SWETNAM, THE VVoman-hater, ARRAIGNED BY WOMEN.

Actorvm Nomina.

Act. I. Scen. I.

Scen. II.

Clow. A sodden Nose.

Mis. Mysogenos, I say. Remember, Swash, heere comes a Gentleman.

Mis. A Master, Sir, of the most magnanimous Method of Cudgell-cracking.

Mis. Doe, and Ile teach you the very mysterie of Fencing, that in a fortnight, you shall be able to challenge any Scholer vnder the degree of a Prouost, and in a quarter of a yeere, beat all the Fencers in Germany. Our English Masters of this Noble Science would ha’ gi’n fortie pound to haue knowne that tricke.

Scan. Say you so, Sir?

By this hand, I shall thinke my money well bestowed then: but to tell you the truth, Sir, the reason I would learne, is, because I am to bee married shortly: and they say, Then or neuer, is the time for a man to get the mastery.

Mis. How, marry, Scholer? thou art not mad, I hope. Doe you know what you doe?

Scan. I know what I shall doe, Master, that’s as good.

Mis. Doe you know what she is you are to marrie?

Scan. A woman, I am sure a that.

Mis. No, she’s a Deuill, Harpie, Cockatrice.

Scan. And you were not my Master——

Scan. How, Sir?

Mis. Dissemblers, the very curse of man, Monsters indeed.

Clow. That Ile be sworne they are, for I haue knowne some of vm, that ha’ deuoured you three Lordships, in Cullices and Caudles before Break-fast.

Mis. Then we should ne’r be acquainted with the deceitfull deuices of a womans crooked conditions, which are so many, that if all the World were Paper, the Sea, Inke, Trees and Plants, Pens, and euery man Clarkes, Scribes, and Notaries: yet would all that Paper be scribled ouer, the Inke wasted, Pens worne to the stumps, and all the Scriueners wearie, before they could describe the hundreth part of a womans wickednesse.

Scan. But doe you heare, Sir? how long is’t since you became such a bitter Enemie to women?

I doted on such Follies, but now I haue left vm, and doe vow to be the euerlasting scourge to all their Sex: What the reason is, Ile tell you, Sir, hereafter: reade but that,

Scen. III.

Act. II.

And is, indeed, gracious with my Ladie: Yet for all that, wee poore Gentlewomen, that haue no other fortunes but our attendance, must now and then make the best vse of our places: wee haue president, and very lately too. But who comes here? my Lord Nicanor?

Here’s another Client——I must deuise some quaint deuice for him, to delude his frostie apprehension—— Oh I ha’t.

Nic. Loretta, how is’t, wench? How thriues my suit, ha? Hast broke with thy Lady yet?

Ile begin with A. and so proceed to the latter end of the Alphabet, comparing his good parts as thus: for A. hee is Amiable, Bountifull, Courteous, Diligent, Eloquent, Faithfull, Gracious, Humble, Iouiall, Kind, Louing, Magnanimous, Noble, Patient, Quiet, Royall, Secret, Trustie, Vigilant, Wittie, and Xceeding Youthfull. Now for Z, he’s zealous: so I conclude, pray God hee bee not Iealous.

Act. III.

Heral. Atticus, King of Sicilia, to all his louing Subiects sendeth greeting: Whereas there is a doubtfull question to be decided in publique disputation, which concernes the honour of all men in generall, that is to say, Whether the Man or the Woman in loue, stand guilty of the greatest offence: Know therefore, if that any man, of what estate or condition soeuer, will vndertake to defend the equitie of men, against the false imputations of women, let vm repayre to the Court, they shall be honourably entertayned, graciously admitted, and well rewarded.

Lor. Aurelia, Queene, by the especiall priuiledge of the Maiestie of Sicilia, to all Ladies, gentle and others, of the Female Sex, sends greeting: Whereas there is a question to be decided in publike disputation before, an Honourable Assembly of both parts, that is, whether the man or the woman in loue comit the greatest offence, by giuing the first and principall occasion of sinning: therefore know, that if any woman will vndertake to defend the innocency of women, against the false imputations of detracting men, let her repaire to the Court, shee shall bee honourably entertayned, graciously admitted, and well rewarded. |God saue the Queene.|

Cry. O yes! O yes! O yes! If there be any man——or woman——in this Honourable Court——that can produce——any lawfull cause——against either of the Aduocates——why they should not bee admitted——Let them now speake, or for euer hereafter hold their peace——

Att. ’Tis well. Now sweare the Iudges.

Not. Yee shall sweare by the sacred hand of Atticus, not to respect the person of either of the Offendors: but iustly and truly to waigh and ballance the Reasons and Arguments of the deputed Aduocates, and thereupon to determine and proceed in iudgement, according to the Lawes of this Iland, as you tender the pleasure of Royall Atticus.

Both Iudg. To this we freely sweare.

Att. Now then, to your Arguments.

Aur. Atlanta, for poore innocent women.

Att. Misogynos for the men.

Act. IIII.

Scen. II.

Nic. This Physick works too strongly, and may proue a deadly potion. Sforza, good my Lord, if any anger be ’twixt you and I, let it lye buried now; and let’s deuise some pastime to suppresse this heauinesse. A melancholy King makes a sad Court.

Scen. III.