MR. PUNCH'S IRISH HUMOUR

IN PICTURE AND STORY

WITH 154 ILLUSTRATIONS

BY

CHARLES KEENE, PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL, BERNARD PARTRIDGE, G. D. ARMOUR, E. T. REED, H. M. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, GUNNING KING, AND OTHERS

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH

THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

[Pg 4]

The Punch Library of Humour

Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated

[Pg 5]

MR. PUNCH AND PAT

(By way of Introduction)

No Punch artist has done more with Irish humour than Charles Keene. Well over a third of the Punch drawings on this subject are from his pencil. Most of the Punch artists have made good use of it, Phil May and Mr. Raven-Hill in particular.

Some of Mr. Punch's jokes against the Fenians, Home Rule, and Irish disloyalty have a bitterness that is quite unusual with him, but none of these are included in our pages, and he has at other times handled the same topics with his customary geniality and good-humoured satire. He makes the most of the Irishman's traditional weakness for "##bulls" whisky, fighting, and living with his pigs, but he gets an immense amount of variety out of these themes, and does not neglect to touch upon other typically Irish characteristics. If you have examples of the Irishman's blunderings, you have examples also of his ready wit and his amazing talent for blarney.

[Pg 6]

We have thus in the present volume a delightful collection of Irish wit and high spirits. The happy-go-lucky characteristic of Pat is especially prominent in many of the jokes, and interpreting Mr. Punch's attitude towards the Irishman as one of admiration for his many excellent qualities, instead of regarding him as the "but" for English jokes, too often the notion of comic writers, the editor has sought to represent Mr. Punch as the friend of Pat, sometimes his critic, but always his good humoured well-wisher, who laughs at him now and then, but as often with him.

[Pg 7]

MR. PUNCH'S IRISH HUMOUR

The Irish Yolk.—In the name of the profit—eggs! Irish co-operators have already made giant strides in the production of milk and butter, and now the Irish Co-operative Agency has decided, so says the Cork Daily Herald, to "take up the egg trade." We hope the egg-traders won't be "taken up," too; if so, the trade would be arrested just when it was starting, and where would the profit be then? "It is stated that many Irish eggs now reach the English market dirty, stale, and unsorted," so that wholesale English egg-merchants[Pg 8] have preferred to buy Austrian and French ones. Ireland not able to compete with the foreigner! Perish the thought! A little technical education judiciously applied will soon teach the Irish fowl not to lay "shop 'uns."

Tantalus.—Irish Waiter (to Commercial Gent, who had done a good stroke of business already). "Brikfast! Yessir. What'll ye have, yer honour—tay or coffee?"

Commercial Gent (hungry and jubilant). "Coffee and fried sole and mutton cutlet to follow!"

Waiter (satirically). "Annything ilse, surr?"

Commercial Gent. "Yes, stewed kidneys. Ah and a savoury omelette!"

Waiter. "Yessir. Annything——"

Commercial Gent. "No, that will do——"

Waiter (with calm contempt). "And do ye expict to foind the loikes o' them things here? Sure, ye'll get what yez always got—bacon an' iggs!"

From an Irish Reporter in a Troubled District.—"The police patrolled the street all night, but for all that there was no disturbance."

[Pg 9]

Mr. MacSimius. "Well, Oi don't profess to be a particularly cultivated man meself; but at laste me progenitors were all educated in the hoigher branches!"

[Pg 10]

ERIN GO BRAGH

Dear Mr. Punch,—I perceive that there is a movement on foot, initiated by the patriot Doogan, M.P., for teaching the Irish language to the youthful Redmonds and Healeys of the Emerald Isle. I am sorry that the Government has not acquiesced in the motion. I, myself, would bring in a measure compelling all Hibernian Members of Parliament to denounce (they never speak) in their native tongue. Just fancy the rapture with which they would inveigh in a language incapable of comprehension by a single Sassenach! And what a mighty relief to the other legislators! If necessary, the Speaker might be provided with an Anglo-Irish dictionary, or possibly a new post (open to Nationalists only) might be created, viz., Interpreter for Ireland.

