ACT I.

Scene. The Doctor's consulting room. Ground floor, 13 Marmalade Street, Pimlico. (See Scene Plot.)

(Aurora. the slavey, discovered laying out Doctor's letters lovingly on his writing table; she kisses each one as she lays it down—all are in blue envelopes.)

Aurora. They're all for 'im—the dear doctor. Won't 'e be pleased when 'e comes back and finds all this little lot! 'E went off quite sudden two days ago. Gone to see a patient, I expect, none ever comes 'ere, so 'e must go to them, (crosses L., looks in mirror) Oh, why was I born so rudely 'ealthy? (on sofa) I would like to be 'is patient. I'd a-bear anythin' with the dear doctor to see to me, 'e's got sich a sorft 'and. (jumps off sofa and stands C. looking at aunt's picture, curtseys) I wonder if she's 'is fancy? 'Er with the diamond combs. You ain't the only one, my lady, with diamond combs! I'll struggle with yer. (produces combs from her pocket) Tenpence a pair—in the Strand, (going to put them on, stops) No, I'll wait till 'e comes 'ome. They're all for 'im, the dear doctor—all for 'im! (end of sofa)

(Enter Tupper, a fat little page.)

Tupper. I say, Aurora. the missus is a'goin' to do the thing in style this afternoon, two fiddler blokes—an' a planner an' a programme o' the dances pinned up over the mantelpiece over 'ead. (picks up cigarette end off ash tray and smokes it)

Aurora (down C.) Lor, you don't say! An' printed invitations an' all. (takes card from mirror) 'Ark at this! "Mrs. O'Hara requests the honor of Doctor Sheppard'ss company—"

Tupper. 'E won't come back for that. I wish 'e would.

Aurora. Why not, Tupper? Where's 'e gone? (comes C.)

Tupper. Gie us a kiss, an' I'll tell yer.

Aurora. (moving away) A kiss! There's bloomin' cheek! I never did!

Tupper. (coming to her) Oh yes, you did—only larst Friday, an' it's Friday agin, an' what's more, it's Lady Day.

Aurora. (innocently) Is it, Tupper? Well, as it's Lady Day. (puts her cheek up, aside) It's all for 'im! (kiss Bus.) Now tell me.

Tupper. 'E's gorn to get married, (goes down r. puffing cigarette hard)

Aurora. (with concern) No, Tupper, don't say that! (changes her tone) I mean, 'ow do you know?

Tupper. (turning round) Gie us another, an' I'll tell yer!

Aurora. Go hon!

Tupper. I will when I got summat to go hon with. (comes to her)

Aurora. (impatiently) Oh, there, then! (kissed him—aside) They're all for 'im!

Tupper. Well, as you know, (gets on table) Aurora. the doctor's a wonderful gentle gentleman, as gentle as—well, there 'e is gentle!

Aurora. (more impatiently) I know that. I give you them kisses to tell me summat I don't know.

Tupper. Well, I'm goin' to. When 'e was packing to go away, 'e was that excited 'e couldn't 'ardly strap the bag.

Aurora. Well, what o' that? A gentleman can get excited without gettin' married, yer silly kid! (goes to steps)

Tupper. Ah, but 'e put on a new frock coat, an' a bran noo pair o' trarsers——

Aurora. The dear doctor! I'll bet 'e looked a toff! (start on steps)

Tupper. An' then 'e 'ad a brandy and soda—wot for? (up to couch)

Aurora. 'Cos 'e was thirsty, o' course, yer silly kite.

Tupper. Thirsty! It was to bring 'im up to the scratch!

Aurora. (aside) The scratch! My 'eart! My 'eart! (top of ladder)

Tupper. I bet my buttons 'e's enj'ying 'is 'oneymoon in 'is noo clothes, an' forgotten all abart me an' mine. (up stage R.)

Aurora. (curiously) Your noo clothes?

Tupper. Yes, I was loored into these under false pretences. When Mrs. O'Hara engaged me, she says she'd let orf 'er ground floor to a very risin' doctor.

Aurora. So 'e is! The day will come, 'e'll be the most risin'—(gesticulates with feather-duster, on steps, nearly falls)

Tupper. Do you want to 'ear abart my trarsers, or do you not? (sits on couch)

Aurora. Yes, Tupper, o' course I do—get 'em orf yer chest.

