Munchausen XX

Being wondrous but veracious happenings which befell my ancestors, here translated and for the first time printed from manuscripts found most miraculously by myself

CONTAINING, AS WELL, AND AS PERSPICACIOUSLY SET FORTH, NOT ALONE MY ADVENTURES IN SECURING THESE REMARKABLE DOCUMENTS, BUT A VERY ENTRANCING AND ENTERTAINING SERIES OF THRILLING INCIDENTS THAT TOOK PLACE IN MY LIFE PRIOR TO AND WHILE SEARCHING FOR THE GLORIOUS CREATURE WHOSE HUSBAND I BECOME AS A FITTING CLIMAX TO A CAREER SO UNCEASINGLY FRAUGHT WITH DANGER

The full force of these heart-stopping episodes is brought nearer and clearer to the reader who combines with the text the clever

I

Statement of the case, containing facts, figures, dates, and circumstances that constitute the reason for and the beginning of this history—my father’s demise; his legacy; some youthful happenings incident to the legacy, the possession of which was exceedingly difficult.

WHEN I was about five years of age, I was summoned, one morning, to the bedside of my father, where I learned that he was at the point of death from an accident.

I was one of fourteen children—the fourteenth; seven boys and seven girls, the girls and boys alternating until I was reached.

8I was very much surprised, upon entering the room in which he lay, to observe all the other members of the family leave, and close the door. This, I afterward learned, was by my father’s special direction. While I had been favored by him in many things, it had seemed to me I was the recipient of more chastisement than any of my brothers; and, yet, I must say I was indulged much beyond my deserts.

I had one serious fault—at least, it was so considered by the good old dames of the neighborhood, who prophesied all manner of evils should befall me, in magnitude from being hung to being torn asunder by wild beasts, through all the gradations of torture that may flit through the mind governed by superstition.

I presume I might as well make a clean breast of the matter, in order that the reader may not be misled into a false conception of the situation in which I was placed during my boyhood days, and say that I was known, throughout that particular community, as the “Prince of Liars”; in fact, it had been said, and often in my very hearing, that Truth and I were total strangers, with no possibility of an acquaintance springing up between us.

9Strange to say, my father never chastised me for failure to speak truly, and would, as I thought, look upon me with approval when I asserted as a fact something which could by no possible means have happened.

To continue the history.

My father motioned me to his side and handed me a package, saying:

“My son, here is a package which you must not open until your twenty-fifth birthday. Upon that day, you will open this package and read the instructions contained in it, and I ask you to follow those instructions closely. You must guard this package as you would guard your own safety and yield its possession to no one, not even for one moment.”

I took it, observing that it was very light of weight and seemed certainly not to be momentous, if considered from that point of view.

II

I here give further insight into my character for the delectation of the reader, recounting in precise and careful manner a short story concerning an experience that I had while waiting for the arrival of my twenty-fifth birthday.

I NEED not detail all the vicissitudes through which I passed before I reached that day of all days, my twenty-fifth birthday. I may simply say, that, owing to the fault above mentioned, I was thrown upon the world with such force that I hit it good and hard, after my father’s death, and that the world and I seemed to find nothing in which we were in perfect harmony. I speak of the talking world; for with Nature I never had the slightest trouble—she understood me and I understood her. But nobody had any faith in my word, notwithstanding I never promised to do a thing which was not done. That very trait of character saved me from starvation on several occasions, one of which I may mention.

I was out in the country, among the mountains, 11and an eagle was carrying away a little child. I was near at hand as the bird got its prey, and I was then about ten years of age. I had been practicing with a sling and was traveling alone the mountain road from house to house, having had nothing to eat for several days. I had just gone into the barnyard of this particular house, when the bird of prey swept down and I heard the cry of the child and its mother.

I ran to where she stood, wringing her hands and screaming.

“Do you want the child?” I asked.

She turned her tear-stained face upon me with a look of astonishment, undoubtedly produced by my question.

“Yes, yes!” she cried. “But he is lost!”

