PIRATES

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

BY

COLIN CAMPBELL CLEMENTS

Copyright, 1922, by Samuel French

Amateurs may perform this play without payment of royalty. All other rights reserved.

New York SAMUEL FRENCH (Incorporated 1898) Publisher

London Samuel French, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street Strand

[Pg 3]

PIRATES

CHARACTERS

Mrs. Warren Betty Mrs. Lawty Mrs. Romney Mrs. Pickering Mrs. Lawer Clara

The play takes place in Mrs. Warren's little living room during the early Victorian period. At the left is a door leading to another part of the house. A door at the back opens into the entrance hall. As the curtain rises, Mrs. Warren, seated in a large chair, is talking to her maid, Clara.

Mrs. Warren. Gossip is malicious, my dear girl, positively malicious. Doesn't the Bible say—(The knocker sounds.) There, isn't that the door? (Clara starts to go.) Oh, Clara, before you open the door, be sure and dust off the table in the hall and——

(Clara goes out. Mrs. Warren arranges her dress and the little lace cap on her head.)

Clara. (From the door) It's Mrs. Lawty, ma'am.

Mrs. Warren. Oh, the dear soul! Have her come right in—right in, Clara.

[Pg 4]

(Clara goes out. Mrs. Lawty enters.)

Mrs. Lawty. Good afternoon—good afternoon, Mrs. Warren.

Mrs. Warren. Good afternoon, my dear. Do sit down, Mrs. Lawty—do sit down.

Mrs. Lawty. Oh, thank you. I have just dropped in for a moment. I am on my way to the meeting of the "Helping Hand Society," and as I had to pass this way I just came in to see how you were. I hope I am not interrupting any work you may be doing, my dear.

Mrs. Warren. Oh, dear, no. I was just giving my maid a little lecture ... on gossip.

Mrs. Lawty. Gossip?

Mrs. Warren. It is so malicious.

Mrs. Lawty. Positively unladylike! One could almost compare a lady who gossips to a ... to a pirate.

Mrs. Warren. A what, Mrs. Lawty?

Mrs. Lawty. A pirate. They are sort of wild thieves, you know, and steal things from perfectly innocent people, Mrs. Warren. The South Sea Islands are full of them ... pirates, I mean. Why, I read in our missionary paper, just last week, that one poor man was overtaken by pirates who took away his watch and, I hesitate to say it, his trousers!

Mrs. Warren. His trousers! Dreadful!

Mrs. Lawty. The rest of the story is too indelicate to repeat.

Mrs. Warren. Yes ... yes, some things are often better left unsaid. (Pause.) But one need never be ashamed to speak the truth. What is the rest of the story, Mrs. Lawty?

Mrs. Lawty. The poor man was forced to come into port with a bad cold in his head ... and in his pajamas!

[Pg 5]

Mrs. Warren. Oh!

Mrs. Lawty. And that is why I call a woman who gossips a pirate.

Mrs. Warren. Yes ... yes. Though one can hardly think of any woman unlawfully taking a poor gentleman's trousers.

Mrs. Lawty. Hardly. But to steal one's good name is to take one's cloak of righteousness, so to speak. And, oh, my dear, few people can face the world without it. The soul is so much more important than the body.

Mrs. Warren. One should keep both properly clothed.

Mrs. Lawty. Yes ... though on the South Sea Islands the people wear nothing but grass skirts.

Mrs. Warren. One could hardly do that in England.

Mrs. Lawty. Oh, but the people there, in the South Seas, are like little children ... pure of mind. And so it is one of the very first rules of the "Helping Hand Society" that no gossip shall pass our lips.

Mrs. Warren. Such a worthy organization. I am sure the ladies of Northampton are doing a noble work.

Mrs. Lawty. Oh, yes, indeed, Mrs. Warren. Why, only last week we sent off a large box of soap to the natives of East Africa and now we are getting a box of napkins and tablecloths ready. We are doing such splendid work for our less fortunate brothers and sisters in a far land.

Mrs. Warren. Brothers and sisters! One hardly feels that way toward them, Mrs. Lawty. I am told they are quite black.

Mrs. Lawty. Nevertheless they are Gaud's creatures.

Mrs. Warren. My dear, I shall have Clara make[Pg 6] you a hot cup of tea. It will rest you. (She calls) Clara ... Clara!