Tupper. Well, Mrs. O'Hara, she sez, 'e'll find yer in clothes, she sez, an' think of all the gratooities——

Aurora. Great—who?

Tupper. Gratooities from grateful patients—shillins an' 'arf-crowns, she sez. Well, we been at it three months to-day—

Aurora. (sadly) An' not a blessed patient 'as called yet. (comes down)

Tupper. No, but the tailor's called, lots o' times, an' larst time 'e was very cross—said 'e'd 'ave these clothes orf me if they wasn't paid for Lady Day. (crosses to R. of table)

Aurora. Oh! the person! Never mind; the day will come.

Tupper. The day 'as come! (takes up pile of letters)

Aurora. Well, never mind, look at all these—all from lady patients, (sits in Doctor's chair, puts on his eye-glasses)

Tupper. (laughing) Lady patients! Why, they're bills. That's the butcher, (puts it down) An' that's the chemist.

Aurora. Oh! 'e can read!

Tupper. (puts it down) I know 'em all! (reads) "Cummerbund and Co., Tailors." Oh lor! That's me! (drops the pack suddenly) I call it downright selfish of the doctor to go away and never think of me. (produces crumpled telegram from pocket) Oh, I forgot, this is for you! (hands it to her)

Aurora. Silly kid!

Tupper. Who's it from? Your young man? (reads wire over Aurora's shoulder)

Aurora. (opening it) 'Arf a mo'! It's from the dear Doctor. (aside) I'd know 'is 'and writing anywheres, it's sich a sorft 'and. (reads word for word) "Expect — me — back — at — half — past — four — and —: please — have — my — tea — ready."

Tupper. (counts words on his fingers—sadly) There's extravagance. Blues a tenpence on a telegram, an' my clothes owin' for.

Aurora (aside) 'Ave 'is tea ready! That I will! As if I wouldn't 'ave it ready whenever 'e comes, bless 'im! (stuffs telegram in bosom, then fusses about room, putting things straight, starts scouring bureau)

Tupper. (watching her) I believe you're in love with the "Dear Doctor." (picks another fag end off ash-tray and lies on couch smoking it)

Aurora. Oh, go smoke! Little boys should be seen and not heard!

Tupper. Well, any'ow yer always tidyin' up 'is things an' neglectin' the missus, an' yer only 'arf 'is, yer know.

(Front door bell rings.)

Aurora. (snatches ladder quickly and goes to the door, saying to herself) 'Arf 'is, indeed! No! It's all for 'im—all for 'im!

(Exit Aurora. L. U. E.)

Tupper. (laughs) That's sure to be for the missus. She 'as lots o' callers. She's a widder. If I was a woman, I'd be a widder. (jumps off couch) Oh lor, if it's the tailor, (crosses to fire, stands back to it, legs apart) I wouldn't mind so much, only I sold my old clothes to 'ave a bit on a dead cert, wot didn't come orf—dead certs never do—I wish my clothes was a dead cert.

(Enter Aurora. followed by Pearl. then Ruby. then Plant. in single file. Tupper works behind arm-chair and gets up stage and puts out cigarette)

Aurora. (aside) Our fust! (fussily shaking sofa cushions, standing behind sofa) Take your seats, please! (motions girls to sit)

(Ruby sits r. of Pearl.)

Make yourselves quite at home—and don't be frightened.

(Girls turn round and stare at her.)

'E'll treat yer kindly—'e's got sich a sorft 'and! (soothingly to Ruby) Would yer like a cup o' tea, miss, to buck yer up? Ruby. No, thank you.

Aurora. (to Ruby) Oh, the doctor allus gives 'is ladies tea.

(Tupper, sitting on couch, bursts out laughing and shoves his handkerchief in his mouth.)

Pearl. No, thank you.

Plant. (looking round) Is the doctor out?

Aurora. (bustling about dusting) Yes, sir.

(Girls rise.)

—But 'e'll be back at 'arf past, if the ladies'll kindly wait.

(Girls sit.)

'E's been called orf to see a lady who couldn't wait.

(Tupper same Bus.—Aurora goes to him.)

Plant. (coughs.) Ahem! That will do. (aside) Fancy setting up for a ladies' doctor in Pimlico! How can he earn bread and butter in Marmalade Street. No. 13, too!