“No,” said I with the greatest calmness, “I will get him for you.”

The bird was now far up in the air. I slipped a pebble into my sling, whirled it about my head, and shot the missile upward.

It caught the eagle just behind the ear and stunned it so that it stiffened its wings and began to soar gently downward. I had intended merely to stun it, and now put another pebble in the 12sling, for use when I saw the bird was beginning to recover. I, of course, knew it would never do to kill the bird in the air, for then the force of the fall from that height would most certainly injure the child severely if it did not kill it outright.

As the eagle showed signs of returning to consciousness, I sent forth the other pebble upon its errand of mercy and hit him in exactly the same place, but upon the other side of his head. This changed his direction just sufficiently to bring him gradually back, until, at last, he settled softly down, leaving the child in the very spot from whence he had taken it. I rushed up and hit him a smart rap on the top of the head and victory was mine.

It was the telling of this story at other places where I applied for assistance that caused them to set the dogs upon me, to threaten to shoot me, or to burn me at the stake.

I mention this incident in my variegated career to show that the brain of the ordinary mortal is powerless to comprehend the abilities of some people.

III

I here chronicle the arrival of my twenty-fifth birthday and give the reader some little idea of my mode of life, retailing for his especial benefit the trouble I had in regaining possession of my treasure which I had hidden so carefully; informing him also of the manner in which my ingenuity came to my aid in getting at the contents of the box.

AT last my twenty-fifth birthday arrived, and I went into the woods to an old hollow tree in which there was a hole large enough for me to enter, and having ascertained, by careful inspection, that I was unobserved, I entered. Climbing up some twenty or thirty feet, I thrust my hand into the hollow of a limb which extended at right angle from the trunk, to get the package I had carefully placed there sometime before.

I felt my hand firmly grasped and a thick astonishment fell upon me, as I sought to ascertain the cause of the pain which I now felt tingling up my arm. I tugged and pulled and gradually 14began to withdraw my arm, bringing with it whatever it was that held it.

As I continued my exertions I soon saw two gleaming eyes.

This so frightened me that, for once in my long and eventful life, I lost my head, so to speak, and likewise my foothold, and should have fallen had I not been in the death-grip of some fearful monster.

I renewed my wiggling and twisting and jerking, by dint of which I continued slowly descending until I was opposite the opening through which I had entered, and out of this I struggled, drawing my enemy after me.

By getting a good purchase against the tree, I started the great serpent, as I now saw the thing to be, through the aperture.

He now ceased his reluctance to follow me, evidently being now determined to help matters along by coming out himself, and within an incredibly short space of time there was so much of him coiled upon the ground and around the tree that it was impossible for me even to estimate his enormous length.

But, behold my horror! For now he had coiled 15himself firmly, and while holding me some twenty or thirty feet from the ground was proceeding to draw me into his cavernous throat, in spite of my frenzied efforts to combat him.

My horror did not reach its climax until I found my head and shoulders surely entering the terrible maw.

It makes me all goose-fleshed to think of it—it was a terrible experience. Finally he had swallowed me, and I fell with a slippery thud to the point where his body was coiled upon the ground.

I was still vigorous and was struggling desperately; so much so that the serpent seemed to be suddenly filled with a great questioning as to whether he had not made a serious mistake.

In threshing around within this cave my hand struck something which I quickly ascertained to be the package I had sought. I hugged it tightly to my breast, for the moment forgetting my danger.

The air was becoming stifling, as you may well imagine, and I soon became desperate. I ran my hands through all my pockets, in a vain search for my knife which I had left somewhere. The only thing I found was a mouth-organ. I 16scratched the wall of his stomach with this most fiendishly, but it had no effect.

Thinking of another pocket upon the inside of my shirt, and it requiring the use of both hands to unbutton the shirt and get inside, I put the organ between my lips. I presume I was short of breath, for I had been quite busy, and in trying to get my breath I drew the air through the organ and made a note or two.

I was surprised to feel the actions of the monster at this moment, and I withdrew the organ from my mouth to observe them. As I did this, the action stopped.