Mrs. Lawty. Oh, no, thank you ... really. I mustn't stop. I always like to get to the society meetings early ... otherwise one misses so much that is interesting. (She rises.)

(Clara appears.)

Mrs. Warren. Never mind, Clara. (Clara starts to go.) Oh, Clara, Clara——

Clara. Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Warren. Clara, will you put the water on to boil? And make the tea rather strong ... but not too strong ... just so.

Clara. Yes, ma'am. (She goes out.)

Mrs. Lawty. By the way, have you met the new doctor and his wife, Mrs. Warren?

Mrs. Warren. Yes, I have called on Mrs. Hunter.

Mrs. Lawty. (She sits down again) Oh, really? How interesting.

Mrs. Warren. But, of course, Betty knows both of them. I must call on Mrs. Hunter again. But I get out so seldom now ... so seldom. I am so afraid to walk on the new ... pavement, I believe they call it. Betty is very fond of them both ... the Hunters, I mean.

Mrs. Lawty. Quite ... though Mrs. Romney told Mrs. Pickering who told me that the Hunters did not get along well together. It seems she is a Church of England woman while the doctor is the son of a Scotch Presbyterian, so of course——

Mrs. Warren. Though I believe they have been married all of five or six years.

Mrs. Lawty. Oh, really, I did not know that. How interesting! I must tell Mrs. Romney. But[Pg 7] Mrs. Lawer told me that the doctor calls Mrs. Hunter "Dearest" ... in public!

Mrs. Warren. Such poor taste.

Mrs. Lawty. I always suspect a man who is over-demonstrative ... in public.

Mrs. Warren. But of course one——

(Betty comes running in, her arms full of daisies.)

Betty. Mother dear—— Oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Lawty. See the wonderful flowers Doctor Hunter just gave me.

Mrs. Warren. Doctor Hunter gave you those?

Mrs. Lawty. Doctor Hunter!

Betty. Yes, his garden is full of them! Aren't they beauties?

Mrs. Warren. But you hardly know him well enough to——

Betty. You see we are getting acquainted. He was on his way to see Mrs. Hallway and——

Mrs. Lawty. Is she ill again?

Betty. Rheumatism ... not really serious.

Mrs. Lawty. Oh, really?

Betty. And as the doctor was coming this way, he walked to the gate with me ... we had a lovely chat. Doctor Hunter is such an interesting conversationalist.

Mrs. Lawty. (Coldly) Walking! Hasn't he a carriage?

Betty. Oh, yes, but it is such a wonderful day for walking.

Mrs. Lawty. I daresay that all depends upon with whom one is walking.

Mrs. Warren. Betty, you don't really mean to tell me that you walked ... walked down a public highway with a strange man!

[Pg 8]

Betty. Why, Mother, he isn't a strange man. I know both Doctor and Mrs. Hunter.

Mrs. Warren. But such a short acquaintance ... and to be walking with him ... walking with him in broad daylight.

Betty. What would you have me do? Walk with him after dark?

Mrs. Warren. Oh!

Mrs. Lawty. (When she recovers her breath) I—I really must be going, Mrs. Warren. I must not be late to the meeting, you know. (She pauses.) And perhaps you would rather be alone with your daughter at this time. (She rises.) Good afternoon, Mrs. Warren. Good afternoon.

Mrs. Warren. Good afternoon, Mrs. Lawty.

Betty. Good-bye.

(Mrs. Lawty goes out. Mrs. Warren waits until the front door slams before she speaks.)

Mrs. Warren. (Much concerned) Betty, how could you?

Betty. But, Mother——

Mrs. Warren. Walking with a man, a man who is married and not on the best terms with his wife, accepting flowers from him, a Presbyterian, unchaperoned. Oh! It is so unbecoming ... so—so unladylike, not to say indiscreet. Oh! Why, when I was a girl——

Betty. I know. (She goes close to her mother.) But things have changed so since then, dear.

Mrs. Warren. Not in Northampton, thank heaven. Here, at least, we still keep some of the old propriety. Oh, Betty, this bold indiscretion of yours would have killed your poor, dear father!

Betty. (Turning away) Perhaps that's what did ... too much propriety.

[Pg 9]

Mrs. Warren. Did you say something, Betty?

Betty. I am sorry, dear ... truly sorry if I have caused you any anxiety.

