Taking the Census

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Mr. Cole, the Census Taker. Mrs. Almira Johnson, a “Cullud Lady.”

Alexander Johnson, her Young Son.

Mrs. Johnson’s home. Mrs. Johnson winding yarn which Alexander holds for her.

Mrs. J. Now yo’ jes’ stop yo’ wigglin’, Alexandah, caze yo’ got to hole dis yahn till yo’ mammy git it all winded up in a big ball fo’ to knit yo’ wintah stockin’s wiv. Keep it straight, now. No, don’t straitch is so! Jes’ hole it easy.

Alex. But mah ahms is tiahd, Mammy, an’ mah han’s ache.

Mrs. J. Dat don’ make a bit o’ diffunce. Yo’ hole dat ar yahn good. Does yo’ heah?

Alex. Caint I hole it bimeby, an’ res’ a while now, Mammy?

Mammy. No, yo’ caint! Yo’ jes’ want to git out an’ play baseball wiv dem no-count white chilluns. I don’ want yo’ should ’sociate wiv sech trash. Sit up, does yo’ heah?

Alex. Yaas, but——

Mrs. J. (Getting a switch from the corner.) Alexandah Xerxes Napoleon Washin’ton Johnsing, does yo’ see dat switch?

Alex. I’m a-holdin’ it, Mammy. I’m a-holdin’ it good.

Mammy. Yo’ jes keep on a-holdin’ it good, an’ don’ yo’ fuss no moah. (A loud rap is heard.) Mah goodness, who dat? (She walks to door, still winding yarn, and opens it.)

Mr. C. Good afternoon, Madam.

Mrs. J. Good aftahnoon, sah. Will yo’ walk in?

Mr. C. Thank you, I will. I have here the census report blanks and I am taking the census.

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Mrs. J. We-all hasn’t no moah senses dan we needs, ouah selves, sah, an’ we don’ p’etend dat we has.

Mr. C. I mean I am taking the vital statistics, Madam.

Mrs. J. Vital stickses! Yo’ caint steal no wood here, an’ yo’ caint puffo’m no suhgicla-opahrations, needah. My vitals is inside o’ me, an’ dare dey am a-gwine to merain. Does yo’ heah? We-all don’ need no suhgeons, ’tall. No, yo’ needn’t stayah at dat boy. Yo’ caint speriment wiv his insides.

Mr. C. But I am not a surgeon, Madam. I am the census man.

Mrs. J. Yo’ suttinly am a senseless man, but don’ try any capers heah, fo’ mah eyes is on yo’, an’ de carbin’ knife am mighty handy. Alexandah, yo’ drap dat yahn, and go find a p’licemans. Tell him we-all has got a luniac heah. Hump yo’se’f, now, whilst I watch him. (Exit Alex.)

Mr. C. (Calling.) Come back here, boy. It’s all right.

Mrs. J. (Calling.) Go ’long dare, yo’ heah me? (To Mr. C.) Now yo’ sit down an’ keep still, an’ dar shan’t nuffin huht yo’. But don’ yo’ come a ’step nighah.

Mr. C. I assure you, Madam, you are mistaken. I only want to ask a few questions, and write down your answers.

Mrs. J. Dat’s all right. Might as well ’muse yo’se’f dat way as any odah. What yo’ tink yo’ wan’ to know?

Mr. C. (Opening book.) What is your husband’s name?

Mrs. J. Gawge Washin’ton Pompey Caesar Johnsing.

Mr. C. Born?

Mrs. J. Co’se he war bohn! Yo’ don’ t’ink he growed on a melon vine, does yer?

Mr. C. I mean, where and when was he born?

Mrs. J. In his daddy’s cabin, in watermillion time.

Mr. C. Where was his daddy’s cabin?

Mrs. J. In de quahtahs, on ole Massa Johnsing’s place, down in Souf Ca’liny.

Mr. C. Before the war?

Mrs. J. Shuah. De yeah dey took Fort Sumter. I disremembah de numbah.

Mr. C. ’61. What is his occupation?

Mrs. J. Why I isn’t quite shuah, not to be sartin, sah. I t’ink he’s a bandmastah, but he may be jus’ a coalheavah.

Mr. C. But they are not at all alike. Where does he work?

Mrs. J. Dat’s jes’ it, sah. Ef I knowed dat, I’d know what he done be doin’.