Aurora. (to Tupper) 'Old yer row! They're lady patients. 'Appy girls! I wonder what they've got?

Tupper. Nuffiin'. They're a bit off all right! (laughs)

Aurora. (sadly) Are they, Tupper? Then why do they come 'ere?

Plant. (aside) What has he done to deserve a rich aunt who has instructed me to draw up a deed settling a thousand a year on him? It's disgusting! (sits, head on hand)

Tupper. (sees Plant. head on hand—aside to Aurora) Oh, p'raps it's 'im! (comes to him) Anythin' wrong with yer 'ead? (touches his hair)

(Girls laugh—Plant looks dumbfounded.)

Aurora. The doctor's wonderful clever for 'eads. (same Bus.)

Plant. Don't do that!

Tupper. Yus, 'e cured mine in a jiffy. I rekkemmend 'im to all my friends.

Plant. Ah, then I presume Doctor Sheppard has a large practice.

Aurora. (cheerily) Oh yes, sir, 'e's allus practisin'—'e practised all larst week on the milkman's baby. It 'ad the direfearier, sir, in its throat, and the doctor was afraid the cows'd catch it and spile the milk. 'E stopped up all night for a week nussin' that baby. (goes on scouring bureau)

Tupper. Oh, he's a wonderful gentle gentleman, is the doctor.

Plant. (aside) A "Gentle Sheppard?" Just what his rich aunt hopes to find him. I must get a word with Ruby.

Ruby. (to Tupper) Ah, you hear what his grateful patients think of him.

Tupper. (comes down) Grateful patients? (shakes head sadly) No, miss, not yet.

Plant. You carry the medicine round, don't you?

Tupper. No, sir, not yet.

Pearl. But you're the doctor's boy, aren't you?

Tupper. No, miss, not yet—only 'arf of me, the other 'arf belongs upstairs. You see, the doctor ends orf where the stair-carpets begin; 'e shares me with the missus—an' 'e shares the gal too.

Plant. (rises, coughs) Ahem! That will do! Is the room always so full of smoke?

Aurora. (coming to him quickly) Oh yes, sir, wuss generally, (flaps wet flannel in his face) The doctor's a wonderful gentleman for smoke, 'e lies on that couch smokin' all day long, an' read in' this 'ere book, (fetches it) You look at it. (comes down C.)

(Girls go up to her,)

You can't make 'ead nor tail of it, 'cep' the pictures, an' they is—well, there!

Plant. Ahem! That will do! (takes it from her before his daughters see it) What are the doctor's hours?

Aurora. I dunno, sir—all hours. Sometimes out all day. Sometimes don't come home all night——

Plant. Ahem! That will do!

Tupper. Wednesday 'e went out, an' ain't back yet

Ruby. Two days ago? That lady's case must be serious! (comes to back of sofa and sits L. end)

Aurora. It is serious, miss, I tell yer. (confidentially) It's a case of——

Plant. (yells in her ear) Ahem! That will do!

Aurora. Sorry I spoke!

Plant. Very unusual for smoke to hang about for forty-eight hours.

Tupper. Oh,that's nothin', sir. 'E's wonderful unusual in 'is 'abits.

Aurora. 'As a biled egg for 'is dinner orfen. (to Ruby)

Ruby. (to Pearl) Poor fellow! He must be starving!

(Tupper looks admiringly at Ruby. and goes to fire, stands back to it, legs apart.)

Plant., (aside) "Poor fellow!" He'll be rich enough before the day's out. It's hard not to tell one's own daughter—but I mustn't betray a professional confidence.

Tupper. (aside) Fine gels! (to Ruby) 'E'll be wonderful glad to see you, Miss.

Ruby. How do you know?

Tupper. 'Cos 'e's settin' up as a ladies' Doctor. miss, an' you're the fust callers we've ever 'ad. (aside) Bar the tailor.

Ruby. The first? (to Pearl) He is starving!

Aurora. Oh, 'e'll cure yer, whatever yer got. (crosses to Plant) He's wonderful clever. 'E'd see through you, sir, weskit an' all. 'E don't hax no hex rays to tell 'im. (to Ruby) 'E knows all what's goin' on in yer innards——

Plant. Ahem! That will do. Er—no doubt, no doubt.

