MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE. Some pages of this work have been moved from the original sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption. The page numbering remains unaltered.

[Pg 1]

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR Edited by J. A. Hammerton

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.

[Pg 2]

Edwin (suddenly, after a long pause). "Darling!"

Angelina. "Yes, darling?"

Edwin. "Nothing, darling. Only darling, darling!"

[Bilious Old Gentleman feels quite sick.

[Pg 3]

MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE

BEING

THE HUMOURS OF COURTSHIP AND MATRIMONY

[Pg 4]

THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated

LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN

Take back the heart that you gave me.

[Pg 5]

ABOUT MATRIMONIAL JOKES, AND ONE IN PARTICULAR

Of all Mr. Punch's jokes it might be fair to say that none has ever rivalled the popularity of "Advice to persons about to marry,—Don't!" unless it be that of the Scotsman who had been no more than a few hours in London, "when bang went saxpence!" Of the latter, more in its place; here, we are immediately concerned with "Punch's advice". The most preposterous stories are current among the uninformed as to the origin of some of Mr. Punch's favourite jests. Only recently we heard a gentleman telling a group of people in a hotel smoking-room that Mark Twain got a hundred pounds from Punch for writing that famous line, "I used your soap two years ago; since then I have used no other," familiar to every one by Mr. Harry Furniss's drawing of a disreputable tramp who is supposed to be writing the words quoted. As a matter of fact, the idea came to Mr. Furniss from an anonymous correspondent. Stories equally, if not more, absurd have been told as to the origin of "Punch's advice," which, thanks to the researches of Mr. Spielmann, we now know

to have been the happy inspiration of Henry Mayhew, one of the founders of Punch. It was sixty-one years ago that Mayhew wrote the line, and how many millions of[Pg 6] times it must have been quoted since one dare not guess!

It may be said to have struck the keynote of Mr. Punch's matrimonial policy, as an examination of his pages reveals him an incorrigible pessimist on the subject of marriage. He is very hard on the mother-in-law, but in all his life he has not made more than one or two jokes about the young wife's pastry, though he has made a good deal of fun about her general ignorance of domestic affairs. Nor has he spared the bachelor or the old maid, and the designing widow has been an especial butt for his shafts.

It might be a good thing to pass a law prohibiting young and marriageable men from reading Punch, in order to save many of them from being discouraged and frightened out of the thought of marriage, and it would certainly be an incentive thereto—they would be tempted to become Benedicts if only that they might qualify for the removal of the prohibition!

"DRIVEN TO DESPERATION"

[Pg 7]

MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE

Advice to Persons who have "Fallen in Love."—Fall out.

Advice to Persons about to Marry.—Don't.

Encouraging.—George (who has just engaged himself to the Girl of his heart) breaks the happy news to his friend Jack (who has been married some time).—Jack. "Ah! well, my dear fellow, marriage is the best thing in the long run, and I can assure you that after a year or two a man gets used to it, and feels just as jolly as if he'd never married at all!"

[Pg 8]

A Definition.—Flirtation: a spoon with nothing in it.

Domestic.—It was a homely but pungent observation, on the part of a man of much experience and observation, that marriage without love was like tripe without onions.

Adage by a Young Lady.—Man proposes, but mamma disposes.

By a Beastly Old Bachelor.—A married man's fate (in brief).—Hooked, booked, cooked.

Describe a Home-Circle.—The wedding ring.

How to fix the Happy Day.—Q. When's the best day for a wedding? A. Why, of course, "A Weddin's day."

DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

Said Stiggins to his wife one day,

"We've nothing left to eat;

If things go on in this queer way,

We shan't make both ends meet."

The dame replied, in words discreet,

"We're not so badly fed,

If we can make but one end meat,

And make the other bread."

[Pg 9]

Clergyman. "Augustus, wilt thou take this woman——"

Bride (late of Remnant & Co.'s Ribbon Department). "Lady!"

[Pg 10]

To Persons about to Marry.—Take care to choose a lady help, and not a lady encumbrance.

Accounted for at Last.—Is it not strange that the "best man" at a wedding is not the bridegroom? This must be the reason of so many unhappy marriages.

The Best Wards of a Latchkey.—Homewards!

One Great Lottery Office still Recognised by the Law.—The Marriage Register.

"There goes the second Mrs. Muggeray!"

"Gracious! What on earth did he marry her for?"

"Oh, he said he wanted some one to amuse the children!"

[Pg 11]

WONDERFUL WHAT AN ADJECTIVE WILL DO

Brown (newly married—to Jones, whom he entertained a few evenings previously). "Well, what did you think of us, old boy, eh?"