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Mr. C. But doesn’t he ever say?

Mrs. J. He nebah has, sah, not one bressed wohd, dough I’m a savin’ up to go to a mid-dle-um some day, and den I know.

Mr. C. A middle-um?

Mrs. J. Jes’ so. One ob dese yer hoodoo womans what conjer an call up de ha’nts to speak to dare folkses.

Mr. C. Oh, a medium! Then your husband is dead?

Mrs. J. He am dat.

Mr. C. How long?

Mrs. J. ’Bout fibe foot eight, sah.

Mr. C. I mean, how long has he been dead?

Mrs. J. Las’ wintah, sah, jes’ arter Chris’mus.

(Enter Alexander, alone. He has been running.)

Alex. De p’licemans say dat it all right, Mammy. De gubmint sent him, an’ yo’ mus’ answer what he ax yo’ to.

Mrs. J. He’s drefful ’quis’tive, but if de Pres’dint send him, we-all mus’ put up wiv him, I spec’.

Mr. C. What is your name?

Mrs. J. Missus Johnsing, ob co’se.

Mr. C. What was your maiden name? (She looks puzzled.) I mean, before you were married.

Mrs. J. Oh, I war Miss Birdie Apple-Blossom. I war de bell ob de ball when I war a gal.

Mr. C. And where were you born?

Mrs. J. In de no’f, sah, in Philadelphy, de yeah Mars Aberaham Lincum made de darkies free. Dat nex’ summah, sah.

Mr. C. What is your occupation?

Mrs. J. Ise a laundry lady, sah——a do-uppah. I does up de ladies’ fine t’ings——laces, and lingry and sech.

Mr. C. How many children?

Mrs. J. ’Leben, sah. Dars Gawge Washin’ton Pompey Caesah, named fo’ his daddy——he’s daid; an’ dars Celia Agnes Rosabelle, she am mah’ied, an’ libes in Virginny. Den dar am Thucydides Plato an’ Aristides Pluto, de twins. Dey wo’k in a bah-bah shop in Newark, an’ Thomas Jefferson Jackson, he am a bell boy in a hotel in Washin’ton, an’ Lily Pearl Beryl, she am a lady’s maid, an’ trabels obah lan’ an’ sea in an ottah mower beely—one ob dem ar debble wagons, yo’ know. Less see, dat am how many?

Mr. C. Six.

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Mrs. J. Nex’ am de triplets, Pollyanna, Susieanna and Roxieanna, dey am at school jes’ now, an’ Birdena Philopena Maud, she am at school, too, an’ dis yere pickaninny Alexandah Xerxes Napoleon Washin’ton, who am at hum, caze he been a habin’ de measles, an’ I don’ wan’ him to study ontwell Ise shuah his eyes are strong ’nuff. Teachahs am drefful hahd on chillun’s eyes. Now don’ yo’ go a-axin’ how old all dem chillunses is, caze I dunno.

Mr. C. Have you any property?

Mrs. J. Is yo’ all a tax-c’lectah?

Mr. C. No.

Mrs. J. Den it’s none ob yo’ bus’ness, an’ Ise tiah’d ob ans’in’ yo’ foolish questions so yo’ c’n jes’ take yo’ foot in yo’ han’ and go ’long.

Mr. C. But my dear—

Mrs. J. Don’ yo’ try to flirt wid me, you pasty-faced white man.

Mr. C. I have no such intentions, but—

Mrs. J. Den yo’ was in earnest when yo’ called me yo’ deah? Yo’ a-huntin’ fo’ a wife?

Mr. C. No indeed, madam.

Mrs. J. Yo’ mahied?

Mr. C. No, but—

Mrs. J. Den it all right, deah. I axcep’ yo’! Yo’ is shuah a fine lookin’ man, an’ Ise proud to be yo’ wife.

Mr. C. But my dear madam—

Mrs. J. Dat’s so, Ise yo’ deah, an’ yo’s mah honey. Let me hug yo’ once.

Mr. C. (Rising precipitately.) I must be going.

Mrs. J. Don’ yo’ hurry, honey boy. I wants ter ax yo’ some questions now. I’ll sit in yo’ lap while I does it.

Mr. C. (Going hastily out.) Excuse me, I see some one I must speak to.