Tupper. No bloomin' doubt, sir. (going to him) But I do 'ope you'll pay afore leavin'—'cos it's Lady Day, an these 'ere clothes ain't paid for yet—an' if they ain't—they're a-comin' orf.

Plant. That'll do! We don't want to hear any fairy tales.

Tupper. (sadly) There ain't no tails about these 'ere. (looking at his jacket) It's a norrible fac'!

Plant. You can go—(to Tupper) both of you. (to Aurora)

Aurora. (having fetched pail—to Tupper) Come aw'y, you talk too much. I'm the doctor's local demon when 'e's aw'y.

(Exeunt Tupper and Aurora.)

Plant. Nice sort of servants for a doctor to have. (puts book on couch)

Pearl. (to Ruby. who is reading a letter) Who's that from?

Ruby. Lieutenant Merry!

Pearl. Oh, let me read it!

(They read it together.)

Plant. (aside) A thousand a year for an unbusinesslike young fool, and here am I, her own cousin's husband, and she's never given me a penny, except what I've borrowed. (Bus. with pocket hairbrush, mirror at back) I did think my chance had come when she sent for me to Cumberland. I got the hair-dresser to touch out all the grey ones, thinking I might fetch the old girl, but as soon as she saw me she was very rude, called me a fright, and began asking some damned awkward questions about my late wife's trust money. Just my luck! (sits at writing table)

Pearl. (reading from letter which Ruby holds) "And, my darling Ruby—if your father dies"—there's not much "if" about it. He does. (taps her hair) I've seen the bottle.

(Both giggle.)

Plant. (aside, looking in pocket mirror) So I took the next train back to Southsea, and romped my daughters up to town. If Ruby can only hook the doctor before the aunt arrives, I'm saved—if she can't—I'm—ahem!

Ruby. (aside to Pearl) And only think, Pearl. when he's an Admiral, I shall be Lady Merry—perhaps a Duchess!

Pearl. But, father——

Ruby. Oh, he'll be delighted. We're keeping it as a surprise for his birthday.

Pearl. He'll be 63 next birthday—he looks more like 36.

(Both laugh.)

Plant. (to them) Stop that silly giggling! (crosses over to the two, sends Pearl across to table) Go and sit over there. Ruby. my precious jewel, I have something very solemn to say while we are waiting to see the doctor.

Ruby. (jumping up, excitedly) Pa, don't say you've brought us for the doctor to sound us.

Pearl. (quietly, sitting still) He shan't sound me!

Plant. On the contrary, I've brought you to sound the doctor, (pulls Ruby down again and sits r. of her on couch)

Ruby. (excitedly) What about?

Plant. You are aware that although we are strangers to Doctor Sheppard, he is our cousin.

Ruby. Second cousin, pa!

Pearl. On mother's side.

Ruby. Three times removed.

Plant. Well, well, let us hope he won't be so far removed in the future. I regret very deeply that we have never yet enjoyed the friendship of—er—dear cousin Jack.

Pearl. You have frequently remarked, it was not worth while to cultivate any of our poor relations.

Plant. (hotly) Do you want your pocket money stopped? The fact is. Pearl. you're bringing my grey hairs——(stroking his black locks)

Pearl. (quietly) Your what?

Plant. (jumping up) I stop your pocket money for a month! Ooh! (puts his hand to his back) This lumbago is unbearable. When a man gets to my time of life——

Pearl. (quietly) What time is it now?

Plant. (hotly) I stop your pocket money for three months!

Pearl. (rises) Really, father, a solicitor should be more cautious. I meant to say the time is getting on, (points to clock and crosses to couch—stands behind Ruby) and you have not yet informed us of the "very solemn" something you have to say.

Plant. I accept your explanation—without prejudice. (stands R. of couch) I say when a man gets to my time of life—the future happiness of his offspring becomes an all-engrossing theme. You are aware that when exalted personages contemplate a matrimonial alliance, they neyer look outside the family. Living as we do, in so fashionable a resort as Southsea, we cannot be too —er—"tony" in such important matters. Now you are both—as I know, being your father—heart-free.

(Pearl digs Ruby hard in the ribs.)

Ruby. (crying out) Oh!

Plant. How dare you interrupt me!

Ruby. I didn't, pa, it was——

Pearl. Sneak! (pinching her arm) Ruby. It was nothing!

(Pearl sits in big armchair.)