Trusting that my suggestion may be supported by you,

I am, yours obediently,

Lindley Murray Walker

The College, Torkington-on-the-Marsh.

[Pg 11]

Usher (the Court having been much annoyed by the shuffling of feet). "Will ye hould yer tongues up there with yer feet in the gallery!"

[Pg 12]

Irish Landlord (to his agent, who has been to London as a witness). "And did ye mix much in society, Murphy?"

Mr. Pat Murphy. "Mix is it? Faix I did that, every night of the whole time, and they said they'd niver tasted anything like it!"

[Pg 13]

"Whatever have you been doing with yourself, Murphy? You look all broken up!" "Well, yer 'anner, I wint to wan iv thim 'shtop-the-war' meetings lasht noight!"

[Pg 14]

IRISH PROVERBS

Every goose thinks his wife a duck.

No news in a newspaper isn't good news.

Manners make the gentleman, and the want of them drives him elsewhere for his shooting.

A miss is as good as a mile of old women.

Too many cooks spoil the broth of a boy.

It's foolish to spoil one's dinner for a ha'porth of tarts.

There are as fine bulls in Ireland as ever came out of it.

Necessity has no law, but an uncommon number of lawyers.

Better to look like a great fool, than to be the great fool you look.

A soft answer may turn away wrath, but in a Chancery suit, a soft answer is only likely to turn the scales against you.

One fortune is remarkably good until you have had another one told you.

Don't halloa until you have got your head safe out of the wood, particularly at Donnybrook Fair.

[Pg 15]

Lady (looking at new cob). "How does he go, Patrick?"

Irish Groom. "The very best, m'lady! Sure it's only now and then he touches the ground in odd spots."

[Pg 16]

Men of straw don't make the best bricks.

It's a narrow bed that has no turning.

When money is sent flying out of the window it's poverty that comes in at the door.

The pig that pleases to live must live to please.

One man may steal a hedge, whereas another daren't even as much as look at a horse.

Short rents make long friends—and it holds good equally with your landlord and your clothes.

The mug of a fool is known by there being nothing in it.

You may put the carte before the horse, but you can't make him eat.

Money makes the gentleman, the want of it the blackguard.

When wise men fall out, then rogues come by what is not their own.

A Bitter Bad Fruit.—A patriotic Irishman, expatiating eloquently upon the Lodge disturbances that were so repeatedly taking place in his country, exclaimed wildly: "By Jove, sir, you may call the Orange the Apple of Discord of Ireland."

[Pg 17]

Irate Station-master. "What the divil are ye waitin' for?"

Engine-driver. "Can't ye see the signals is against me?"

Station-master. "Is it the signals? Sure now, ye're gettin' mighty particular!"

[Pg 18]

Paddy. "Where will I catch the express for Dublin?"

Station-master. "Ye'll catch it all over ye if ye don't get off the line mighty quick!"

[Pg 19]

A Regular Turk.—Adjutant. "Well, sergeant, how's your prisoner getting on?" Sergeant of the Guard. "Bedad, sor, he's the vi'lentest blaggyard I iver had to do wid! We're all in tirror iv our loives! Shure we're obliged to feed him wid fixed bay'nits!"

[Pg 20]

THE TALE OF A VOTE

[Pg 21]

Not Quite the Same Thing.—Merciful Traveller. "Your little horse has been going well. When do you bait him?" Pat. "Ah, shure, it's been a purty livel road, sor: but Oi'l have to bate him goin' up Sloggin Derry Hill, sor!"

[Pg 22]

Irish Meteorology.—There surely must be some constant cause existing whose agency maintains the chronic disaffection of Ireland. Perhaps it is some disturbing element ever present in the atmosphere. That may possibly be a predominance of O'Zone.

Old Gentleman (who has not hurried over his Dinner, and has just got his Bill.) "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here twopence for stationery. You know I've had none——"

Irish Waiter. "Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin' here a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"

[Pg 23]

The Consequence of the Chair.—Chairman of the Home-Rule Meeting. "'The chair' will not dispute the point with Misther O'Pummel——" The O'Pummel. "'The chair' had betther not, onless he loikes to stip out, and take his coat off!!" [Confusion—exeunt fighting.