Mrs. Warren. We must cultivate the doctor's wife at once. There must be no room for gossip among the ladies of Northampton.

Betty. Cultivate Mrs. Hunter? Oh, I would love to. She is a delightful person. Don't you like her, Mother?

Mrs. Warren. She seems very nice, but, of course, one must be very careful about strangers.

Betty. She is very fond of outdoor life, and all that sort of thing. Oh, she is a regular sport!

Mrs. Warren. Betty! Let me never hear such a remark from you again. Sport! Am I to understand, then ... am I to understand that Mrs. Hunter is one of those dreadful mannish sort of persons who—— (The knocker sounds.) Oh, dear me! I wonder who that can be?

Betty. If you don't mind, Mother, I shall go up to my room. I want to do a water-color sketch of these flowers while they are still fresh.

Mrs. Warren. Stop here a bit, Betty.

(Clara enters from the hall.)

Clara. It is Mrs. Romney, ma'am.

Mrs. Warren. Oh, do have her come right in, Clara ... and Clara, serve the tea at once. (Clara goes out.) Mrs. Romney—oh, dear ... such a bombastic sort of a person, so to speak.

Betty. She was educated in London, you know.

Mrs. Warren. Yes, poor dear, she has so much to live down. It must be dreadful to have been educated in London ... such a naughty place. Think of the dreadful environment, my dear, London!

(Mrs. Romney enters.)

[Pg 10]

Mrs. Romney. Good afternoon, Mrs. Warren. How do you do, Betty, dear?

Mrs. Warren. Do sit down, Mrs. Romney.

Mrs. Romney. Did I hear you speaking of London as I came in, Mrs. Warren?

Mrs. Warren. London? Speaking of London? Were we speaking of London, Betty? Yes, I believe I did say——

Mrs. Romney. Dear old London ... how I long for it!

Mrs. Warren. But my dear Mrs. Romney, London surely hasn't the ... the refinement of Northampton.

Mrs. Romney. Northampton! Ah! Why, this place is as far from the world as ... as the South Sea Islands!

Mrs. Warren. Mrs. Romney, how—how can you even think such a thing? Why, in the South Sea Islands, I am told, the people wear nothing but straw skirts ... and pirates, pirates take things—unmentionable things from innocent travelers. One could not accuse the people of Northampton of such things. Even our shop-keepers are gentlemen compared to those dreadful people who live in the South Seas.

Mrs. Romney. The people of the South Sea Islands are at least—interesting.

Mrs. Warren. Perfect savages!

Mrs. Romney. But, my dear, all our forefathers were savages, you know ... hitting each other over the head with clubs, hanging from palm trees by their tails, and all that sort of thing.

Mrs. Warren. Oh, dear!

Mrs. Romney. And the longer I live in Northampton, my dear, the more I'm convinced that it wasn't so very many generations ago, either.

Mrs. Warren. Oh ... oh ... oh! Betty, you[Pg 11] may go! You will excuse the dear child, I am sure. She has duties to perform which——

Mrs. Romney. Oh, yes, certainly.

Betty. (She rises and collects her flowers) Good afternoon, Mrs. Romney. Shall I see you at Mrs. Hunter's tea Thursday?

Mrs. Romney. Yes, dear, charmed.

Betty. Good-bye.

(Mrs. Romney bows. Betty goes out left. Clara enters with the tea things.)

Mrs. Warren. You will have a cup of tea, Mrs. Romney?

Mrs. Romney. Yes, thank you so much. So refreshing, nothing like tea for nerves, is there, really? Half a cup ... I have just come from Mrs. Hunter's. Both cream and sugar, yes, thank you so much. Such a charming lady, Mrs. Hunter ... perfectly charming, my dear, perfectly charming. So witty, so clever, so vivacious ... but dreadfully jealous.

Mrs. Warren. Jealous? Jealous of whom?

Mrs. Romney. She is very fond of her husband.

Mrs. Warren. (Nervously) Of whom ... of whom is she jealous?

Mrs. Romney. No one in particular, at present, I think.

Mrs. Warren. (With a sigh of relief) Oh——

Mrs. Romney. That is ... oh, is there any cause for her being jealous of any particular person, Mrs. Warren?

Mrs. Warren. (Choking on her tea) Eh? No ... no ... not that I know of.