(aside to Pearl) Little cat!

Plant. I accept your explanation, without prejudice. You have heard from that stupid Buttons what a noble character the doctor bears, and no man is a hero to his—his Buttons. The one thing the doctor wants is a wife.

Pearl. To look after his buttons?

Plant. Silence, miss! And you, my dear Ruby, my favourite, I mean my first-born, have all the qualifications for a doctor's wife.

Ruby. A doctor's wife? (looks at Pearl)

Plant. It has always been the dream of my life to see you united in matrimony to dear Jack.

Ruby. Cheap Jack! He hasn't a penny!

Plant. Oh hasn't he?—er—(aside) Nearly let it out that time, (to her) I mean should he be clever enough to win my Ruby. my Ruby mine—er—this afternoon, he will be rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Alas, I have no dowry to give you, save the blessing of your dear old—your dear fond, fond father, (kisses her forehead) But only obey me in this, and Lady Fortune will smile on us all—smile—smile.

Ruby. (bursts into tears) I can't smile—I won't! (turns to Pearl)

Pearl. (comes to meet her—aside to her) Of course you won't—I'll get you out of it.

Plant. (angrily) Stop that silly crying. He'll be in soon, and you look a perfect fright with your eyes all red. You've never obeyed me in your life—either of you—but I've made up my mind this time, and damme—I'll make you obey me. I swear that dear cousin Jack shall be my son-in-law. (crosses C.)

Pearl. (going quietly to him, standing between him and Ruby) If such is your determination, I will sacrifice myself.

Plant. (contemptuously) You!

Ruby. (rushing to Pearl) You shan't!

Pearl. I will—what is it after all? Marriages aren't made in heaven now-a-days.

Ruby. No, no, Pearl. you're too good. I'd rather marry him myself.

Pearl. You can't—you know you can't—you're engaged.

Ruby. Sneak! (pinches her arm)

(Pearl howls.)

Plant. (shouts) Stop quarrelling! Such rivalry between sisters is most unseemly. What do I dress you alike for?

Pearl. To save expense.

Plant. No, miss, to save jealousy, and I'll have no Jealousy about this. Settle it amicably between you, (aside, crosses to R.) Good idea! They'll go it faster without me. I'll leave 'em alone with him. (aloud) Dear, dear, I've forgotten something I particularly want to show Jack. I'll step over to our apartments——

Ruby. Pa, you can't leave us alone in a bachelor's room!

Plant. Hang it, you're cousins, and you're two to one. Now, remember, one of you two must marry Jack—that's my last word, and you know my word, like my profession, is law!

(Exit Plant.)

Pearl. We've got a nice thing in fathers, (looking out of window) He's brought us up to London to put us on the market

Ruby. Yes, and by a cheap excursion. (goes L.)

Pearl. Now we know why we've come to encamp just across the street—it's to lay siege to a penniless cousin. (picks up "Quayle on Muscles" off couch, takes it to table)

Ruby. (at small table up stage L., opens case, shrieks) Ach! knives!

Pearl. (looks up from book) You wouldn't do for a doctor's wife, whatever Pa says, (looks at picture) Besides, you're not free, but I am. (sadly)

Ruby. Pearl. there's Waverly! (coming to her, looking over her shoulder at picture)

Pearl. Yes, there's Waverly, but he's (turns to next picture) most disappointing. He's been staying at Southsea with Lieutenant Merry for a whole week, (turns page) and father's been away the whole time. (turns page) And I've given him every possible encouragement. (looks at picture) At least, of course I didn't go so far as you did with Lieutenant Merry. You were—simply—(turns page)

Ruby. (looking at picture) Shocking! (shuts book and puts it back on couch)

Pearl. Yes, you were! (laughs)

Ruby. How dare you! I never gave Andrew the slightest encouragement, (sits on sofa)

Pearl. My dear Ruby. I judge by results. He proposed to you the second day. (comes and sits by her on sofa)

Ruby. What about you? You let Waverly kiss you.

Pearl. Only once—just there; (touches her cheek) and that was after a dance, which doesn't count. No, I've gone as far with Mr. Vane as any girl, who isn't a born flirt, (pointedly looking at Ruby) can go, and he's said nothing—yet So I'm going to get father to invite Doctor Sheppard down to Southsea, and I'll flirt desperately with him.