Mrs. J. (Laughing heartily.) Ha, ha, ha! Did yo’ see me get rid ob dat fella wid his fool questions, Alexandah? Ho, ho, ho! As if I’d take a washed out white man in yo’ deah daddy’s shoes. Ho, ho, ho! He t’ought I was a-gwine ter kiss him! Run give him his book, sonny; he clean furgot it. Ho, ho, ho! Dat’s de way to get rid ob de Senses mans! He done made tracks libely when he t’ought I want him. Dat’s de besses joke dis yeah. I mus’ go tell Ca’liny Jackson, fo’ he gets to her house a-axin’ questions an’ peekin’ into her pribate ’fairs. Ho, ho, ho! But dat war a good one on de Senses man! (Goes out, laughing.)

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A CORNER IN HEARTS. By Edna Randolph Worrell. Parlor play for 4 young men and 1 lady, or 5 men. Very amusing. All the lovers propose to the same girl. Rich humor; pleasing situations. Excellent for any time. 25 minutes. 15 cents.

A DAY AT HAPPY HOLLOW SCHOOL. By Lettie Cook VanDerveer. A new play of the “Deestrick Skule” type. Up-to-date wit and clever drolleries. A city automobile party in contrast with rural youngsters. Lots of fun. Songs, etc., may be introduced. A capital play to make money for church or school. 25 cents.

A GOOSE AND SOME GEESE. By Eleanor Stinchcomb. A Jolly Mother Goose play with a very pointed climax. For 5 girls and 7 boys. Time, 15 minutes. 15 cents.

A HALLOWE’EN ADVENTURE. A lively play, by Effie Louise Koogle. Full of ghostly excitement and spooky frolic. Specially suited for social occasions. 8 males and 8 females, or more. 3 scenes. 1 hour. 15 cents.

A LITTLE HEROINE OF THE REVOLUTION. A play for all ages. By Elizabeth F. Guptill. A little girl is sent ostensibly to play with a friend, but really to carry a message to General Marion. She is captured by the British, but by her cleverness deceives them, and reaches her destination. Full of historic interest. 10 males, 5 females. More boys may be added as soldiers, if desired. 25 cents.

AL MARTIN’S COUNTRY STORE. A burlesque for from 15 to 30 participants, by Archibald Humboldt and Martelle Everett. Unsurpassed for merriment, taking qualities and ease of production. A country store with all its peculiar environments is depicted. The loafers, the small customers, the gossipers, the lovers, the innocent fun makers, all have parts. There is a graceful plot that gathers interest as the play proceeds and culminates in a brilliant climax. Unquestionably the greatest success as a popular entertainment. 25 cents.

CONTEST OF THE NATIONS, THE. A spectacular play or cantata, by Elizabeth F. Guptill. The Goddess of Liberty and 12 nations compete for the laurel crown. It embraces a fine march; splendid songs by Archibald Humboldt. Very effective. 13 ladies. 25 cents.

CABBAGE HILL SCHOOL. A humorous play for children or young people, by Elizabeth F. Guptill. Presents the trials of a new “skewl-marm” on the opening day, and the performances of the pupils in the presence of august visitors on closing day. A veritable mirth-provoker. Full of the richest humor. 10 males, 16 female characters (or less). 25c.

CROWNING THE MAY QUEEN. A spectacular play by Elizabeth F. Guptill. Children go Maying, select and crown a queen, wind the Maypole, and have a merry time. The frolic is quickly changed to great excitement by the appearance of a gypsy, who attempts to abduct them. A very clever plot and a happy arrangement. 9 boys and 8 girls, or 17 girls. 25 cents.

CUPID’S JOKE. A charming little drama in which Cupid plays an important part. A splendid society play for St. Valentine’s Day, or any social occasion. 5 male and 5 female characters, and Cupid. 3 scenes. 45 minutes. By Effie Louise Koogle. 15 cents.

DIALOGS FOR ANY TIME, ORIGINAL. By Elizabeth F. Guptill. Interesting and amusing. May be given in any room with very few property requirements, by primary and intermediate grades. The author’s name is a guarantee of their excellence. They are witty, spicy and lively. 25 cents.

DISPELLING OF BIG JIM, THE. A negro farce in one act, by Sterling C. Brewer. Decidedly humorous. Big Jim is being tried by the officials of Big Bethel Church for some misdemeanor. The trial is full of interesting occurrences and culminates in an exciting event. Full of darky humor. 8 male characters. 30 minutes. 15 cents.

