight my wife and little ones,” he murmured. “With the proceeds of this night’s work I shall be able to take them a trip to the Continent.”

Then he walked forward and opened the street door. In a moment he was seized by mechanical hands, and found himself manacled.

“Confound it!” he cried; “I had forgotten that recently patented novelty—the automatic policeman!”

MANNERS OF THE BAR

A sketch in the law courts, showing the patient and respectful attention of the counsel for the plaintiff during the speech of counsel for defendant.

Her “Court” Dress.—Fair Defendant in Cause Célèbre (reading report of yesterday’s proceedings). “The idiots! There’s no trusting one’s reputation with these newspapers. They describe my heliotrope poplin as puce alpaca with a muslin frill!”

DIVORCE MADE EASY

Dear Mr. Punch,

A writer in the St. James’s Gazette, dealing with the subject of the Divorce Laws, calmly proposes that in any revision of the code, which he strongly advocates, “women should be placed on the same footing with men.” Such a pestilent heresy of course provoked correspondence, and, as I have made a careful study of the subject, I beg to submit to you, sir, a few reasonable grounds for divorce, which this reformer will, I hope, include in his precious revised code.

A man should be allowed to obtain a divorce from his wife on all or any of the following grounds:—

1. If he sees anyone he likes better than his wife.

2. If his mother-in-law comes too often.

3. If his wife’s brother borrows money of him.

4. If she objects to his going to Paris without her.

5. If, knowing that he prefers the tops of the muffins at breakfast, she eats any of them.

6. If she hears him come in at four in the morning, when he has considerately taken off his boots to do so quietly.

7. If she refers to it.