Mrs. Romney. How uninteresting. The doctor is such a charming gentleman. Dear me, I do hope I will have another attack of indigestion, or some[Pg 12]thing of that sort soon. I am sure Doctor Hunter would be such a splendid physician ... he is so good looking. (She puts down her teacup.) Dear me, I must be going. I am on my way to the meeting of the "Helping Hand Society" and——

Mrs. Warren. Yes, Mrs. Lawty has just gone. She dropped in to see me for a moment.

Mrs. Romney. Mrs. Lawty ... that one? I'm not speaking to her.

Mrs. Warren. Oh, dear, you ... you don't really mean you have quarrelled? So unladylike.

Mrs. Romney. Ladylike ... ladylike? Ladylike be damned!

Mrs. Warren. (Almost jumping out of her chair) Mrs. Romney!

Mrs. Romney. Mrs. Warren, I beg your pardon. I forgot, for a moment, to whom I was speaking.

Mrs. Warren. That was quite evident.

Mrs. Romney. Quite. But you see, Mrs. Lawty told Mrs. Pickering, who told Mrs. Lawer, who told Lady Bloshire, whose maid told my maid, that Mrs. Lawty said that I dyed my hair ... dyed my hair!

Mrs. Warren. Really?

Mrs. Romney. I've never dyed my hair. The impertinent gossip. The——

Mrs. Warren. (Quickly) Do have another cup of tea, Mrs. Romney. It is so soothing.

Mrs. Romney. Oh, thank you. Just a little sugar, please, and no cream.

Mrs. Warren. (Giving her the tea) There, my dear.

Mrs. Romney. Lovely color, isn't it?

Mrs. Warren. Yes, isn't it? Mr. Warren, dear man, once told me that the natives of India use tea for dyeing.

Mrs. Romney. Hair?

[Pg 13]

Mrs. Warren. No ... no ... cloth, I believe, cloth.

Mrs. Romney. Oh, how interesting!

Mrs. Warren. I believe they use the henna berry for dyeing hair in the East. I am told it gives a beautiful soft auburn shade.

Mrs. Romney. How interesting. Does one procure it from one's pharmacist?

Mrs. Warren. Eh? Oh, yes, I believe so.

Mrs. Romney. I must try it on my hair—oh, dear, I mean——

Mrs. Warren. What did you say, Mrs. Romney?

Mrs. Romney. I said—I really must be going, my dear. One never seems to realize how fast the time goes when one talks with you. Our little visit has been most interesting ... and most instructive. I do want to stop in for a moment and see Mrs. Hallway before I go to the meeting of the "Helping Hand." Her rheumatism is worse again, poor dear.

Mrs. Warren. Yes, so I heard. I'm so sorry.

Mrs. Romney. Oh, it is not at all serious, just a touch, I believe. Of course she did call in Doctor Hunter. But I really believe it was simply to get acquainted with him more than anything else. (She starts.) Do drop in and see me when you can. Good afternoon, Mrs. Warren. (She goes out.)

(Clara enters.)

Clara. Shall I take away the tea things, ma'am?

Mrs. Warren. No ... no, not just yet, Clara. Someone else may drop in, you know, and perhaps Betty would like a cup of tea.

Clara. Shall I call her, ma'am?

Mrs. Warren. Yes, I believe you had bet[Pg 14]—— (The knocker sounds.) There, there, see who that is, Clara.

(Clara goes into the hall. She returns immediately.)

Clara. It's Mrs. Pickering, ma'am.

Mrs. Warren. Have her come right in, Clara.

Clara. Shall I call Miss Betty, ma'am?

Mrs. Warren. Yes, do have her come down and have a cup of tea.

(Clara goes out. Mrs. Pickering enters.)

Mrs. Pickering. How do you do, Mrs. Warren?

Mrs. Warren. Oh, good afternoon. Do sit down, Mrs. Pickering.

Mrs. Pickering. Oh ... my dear Mrs. Warren, I am so glad to see you looking so well. I thought perhaps—of course there is much sickness in Northampton now. (She sits down.) Much sickness. (Pause.) I just met Mrs. Lawty and she told me that Mrs. Hallway is almost dead with rheumatism ... almost dead. In fact, I think they hardly expect her to live much longer. Of course, Mrs. Lawty didn't say so, but I implied as much from the tone of her voice.