Jones. "Oh, pretty flat. Er—awfully pretty flat!"

[Pg 12]

Scientific Accuracy.—"But why do you want to marry her?" "Because I love her!" "My dear fellow, that's an excuse—not a reason!"

To Persons about to Marry.—What is enough for one, is half enough for two, short commons for three, and starvation for half a dozen.

Love me, lady!

My hair is gray;

When round comes pay-day

I cannot pay.

My corns are awful,

My prospects shady,

I want a comforter:

Love me, lady!

Notes of Admiration.—Love letters.

"THERE IS A TIE THAT BINDS US TO OUR HOMES"

[Pg 13]

He. "I can't understand Phyllis rejecting me last night."

She. "Never mind. You'll soon get over it."

He. "Oh, I've got over it right enough; but I can't help feeling so doosid sorry for her. I shan't ask her again!"

[Pg 14]

"A NIGHT OF IT"

Young Wife (2 a.m..). "Dinner at the Albion! the theatre! and supper and a rubber at the club! Well, Henry, I wonder you did not go to all the places of amusement in London, and (sobbing) not come home all night!"

Henry. "My dear, all th' other places shu' rup!!"

[Pg 15]

SENSE AND SENSIBILITY A FRAGMENT

Yes, Robert! But O! do look at the excellent evening glow on yon distant hills! How solemn!! How sublime!"

"O! stunning. Well, then I measured the scullery: six feet by ten ... that'll just do, won't it?"

[Pg 16]

PRIMARY ROCK

The Effect of Getting Married.—"Poor Dick! how sadly he is altered since his marriage!" remarked one friend to another. "Why, yes, of course," replied the other; "directly a man's neck is in the nuptial noose, every one must see that he's a haltered person."

A Bad Pre-eminence.—What is there beats a good wife? A bad husband.

Question by a Sewing Machine.—What is woman's true sphere?—The Hemisphere.

A Marriage Question.—If a man addicted to smoking marries a widow, does it follow that he must lay down his pipe, because she gives up her weeds?

A Ready-made Rejoinder.—He. "You made a fool of me when I married you, ma'am!" She. "Lor! You always told me you were a self-made man!"

Mem. by an Old Maid.—If you "look over your age," you won't find anyone else willing to do the same.

[Pg 17]

MAFEKING NIGHT (Or rather 3 a.m. the following morning)

Voice (from above). "Good gracious, William! Why don't you come to bed?"

William (huskily). "My dear Maria, you know it's been the rule of my life to go to bed shober—and I can't posh'bly come to bed yet!"

[Pg 18]

THE NEOGAMS—A WARNING

Newly married,

Railway carried;

Sighing.

At the station

Osculation;

Crying.

Smiling, parting;

Hands at starting

Gripping.

Cozy quarters,

Guards and porters

Tipping.

On the journey

Glances yearny,

Mooning.

Closely sitting,

As is fitting,

Spooning.

Destination;

Forced cessation.

Pity!

Porters poking

Fun, and joking,

Witty.

On arriving,

Carriage driving;

Kissing.

Lovely scenery,

Lakes and greenery,

Missing.

Hotel, table

d'hôte a rabble.

Shun it!

Private cover

Sooner over—

Done it.

Champagne drinking;

Waiter winking.

Curious!

People smiling;

Very riling;

Furious.

After dining,

Arms entwining,

Walking

Sipping honey—

What's there funny?—

Talking.

So time passes;

Grinning asses

Guess 'em

Newly married,

Sorely harried—

Bless 'em!

[Pg 19]

Casual Acquaintance.. "Hear you're to be married, Mr. Ribbes. Congratulate you!"

Mr. Ribbes. "Much obliged, but I dunno so much about congratulations. It's corstin' me a pretty penny, I tell yer. Mrs. Ribbes as is to be, she wants 'er trousseau, yer know; an' then there's the furnishin', an' the licence, an' the parson's fees; an' then I 'ave to give 'er an' 'er sister a bit o' jool'ry a-piece; an' wot with one thing an' another—she's a 'eavy woman, yer know, thirteen stun odd—well, I reckon she'll 'a corst me pretty near two-an'-eleven a pound afore I git 'er 'ome!"

[Pg 20]

SONGS OF THE HEARTH-RUG

THE NEGLECTED WIFE TO HER RUSHLIGHT

My rushlight, when first kindled,

Twelve inches long wast thou;

And I behold thee dwindled

To one, my candle, now!

How brief thy span, contrasted

With rushlight's average life!

A happier dip had lasted

A week a happier wife.