DOCTOR AND PATIENT. By John M. Drake. 2 male characters. Very funny. 5c.

DOIG’S EXCELLENT DIALOGS. By Agnes M. Doig. Contains four excellent dialogs for the primary grades. “Keeping Store,” 3 girls, 1 boy. “Guessing,” 3 girls, 2 boys. “Playing School,” 4 boys, 4 girls. “Christmas Eve,” 3 girls, 2 boys. 10 cents.

DOLL DIALOG. This is a very instructive dialog for 4 little girls. 5 cents.

DOLLY SHOW, THE. A dialog in rhyme for 7 little girls and 2 boys. The girls have a baby show with their dollies, and each “mother” shows her baby off to the best advantage. The judge is unusually wise, awarding the prize to the satisfaction of each one. The sayings of the little ones are cute, and the whole performance a great success. 15 cents.

DOLLS’ SYMPOSIUM, THE. A most unique and captivating play, by Elizabeth F. Guptill. It combines spicy dialog, fascinating drills, clever burlesque, entrancing songs and cunning antics. Children impersonate the dolls and do the most amusing stunts. Unequaled as a surprising fun maker. For any number from 16 to 50. One-half to one and one-half hours, as desired. 25 cents.

GOING TO MEET AUNT HATTIE. A dialog by Mrs. Hunt. For 1 male and 3 female characters. 5 cents.

THE GOLDEN GOBLET. An exceedingly clever farce, with female cast, for Bachelor Girls’ and Women’s Clubs, Sororities, etc., by Louise Rand Bascom, author of “The Masonic Ring.” Uproariously funny with absurd situations and comical elaborations. A “hit” for any occasion. Easy to produce. Any number of characters, but 12 required. 1 hr. 35c.

HEIR OF MT. VERNON, THE. A Colonial Society Play for any occasion, in which Washington’s social life, sterling manhood and courteous manners are portrayed. In one scene Christmas is celebrated in rare plantation style. Lively with old plantation melodies and pranks. By Effie Louise Koogle. For grammar grades or adults. 4 scenes, 8 boys and 8 girls, or more will be better. 1 to 2 hours. 25 cents.

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By Effie Louise Koogle. The “totally different” Christmas entertainment. Add to the attractiveness of the minstrel show idea the distinction of having “His Royal Nibs” as Interlocutor, with equally unique personalities as End Men, endow them with a program flashing with fun, brilliant with beauty, enlivening with song and teeming with specialties, and you have a scream of delight from start to finish. The most novel novelty of the age. 25 cents.

By Edith Palmer Painton. A class play in four acts and an epilog. 6 males, 6 females. We have prevailed upon the author to allow us to publish this remarkably successful commencement play, which has been leased in manuscript for several years, and which always scores a brilliant success. It is the highest type commencement play. Acting rights free to purchaser of 12 copies. 35 cents.

By Louise Rand Bascom. 4 males, 5 females. This accomplished author has done nothing better than this absorbing story of a summer vacation and the marvelous transformation of a grouchy father into a genial friend. The summer boarders are every one eccentric characters and the opportunities are immense. Clean, wholesome, elegant. Strongly recommended. 25c.

By Misses Rice and Clark. 14 females. A boarding school episode lively with vivacious pranks and interesting situations. The plot is strong, and culminates in a happy surprise. Stunts and specialties introduced. A splendid class play. 25 cents.

A capital collection of the spiciest comic dialogs, comedies and farces by the best known writers in America. These plays are short, strong, pithy and witty, easy to give, and require only from two to six characters. Just right for schools. 30 cents.

The cleverest humor of modern times. Monologs, readings and recitations, portraying the funny side of present-day notions and doings. Fresh, crisp, snappy. For all ages. 25 cents.

AUNT JERUSHA AND UNCLE JOSH. By Effie Louise Koogle. 1 male, 2 females. These eccentric folk visit the school, producing no end of fun. 5 cents.

AUNT LUCINDY STAYS. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Two darky characters make lots of fun. Clever and clean. 5 cents.

“BEAT IT!” By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 1 female. A scolding wife makes trouble for everybody, the parson included. Oceans of fun. 5 cents.