I then blew the good old tune of “Yankee Doodle,” and the contortions of the snake were tremendous. He swayed and writhed and seemed to be catching my feet in a terrible grasp, and I soon became aware that I was being pushed rapidly upward by the contractions and expansions of the muscles of his body below me.

I had been conscious that the serpent had been all the while traveling, but I had not noticed in what direction, and when my head was projected from between his enormous jaws I saw the earth very far below me. I then observed that he was 17upon one of the tallest trees on the peak of a mountain and had extended himself into the air as far as he could above the tree top, his body, however, reaching almost to the ground.

I was therefore in a frightful dilemma; for, if he should spew me forth into the atmosphere, I should surely be killed by the fall. My natural ability to meet any emergency came at once to my rescue, and as I came forth I curved myself around his under lip and grasped his body firmly with both arms. His skin was slimy, and had it not been that he had wrapped himself around an immense tree in various directions, thus forming undulations which permitted me to slacken my speed at each depression, I should most likely have been crushed on striking the ground. As it was, I landed gracefully upon my feet.

As you can imagine, I was heartily glad of my escape from such a terrible death as had so lately confronted me, and happily pursued my way with my prize in my bosom.

I entered a secluded nook and prepared to open the package.

After removing the paper which formed the outer covering, I found a tin box, the lid of which 18had been carefully soldered down. As the reader already knows, I had lost or mislaid my knife and, therefore, had nothing with which to open the box. My disappointment was intense. It had become so hallowed an object I dared not crush it with a stone, which I refrained from doing upon that ground, and upon the further ground that I knew not its contents and feared to damage them by such an operation.

At this point I was attracted by a noise behind me in the woods. My curiosity overcame my disappointment and I hastened away to discover the cause of the disturbance.

In a little glen, I saw two monstrous stags engaged in battle. They rushed together with such force that the striking of their antlers caused streams of fire to fly forth. Though I stood quite near them, they were so intent upon each other’s destruction they observed not my presence.

As I viewed the combat, a happy thought struck upon my mind.

I was by nature very agile, and as the stags came together at the next onslaught I so held my box as to permit a stream of fire from their horns to fly upon the solder on one side of the 19lid, and so great was the heat therefrom that the solder quickly melted and ran upon the ground. By turning the other side and ends in quick succession, I soon left my angry friends, for such they had been to me, and betook myself to my retreat, with the lid in one hand and the box in the other.

I seated myself upon a log, which lay upon the edge of a precipice, as I now may state, although at the time so absorbed was I in solving the mystery I did not observe that fact.

The first thing I came to in the box was a sheet of paper, carefully folded so as to fit snugly therein. Just as I had withdrawn it, some insect, probably a wasp or a yellow-jacket, stung me so sharply upon the foot that I lifted that member with enough animation to throw myself backward from the log and over the precipice.

With an intention to stop my progress through the underbrush, I had loosened my hold upon the box and also upon the paper. I caught upon a root and held on, thus hanging suspended between heaven and earth. As I glanced about me, I saw the paper floating off upon a gust of wind, wending its way I knew not whither.

I gazed with longing eyes upon it. But my longing was superseded by determination as I remembered my bow and arrows, which I always carried with me.

Quickly adjusting a heavy arrow I sent the bolt speeding onward. I did not wish to tear the paper; for, in so doing, I might destroy the message it contained. In avoiding this I was favored by the great distance to which the paper had flown. I had given the arrow such a proper upward curve it came gently down upon the paper and carried it softly to earth by the pressure, only, of its own weight.

To extricate myself from my dilemma and recover the paper I set myself about, and it was soon accomplished; for, finding the root upon which I had lodged extended a great distance along the cliff, I had but to cut one end of it and climb down it as it hung suspended.

IIII

Showing how Dame Nature’s motherly attempts to thwart the proper impulses of a youth were of no avail in the instances under narration. Also giving various tidbits of history which will certainly interest the adventurous and energetic, illustrating how the truly ingenious is never at a loss for an expedient to carry him over the greatest obstacles.