[Pg 24]

The Headless Man again.—Stock-jobber (to new Irish clerk, who is working out the Bull and Bear list). "Hullo, why do you write "B" against your results?"

Clerk. "Shure, sir, that's for "Bull," to distinguish them from "Bear.""

Very Irish Rendering of an Old Song.—"'Tis my daylight on a shiny night!"

A Taste of the Times.—Mr. Molony, Irish Farmer (to Mr. Flynn, the Agent). "Sure, I've come to ask yer honner to say a word to the masther for me, for the Black Boreen haulding."

Agent. "No, Molony, the masther won't take a tenant without capital."

Mr. Molony. "And is it capital? Sure, I've three hundred pounds in the bank this minit!"

Agent. "Oh, I thought I saw your name to that petition for a reduction of rents, as you were all starving!"

Mr. Molony. "Tare an' agers! Mr. Flynn, darlin'! Is the petition gone to the masther yet? If your honner could just give me a hoult av it, that I may sthrike my name out!"

[Pg 25]

Tourist. "Have you not got Scotch whiskey?"

Waiter (in an Irish hotel). "No, sorr, we don't kape it. And them as does only uses it to water down our own!"

[Pg 26]

"As Clear as Mud."—Irish Waiter. "An' will yer 'anner have an inside kyar or an outside kyar?" Inexperienced Saxon. "Oh, an outside car, of course; I don't want a covered conveyance; I want to see the country." Irish Waiter. "Oh, shure, nayther of 'em's covered." (Closing door and preparing for a luminous explanation.) "It's this way, it is, sir. They call 'em inside kyars bekase the wheels is outside, an' they call 'em outside kyars by rason the wheels is inside!!"

[Pg 27]

A Good Listener.—Reverend Gentleman. "Well, Tim, did you leave the letter at the squire's?" Tim. "I did, your riv'rence. I b'lieve they're having dinner company to-day——" Reverend Gentleman (angrily). "What business had you to be listening about? How often have I told you——" Tim. "Plaze your riv'rence, I only listened with my nose!!"

[Pg 28]

O'Brien. "Oh, murther aloive! Barney, come and help me! Pat has fallen into the mortar, and he's up to the ankles!" McGeorge. "Och, if he's only up to the ankles, he can walk out." O'Brien. "Oh, bedad, but he's in head first!"

[Pg 29]

Irish Pat (to Bashful Bridget). "Look up, Bridget me darlin'. Shure an' I'd cut me head off ony day in the week for a sight of yer beautiful eyes!"

[Pg 30]

TRUSTWORTHY AUTHORITY

Host. "Michael, didn't I tell you to decant the best claret?"

Michael. "You did, sorr." Host. "But this isn't the best."

Michael. "No, sorr; but it's the best you've got!"

[Pg 31]

"THE HARP IN THE AIR"

Irish Gentleman (who has vainly endeavoured to execute a jig to the fitful music of the telegraph wires). "Shure! whoiver y'are ye can't play a bit! How can a jintleman dance—(hic!)—iv ye don't kape thime?"!!

[Pg 32]

The Cockney who said he valued Switzerland for its mountain hair has a supporter in a writer in the Irish Independent, who remarks: "There are many mountains in the country now bare and desolate, whose brows, if whiskered with forests, would present a striking appearance."

Geographical Catechism.—Q. What do we now call the Isle of Patmos?

A. Ireland.

Refreshment for Man and Beast.—Traveller in Ireland (who has been into a shebeen). "But are you not going to bait the horse?"

Pat. "Is it bate him? Sure, and didn't I bate him enough coming along?"

Irish Gent (paying debt of honour.) "There's the sovereign ye kindly lint me, Brown. I'm sorry I haven't been able——"

Saxon (pocketing the coin). "Never thought of it from that day to——By Jove! 'forgot all about it——"

Irish Gent. "Bedad! I wish ye'd tould me that before!"

[Pg 33]

Surgeon (examining in the practical methods of reviving the apparently drowned). "Now, how long would you persevere in those motions of the arms?" Bluejacket (from the Emerald Isle). "Until he was dead, sir!"