Mrs. Warren. I heard it was nothing really serious.

Mrs. Pickering. Oh, dear, yes ... very serious. I just had it from Mrs. Lawty, who had it from ... from ... from a most reliable source. Rheumatism is such a painful death, too. Oh, dear, poor soul ... poor soul! (Mrs. Warren hands her a cup of tea.) Thank you so much.

Mrs. Warren. I believe the new Doctor Hunter is attending her.

Mrs. Pickering. Yes, isn't it too bad? Mrs.[Pg 15] Lawty tells me he is a conversationalist, or something dreadful of that sort. But of course he was educated in London ... and, my dear, London's standard of morals is not the same as Northampton's. I was also told that he treats his wife very badly in public, my dear, in public.

Mrs. Warren. You mean——

Mrs. Pickering. My dear Mrs. Warren, I am very sorry to tell you ... but I feel that it is my duty, as wife of your pastor ... to tell you that your daughter Betty has been seen very often,—that is, at least once—walking with this Doctor Hunter. Also, my dear Mrs. Warren, she accepts presents from him ... flowers and that sort of thing.

Mrs. Warren. Why, Betty hardly knows him!

Mrs. Pickering. That is just it. She hardly knows him ... nor do any of us. Also remember he is a married man, my dear Mrs. Warren, and very good looking ... and I really believe all good-looking people are bad, thoroughly bad.

Mrs. Warren. I can't believe that Betty——

Mrs. Pickering. Naturally, my dear, naturally; you are her mother and wish to shield her. But I felt that it was, as I said before, my duty to tell you all I know of the facts of the whole matter.

Mrs. Warren. You quite alarm me, Mrs. Pickering.

Mrs. Pickering. Young girls, nowadays, are sometimes ... I might say, sometimes indiscreet.

Mrs. Warren. Oh!

Mrs. Pickering. My dear, men are strange beings. Oh, the poor souls that have been lured to their destruction by men. I am always reminded of that beautiful passage in Genesis which says that woman was made after man. And isn't it our dear Mr. Browning who says, "Second thoughts are always best"? (She puts down her teacup.) There, now, I[Pg 16] really must be going, Mrs. Warren. I am on my way to the meeting of the "Helping Hand Society" and I really mustn't be too late. I hope I have not overly alarmed you, Mrs. Warren, but as one of your oldest friends and as the wife of your pastor I feel that I must always do my duty, no matter how painful, when the way lies open before me. I sincerely hope you will not feel that I have been ... been peremptory, so to speak, Mrs. Warren.

Mrs. Warren. No ... no. It is very kind of you to come to me in this sad moment of trouble.

Mrs. Pickering. (Rising) I do hope you will be able to attend the services to-morrow morning. Mr. Pickering has written a beautiful sermon on the evils of gossip ... a beautiful sermon. I feel that it is the best thing he has written in all the forty years of his righteous work. I am sure it will thunder down the ages as his masterpiece. The sentiment, the beautiful English, and even the punctuation ... are really marvelous. Of course, Mr. Pickering and I both realize that there is very little gossip in Northampton ... but it is best to know sin when one encounters it. Good afternoon, Mrs. Warren.

Mrs. Warren. (Weakly) Good afternoon.

(Mrs. Pickering goes out. Clara enters.)

Clara. I have brought the hot water, ma'am.

Mrs. Warren. Did you call Betty?

Clara. I knocked at her door, ma'am ... I knocked very loudly, ma'am, but got no answer.

Mrs. Warren. I am so distressed, Clara. See if she is in the garden. Yes, she must be in the garden. (Clara starts.) And Clara, do tell her to come in and see me at once. I want to talk to her. It is very important ... oh, most important that I[Pg 17] see her at once. Clara. (The knocker sounds.) See who that can be, Clara. Oh, more dreadful news, I fear. (Clara goes into the hall. Mrs. Warren keeps mumbling to herself:) Most disconcerting ... most dreadfully disconcerting.

(Clara enters.)

Clara. It is Mrs. Lawer, ma'am.

Mrs. Warren. Eh? What? Who, did you say?

Clara. Mrs. Lawer, ma'am.

Mrs. Warren. Mrs. Lawer? Oh, do have her come right in, Clara.

(Clara goes out. Mrs. Lawer enters.)