ONCE more on solid footing, by the aid of my compass I laid out my course toward the paper.

I had not traveled to exceed two hours upon my journey, when I came upon a great river. As I had never learned to swim I was much put out for an instant, until I saw an enormous crocodile sleeping on the bank. With another of my arrows I despatched a rabbit, which I deftly skinned and spitted on the end of a long pole.

Securely seating myself upon the back of the sleeping Saurian, I gently twirled the carcass of the rabbit before his nostrils. He awoke with a start and threw open his terrific jaws to grasp the 22tempting morsel. But I was prepared for him and kept the bait in such position that in attempting to secure it he started into the water and safely carried me across to the other side, at which point I turned him around, threw the rabbit into the water, at the same time dismounting and hurrying on.

I had still several miles to go, but was worn with fatigue and would gladly have lain down for a rest, had not the remembrance of the precious document goaded me to press forward.

Again laying out my course—for I had varied it slightly in search of a good landing for my ship—I proceeded.

The pain of the poison deposited in my foot by the insect rapidly became so great that I was compelled to sit down and rest.

23I had traveled a great while, and was now overlooking the country from another precipice. It is impossible for me to describe my delight as by the aid of my magnificent field glass I was enabled to discover the paper with the arrow still resting upon it. It was yet at a great distance in a direct line and I should be compelled to travel around the mountain, or across its top, before I could reach it.

Looking about me in dismay, I discovered a huge log, many feet in diameter, upon which there was a thin, tough bark. In a short time I had a section of this bark removed and carried out into the sun. It being green I laid it with the curved side up, and when the warmth of the sun had made it flat and smooth, I pushed it to the edge of the precipice, and, by the aid of a long pole, launched it upon the air, myself sitting quietly in the center of it. I had provided a long, narrow strip of the same bark, which I now used as a rudder. By the aid of this simple contrivance, I sailed to the immediate spot of my treasure.

As I was directly above it, I adopted the tactics of the bird, turning my rudder over and depressing it, thus stopping my airship gently and quietly at the desired speed and at the desired spot.

24I said I landed quietly. This is not strictly true, and I have no intention to be inaccurate even in the slightest particular.

Perhaps I depressed my rudder too quickly, or perhaps I had misjudged the inclination of my aeroplane. However it was, I must have produced a gust of wind; for I saw the thing I so much sought making off at great speed.

I quickly tied two arrows together, not being able to resort to my former experiment as the paper was rising and at not sufficient distance. The force of the air had straightened it out and it was sailing away as I had sailed down. I still had no desire to injure the paper, and therefore took careful aim, with such exactness that the arrows met the paper in such fashion that it entered between them and was safely brought to earth.

Going to where it had fallen, what was my astonishment to discover that it had descended within the hollow stub of a tree. The hole into which it had gone was too small for me to enter and too deep for me to reach it with any pole that I could obtain.

I gazed about me for some means of getting it, 25for I had neither axe nor saw. I sat down on a stump to meditate, when I heard a noise beneath me. Upon investigation I found the stump was hollow, and by running my hand into it I brought forth a nice, fat squirrel. It then occurred to me that I was dreadfully hungry and was on the point of preparing it as a meal when I thought I might first obtain my document with it.

Securely fastening the squirrel to a long string I always carried with me, I climbed another tree into which I had noticed bees entering. I took a stick and ran it into the hole and by deftly turning it around and around I secured a quantity of delicious honey. With this I gave my squirrel a coat and carried him to the top of the stump, releasing him at the mouth of the hole, which he immediately entered with great alacrity. I had concluded that the hole became larger the farther down it went, and when he was down a sufficient distance I jerked the rope with such dexterity that I dislodged his hold, dropped him to the bottom of the hole and bounced him around there. When I withdrew him, which I did most painstakingly, yet with little trouble, as he was somewhat dazed and offered no resistance, I found 26the precious paper sticking to him. I removed it and placed it within my inside pocket with much satisfaction.