[Pg 34]

Squire (rather perplexed). "Hullo, Pat! Where did you get the hare?" Pat. "Shure, surr, the cr'atur' was wand'rin' about, an' I thought I'd take't to the 'Wanes'!" Squire. "But did the keeper see you?" Pat. "Bliss yer honour, I've been lookin' for him iver since I caught it!!"

[Pg 35]

Waiting for the Landlord.—Ribbonman (getting impatient). "Bedad, they ought to be here by this toime! Sure, Tirince, I hope the ould gintleman hasn't mit wid an accidint!!!"

[Pg 36]

AN IRISH "BRADSHAW"

(Scene—Westland Row Station, Dublin)

British Swell to Native Inhabitant (loq.). "Haw, haw, pray will you direct me the shortest way to Baggot Street, haw?"

Native Inhabitant. "Baggit Street, yer honor, yis, yer honor, d' see that sthreet just forninst ye? Well, goo oop that, toorn nayther to yer right nor to yer lift, till ye khoom to the foorst toorn, and when ye khoom to the foorst toorn, don't toorn down that ayther, but walk sthrait on and that'll lade ye to the place Igs-actly."

Supercilious Saxon. "Haw, thank yaw, haw!" (And walks off more mystified than ever.)

Irish Vaccination.—Professor Gamgee says that, owing to the vagrant cur nuisance, "Hydrophobia in man is increasing in Ireland." This fact is one which homœopathy may suggest some reason for not altogether deploring. The canine virus and the vaccine may be somewhat analogous; and, if like cures like, many a happy cure may be effected by a mad dog biting a rabid Irishman.

[Pg 37]

Irishman (whose mate has just fallen overboard with the bucket while swabbing decks). "Plaze, captin, do ye rimimber that Scotchie ye tuk aboard the same toime as ye did me? I mane him wot had the lot o' good character papers, an' me that niver had a blissid wan?" Captain. "Well?" Irishman. "Well—he's off wid yer pail!"]

[Pg 38]

"Just make it a couple of shillings, captain dear!"—"No!" "Eighteenpence then, major!"—"No!" "Och thin, colonel darling, just threppence for a glass o' whiskey!"—"No, I tell you!" "Git out wid ye thin, ye boa conshthructor, sure an' I know'd ye all the toime!"

[N.B.—The fare is the head of an eminent firm of furriers in Kilconan Street, and cultivates a martial appearance

[Pg 39]

Circumlocutory.—The Parson (who likes to question the boys, now and then, in a little elementary science). "Now, can any of you tell me—Come, I'll ask you, Donovan,—What is salt?" Irish boy. "Iv y' plaze, sir,—it's—it's"—(after a desperate mental effort)—"it's the stuff that—makes a p'taytor very nasty 'v ye don't ate 't with 't!"

[Pg 40]

PADDY TO HIS PIG

An Irish National School-Lesson.—

Master. Spell "Patriotism."

Scholar. P-a-t, "Pat;" r-i-o-t, "riot;" i-s-m "ism."

Master. Now spake it together.

Scholar. Pat-riot-ism.

Master. Ah, then, it's the good boy you are entirely.

[Pg 41]

Irishman (who has run up a score at the inn, to firemen). "Play on the slate, bhoys!"

[Pg 42]

An Irish Difficulty.—Pat ("the morning after," reading prescription). "'Dissolve wan of the powdhers in half a tumbler of wather, an' th' other powdher in another half tumbler of wather. Mix, an' dhrink whoile efferveshin'.' What'll Oi do? Whoy the div'l didn't he say which Oi was to mix furrst?"

[Pg 43]

The Colonel. "Mr. Moriarty, I received this morning a most offensive anonymous letter, and, from certain indications, I am compelled reluctantly to ask you if you know anything about it."

Moriarty. "An anonymous letter? Whoy, Oi'd scorn to put my name to such a thing."

[Pg 44]

QUITE ANOTHER THING

Paddy (the loser). "Arrah g'long! I said I'd lay you foive to wan, but I wasn't goin' to bet my ha'f-crown agin your tath'rin little sixpence!"