Where is my husband got to?

Oh say, expiring light!

A man ought really not to

Stay out so every night.

I'm sure that Bradshaw's press'd him

To join his tippling lot:

That Bradshaw! I detest him;—

The good-for-nothing sot!

Would that this piece of paper,

Which, ere thy flame expire,

I light from thee, my taper,

Could set that club on fire.

A Blunder-buss.—Kissing the wrong girl.

Motto for the Married.—Never dis-pair.

Mem. by "One who Married in Haste."—"The real 'Battle of Life' begins with a short engagement."

[Pg 21]

Time—3 a.m.

Voice from above. "Is that you, John? You're very late, aren't you?"

Brown (returned from celebrating the latest victory). "It's only about—er—twelve, my dear, I think——"

The Cuckoo Clock. "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

Brown (grasping situation instantly). "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

[Pg 22]

A WET NURSE

"LITERA SCRIPTA."—Wooer. "Oh, Miss—oh, Lavinia! may I not still hope?—or is your cruel rejection of my suit final and irrevoc——" Spinster (firmly). "Yes, Mr. Brown, I seriously desire you will regard it so." Wooer. "Then, dearest, may I ask you"—(producing the materials from adjacent writing-table)—"to—ah—put it on papar! I shall feel safer!"

A "Noiseless Sewing Machine."—A good wife.

Pauca Verba.—Robinson (after a long Whist bout at the Club). "It's awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife?" Brown (in a whisper). "Oh, I shan't say much, you know—'Good morning, dear,' or something o' that sort. She'll say the rest!!!"

NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE

[Pg 23]

Playing down to him.—Young couple (who expect the visit of a very miserly relative, from whom they have expectations) are clearing the room of every sign of luxury.

Wife (earnestly). "We must do all we can to make uncle feel at home."

Husband (caustically). "Then we had better let the fire out."

[Pg 24]

Fair Widow. "Yes, I've made up my mind that when I die I shall be cremated, as my husband was."

Gallant Captain. "Dear lady, please don't talk about such dreadful things. Consider how much better it would be, in your case, to—er—cross out the C!"

Visitor (to Friend lately left a Widower).—"Hullo, Tom! That looks a stiffish bill you've got there!"

Tom.. "Ah, how those rascals of undertakers do fleece you! They know you can hardly help yourself! Of course, in my poor wife's case I would cheerfully have paid double. But one hates to be done.—Um!"

A Wife's Vocation.—Husbandry.

[Pg 25]

A DECLARATION

"Louisa, you've stolen something."

"Go on!"

"You 'ave."

"You're a——! What 'ave I stole?"

"My 'eart!"

[Pg 26]

MARRIAGE MEMORIES

What the Father says.—Which side must I stand on when I give her away?

What the Mother says.—I am sure the ices will be late for the breakfast.

What the Sister says.—I flatter myself I am the best looking of the eight bridesmaids.

What the Brother says.—Of course, the best man is behind his time—just like him!

What the Pew-opener says.—This way, my dear young lady!

What the Beadle says.—They are sure to be in time, sir. I will motion to you the moment I see 'em a coming.

What the Clergyman says.—Have you got the ring?

What the Crowd says.—Hoorray! That's 'er! Oh, ain't 'e a guy!

What the Old Friend of the Family says.—I have known him too since he was so high. That was nigh upon forty years ago!

What the Funny Man says.—You can see from[Pg 28] my face that I am just the man to be associated with the bridesmaids.

What the Best Man says.—Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.

What the Bride says.—Good-bye, my own darling mamma and papa, and—Emmy dear, please do see the things are all right before we start.

What the Bridegroom says.—Thank goodness, it is all over.

[Pg 27]

"DECEIVERS EVER"

Goldsmith. "Would you like any name or motto engraved on it, sir?"

Customer (who had chosen an engagement ring). "Ye—yes—um—'Augustus to Irene.' And—ah—loo' here—don't—ah—cut 'Irene' very deep!!"

A SCIENTIFIC WOOER

"Drink to me only with thine eyes"—

And if you happen to survive a

So curious potion, pray advise

How it affects the conjunctiva!

This problem, which my mind absorbs,

A veritable Gordian knot is:

How can maids swallow with their orbs?

Where's the protecting epiglottis?

"I sent thee late a rosy wreath"—

For Science' sake, my Angelina,

And hope you noticed underneath

Those buds of rosa damascena.

No high-flown zeal my soul uplifts,

And as for ardour, I've not got any;—

I simply send you floral gifts

To help you forward with your botany!

The Flirt's Paradise.—Coquet Island.