THE BUGTOWN BAND. By Archibald Humboldt. 4 males, 1 female. More fun than you can imagine, and a little music which anybody can make. 5 cents.

THE BUZZVILLE NEWS. By Effie Louise Koogle. 2 males, 1 female. A breezy conversation between the manager and new editor. A sure hit. 5 cents.

BETTY AND BETSY. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Betsy was advertised for sale, but he wanted Betty. Bright and pretty. 5 cents.

DOT ENTERTAINS. By Elizabeth F. Guptill. 1 male, 1 female. Dot entertains her big sister’s beau, and the things she tells him are a plenty. A big success. 5 cents.

THE GOOSE FEATHER BED. By Willis N. Bugbee. 4 males, 1 female. A dandy little play for Irish and eccentric characters. Easy and amusing. 5 cents.

THE LUNATIC OR THE PROFESSOR. By Louise Rand Bascom. 2 males, 2 females. The lunatic is mistaken for the brain specialist, which is hard on the lunatic. Great. 5c.

LOOK OUT FOR HEZIKIAH. By Louise Rand Bascom. 3 males, 1 female. Hayseed parents visit college dean. Splendid opportunity for clever acting. Bright and amusing. 5c.

LAUGHTER AND SONG. By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males, 4 females. Comic dialog interspersed with jolly songs, making a continuous funny story. 5 cents.

MORE TIME OUT. By Carolyn F. Rice. 7 females. An amusing comedy dealing with the servant problem. The characters are strongly contrasted. Easy, but effective. 5 cents.

OH, YOU TEACHER! By C. A. Donaldson. 8 males, 4 females. A splendid comedy of school life, showing the amateur teacher’s trials. Funny and well suited for schools. 5c.

ONE ON THE AGENT. By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. A clever skit, bright with telling repartee. Recommended for all occasions. 5 cents.

THE “PHYSICAL TORTURE” CLUB. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 m. 2 f. Physical culture exercises for which Ma is too stout and Pa is too rheumatic. Killingly funny. 5 cents.

RASTUS BLINK’S MINSTRELS. By Effie Louise Koogle. For any number. His “Kinky Koons” are killing. The jolliest minstrel show ever. A deluge of drollery. 5 cents.

THE SQUASHVILLE FIRE BRIGADE. By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 2 females, and other firemen, if desired. A brisk and snappy little dialog. Easy and clever. 5 cents.

“SCAT!” By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. Cunning attempt of an old maid to prove her youth. Very laughable. 5 cents.

SEEING THE ANIMALS. By Clara J. Denton. 1 male, 2 females. A swell hotel clerk, a suffragette, and a spoiled child make a lively time. A hit. 5 cents.

THE STUPID WITNESS. 3 males. The lawyer and witness lock horns and have an awful time, but it’s fun for the audience. Swift and keen. 5 cents.

THE TRAIN LEAVES IN TEN MINUTES. By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 2 females. Will they catch the train? The awful suspense is punctured by fun and wit. 5 cents.

WANTED: A LICENSE TO WED. By Elizabeth F. Guptill. 2 males, 1 female. Humorous situation resulting from a misunderstanding. Irish dialect. 5 cents.

THE RAG SOCIABLE. A Quaint old fashioned entertainment which is always sure to please. Libretto by Edith S. Tillotson. Music by various Composers. The dialog is very spicy and interesting, and humor and pathos are beautifully blended in the various musical selections. The characters include Mrs. Winters and her two daughters Betsy and Maria, Miss Jemima Rush, Mrs. Bassett, Mrs. Collins, Mrs. Salina Grey, the Allen twins (elderly), Mrs. Martha Ann Hall, Miss Eliza Hall, Mrs. Jane Tompkins and Amanda Tompkins. The list of characters may be extended ad. lib. to meet local conditions.

A fine entertainment for a class of women or girls, Ladies’ Aid, Christian Endeavor and Epworth League Societies, etc. Price, 25 cents per copy.

LOVE FINDS THE WAY, or The Detective That Father Hired. Music by Chas. H. Gabriel. Words by Rev. Wm. Danforth, author of “The Old District School,” etc. A highly amusing farcical song-skit, with four characters: A Determined Young Lover, an Irate Father, a Daughter with a Will of Her Own, and an Aiding and Abetting Mother—parts: tenor, basso, soprano and alto.