[Exeunt fighting.

[Pg 45]

Making things pleasant.—Irishman (to English Sportsman). "Is it throuts? Be jabers, the watther's stiff wid 'em!!!"

["Regardless of strict truth, in his love of hyperbole and generous desire to please," as our friend recorded in his diary after a blank day.

[Pg 46]

A BREATH FROM THE FAR WEST

"Can I go a yard nearer on my side, as I've lost the sight of me one eye intirely?"

[Pg 47]

"Pat" Junior (in answer to question by Saxon Tourist). "There's foive of us, yer honour, an' the baby."

Saxon. "And are you the eldest?"

"Pat" Junior. "I am, yer honour—at prisent!!"

[Pg 48]

Irish Groom. "Will ye send up two sacks of oats an' a bundle av hay."

Voice from Telephone. "Who for?"

Irish Groom. "The harse, av coorse, ye fool!"

[Pg 49]

INS AND OUTS

Irish Innkeeper (to "Boots," &c.)."H'where's Biddee? Out, is she? Bad luck to the hussy! She'll go out twinty toimes for wonce she'll come in!"

[Pg 50]

"IRISH"

Polite Young Man. "Perhaps you feel a draught, madam?"

Old Lady. "No, sir, not this side. I'm always careful to sit with my back facing the engine!"

[Pg 51]

WOKE UP

Boots. "Eight o'clock, surr!"

Voice (from the deeps). "Why didn't ye tell me that before, confound you!"

[Pg 52]

RULES FOR HOME-RULERS

The following regulations, to be observed in the Irish Parliament when it meets on College Green, are under consideration:—

1. The Speaker shall not speak except when he is talking.

2. Such terms as "thief of the wurruld," "spalpeen," "nager," "villian," "polthroon," "thraytor," "omadhawn," &c., and such epithets as "base," "brutal," "bloody-minded," and others named in the schedule to these regulations, shall be considered unparliamentary, except when used in the heat of debate.

3. An Annual Budget shall be presented to the House once a quarter.

4. Shilelaghs, revolvers, and pikes, shall not be introduced into the House, except when accompanied by a Member.

5. A Member shall be bound to attend every debate. A Member, however, shall be excused if he gets up in his place in the House and announces[Pg 53] that he would be present were he not ill at home in bed.

Scene—An Irish Station. Fair Day

Porter. "An what the divil are ye doin', tying that donkey up there?"

Pat (slightly under the influence, taking his new purchase home). "Shure an' I've a perfect right to! Haven't I taken a ticket for the baste!"

[Pg 54]

6. A quorum shall consist of forty Members. Should a count-out be demanded, Members who have been engaged in personal altercation, shall be included unless they are sufficiently conscious to utter "Erin go Bragh!" thrice distinctly.

7. Duels will be strictly forbidden. Should any Member, however, think proper to break this rule, it will be considered a breach of privilege if he does not invite the Speaker and the whole House to see the fun.

8. There will be only one Speaker; but two or more Members may be elected to the post.

9. Only one Member shall address the House at a time, except when two or more wish to speak at once, in which case they shall not interrupt each other.

10. A Member when addressing the House shall not wear his hat unless he has got it on his head before rising, when he shall remove it on any Member directing the Speaker's attention to the fact.

11. Under no consideration whatever will the consumption of any spirits be permitted in the House. This rule does not apply to whiskey, gin, brandy, and the French liqueurs.

[Pg 55]

Irish Nurse. "Now thin, mum, wake up an' take yer sleepin' dhraught!"

[Pg 56]

12. As only the most elegant Dublin English will be spoken in the House, no Provincial brogue can be tolerated. To this rule there will be no exception.

Pat's True Breakfast Chronometer.—"Sure, me stomach in the early morning is as good as a watch to me. I always know when it wants 'something to ate.'"

A Broad Hint.—English Traveller (to Irish Railway Porter labelling luggage). "Don't you keep a brush for that work, porter?"

Porter. "Shure, your honour, our tongues is the only insthruments we're allowed. But they're asy kep' wet, your honour?"

[Hint taken!