[Pg 29]

SO SWEET OF HER!

Lady (recently married, in answer to congratulations of visiting lady friend). "Thank you, dear. But I still find it very hard to remember my new name."

Friend. "Ah, dear, but of course you had the old one so long!"

[Pg 30]

"Oh, George dear, the landlord has raised the rent!"

"Has he? I can't!"

[Pg 31]

EVIDENCE OF AN EYE-WITNESS

Guest. "Why do you believe in second sight, Major?"

Major Darby (in an impressive whisper). "Because I fell in love at first sight!"

[Pg 32]

FULL MOON FIRST QUARTER

THIRD QUARTER NO MOON

The Brute Creation.—Husbands who beat their wives.

The Height of Modesty.—The most bashful girl we ever knew was one who blushed when she was asked if she had not been courting sleep.

[Pg 33]

"Are you comin' 'ome?"

"I'll do ellythik you like in reasol, M'ria—(hic)—bur I won't come 'ome."

[Pg 34]

Harold. "And now, darling, tell me what your father said when you told him we were engaged."

Sybil. "Oh, Harold, don't ask me to repeat his language!"

TO ALL THE OTHER GIRLS

You know, I like you awfully, Jess,

Phyllis, the same applies to you,

To Edith and to Mary no less,

Also to others, not a few.

Yet some of you are rather "mad,"

You choose to feel, I understand, a

Slight sense of injury, since I've had

The glorious luck to win Amanda.

I wish, sincerely, it were not

Impossible for me to fall

In love with some of you—a lot—

In fact I'd gladly love you all!

But, when you come to think it out,

I'm sure my reasoning will strike you,

You'll find it, I can have no doubt,

More flattering that I should like you.

Fate sends their wives to poor and rich,

Fate does not send them thus their friends;

Then let my final couplet (which

I rather fancy) make amends.

This fundamental truth, I trust,

My seeming fickleness excuses—

One simply loves because one must

Whereas one likes because one chooses!

[Pg 35]

HIGHLY SATISFACTORY

Mistress. "I'm sorry for you, John; but if your wife has got such a dreadful temper, why did you marry her?"

Coachman (the Fourth Husband). "Well, mum, I had three good characters with her?"

A. "That's Jones's daughter with him. She's just about to be married."

B. "Who's the lucky man?"

A. "Jones."

[Pg 37]

A FESTIVE PROSPECT!

Husband. "Didn't I tell you not to invite your mother back in my——"

Wife. "Dear, that's the very thing she's come about! She read your letter!" [Tableau.

[Pg 38]

DOMESTIC TIE

VALENTINE'S DAY—THEN AND NOW

Then—Thirty Years Ago. Family assembled.

Paterfamilias. Post nearly two hours late! Really disgraceful!

Materfamilias. Well, dear, remember it's only once a year, and we used to enjoy it ourselves before we were married!

Eldest Daughter. I got half-a-dozen last year. I dare say I shall get twice as many this.

Second Daughter. I dare say! I believe you send them yourself!

Eldest Daughter. So probable! How can you think of such silly things! And how spiteful of you!

Son and Heir. Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post.

Enter servant with heaps of letters, which are eagerly seized and distributed.

[Pg 40]

Chorus. What are they?

Paterfamilias (disgusted at his budget). Valentines!

Now—To-day. Family assembled as before.

Paterfamilias. The fourteenth of February. Dear me, surely this is a memorable date—somehow.

Materfamilias. To be sure, father. It's Valentine's Day.

Eldest Daughter. Is it really true, mother, that people used to receive pictures just as we do Christmas cards?

Second Daughter. Come, you can surely remember. It's not so very long for you.

Eldest Daughter. Don't be spiteful! Remember, miss, there's only a couple of years between us!

Second Daughter. Really! From our appearance there might be a decade!

Son and Heir. Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post!

Enter servant with a solitary letter.

Chorus. What is it?

Paterfamilias (perusing a bill). Not a Valentine!

"The Act of Union."—Getting married.

[Pg 39]

That dear old Mrs. Wilkinson (who can't always express exactly what she means to say, meeting Jones with the girl of his choice). "And is this young lady your fiasco, Mr. Jones?"]

[Pg 41]

Brown. "I say, old man, who's that very plain elderly lady you were walking with—now sitting here?"

Smith (the impecunious, who has married money). "Oh, that's my wife."

Brown. "Your wife! But"—(lowering his voice)—"She has only one eye—and so awfully—I beg your pardon—but——"

Smith (pleasantly). "You needn't whisper, old man. She's deaf"

[Pg 42]