KINGS OF BEASTS

THE RAT

RATS is radiants and the little ones is a mouse, and thats the feller which pursues the women folks up into a high tree and blankets on her blood! But the old he rat eats bread and cheese like a thing of life.

One day my mother she baited a trap with Dutch cheese, for to catch a rat. My father he looked on a while, and then he said, my father did: “I guess there isnt any doubt about the rat finding that deadly invention if he follers his nose, and I foresee his finish, but what is the trap for?”

Rats is two kinds, the common and the mush. The common is the scourge of the world, but the mush he lives in the water and is highly respected. The fur of the mush is a article of commerce and keeps your hands warm when winter stalks abroad like a devouring kangaroon. If I was a mush I would keep my fur for my own self and say: “You fool humans can stay in the house and stand by the fire.” But Uncle Ned he says that would be bad for athletical sports, why not let them go out of doors,14 but keep their hands in one a others pockets as usual?

He says one time in Arizona there was a show, and the show man he stood in the door of his tent and hollored: “Walk up, walk up, ladies and gents, and see the fierce Canadian beaver, which is the 8th wonder of the world and the anchor of hope to them which is afflicted with the dumps. He roams the rivers of the frozen north, from Dan Couvers island to Sammy Quoddys bay in the state of Maine, and his voice is ever for war. When he throws his eye upon a tree the doom of that monarch of the forest primeval is sealed, its caroar at a end and its name a by word in the mouths of men, for he ganaws it down while you wait, and as it thunders to earth he raises the song of triump and lashes the air to foam! His house is fathoms five under the glad waters of the deep blue sea, and the steam boats pass above him as he pursues the evil tenor of his way, in maiden meditation, fancy free. At midnights holy hour he arises to the surface for to communicate with his kindreds in a far country, and the slap of his powerful tail is heard around the

world. The dams which he builds with his teeths and feets turns aside the Father of Waters, and mighty cities are with the15 eternal past! Yet this wonder worker is endowered with a domestical mind and a sociable dispusition, and he is never so happy as when surounded by such friendly and congenual spirits as I see before me, generously eager for to cheer him in his campaign of education. Walk up, walk up, only fifty cents for to bring the balm of Gulliad to this lonely exiles heart.”

I asked Uncle Ned was it a mush rat, and he said, Uncle Ned did: “I dont know, Johnny, I dont know. I hadnt time to go in and cheer up the lonely exile, for having the misfortune to wear a stopipe hat and look like maybe I would steal horses, I feared that if I went in the show I might be too much absorbed in admiration to the beaver to mark the laps of time, and would be late at the boundry.”

Beavers is mammals, but the mush is amfabulous and lays eggs. And thats why I say every feller to his own taste and the tiger for us all.

The mush he lives in the river, and when he is attempted to be caught he swims across and whisks his tail, real contemptible, much as to say: “No you dont.”

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But if you have a gun you do.

Injins eats the mush every little tiny bit up, fur and all, and, then the white man he says: “You uncivilize galoot, aint you a shamed of yourself for to be so filthy, why dont you eat oysters, like you was folks?”

But, if I was Injins I wouldnt care what I et, just so it was pizen. Franky, thats the baby, he eats everything which is in the world and is made sick. One time Mary, thats the house maid, she come to my mother ablubberin like she had been licked, and she said, Mary did: “O, if you please, mum, I gave Franky his fathers pocket knife for to play with, and Ime afraid he will make a improper use of it.”

Mother she said: “Go and take it away from him this minute!”

But Mary she only just cried harder and said: “He won’t give it up, for he has swollered it.”

Girls is fools, but Billy, thats my brother, he can stand on his head, and Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, he can climb the mast and fling defiance into the teeths of the storm!

Jack says one time a other sailor hired out as mate of a ship which the captain of had a pet kangaroon. One day fore the ship sailed the mate was lyin in his 17bunk, and the kang it come in and looked around the room, but the mate he let on for to be asleep. So the kang it stole a shirt and stuffed it in the pouch on the stomach of its belly. Then it took a comb and a hair brush and put them in too. Bime by it see the mate’s new shoes, and his toothbrush and a railroad guide and took them all. Then the roon it hopped away.

The mate he got up and went to the captain and sed, the mate did: “If you are willing, sir, Ide like to be set ashore to once, cause we are doomed for to sink in the bowel of the sea.”

The captain said how did he know, and the mate said: “By a infaluble sign. I seen that big French rat of yourn a packin up for to forsake the ship.”

Rats is every where, but the kang is a native of Illinoy and leaps from crag to crag!

My sisters young man he says the women has rats in their hair, so you better keep away from them, but my sister says why dont he?

When he comes to see her he asks how I am gettin on with my natural histry, and then he tells me things which I am welcome for to put into it, but she says what a fib, and I must not believe a word which he says, and looks right in his eyes with 18hern, real reproachy, but he isnt a bit afraid. Hern are brown, but hisn is gray.

Rats is bipeds, but the hi potamus has got hair on its teeths and can swoller a native nigger like he was a capsule. And that is why I say do into others the same as you would be done to by them your own self.

BUTTYGOATS

THERE is billygoats and nannygoats and they are all butty if you dont look out, for when they are made fun of they will act in the most responsible manner.

Uncle Ned he says one time there was a little boy which was a havin his own fun with a goat, by gettin down on his all 4s and stampin his hands and shakin his head like it was the goat’s head, but the goat it didnt seem for to mind, but went round behind him, like it said: “I wont have nothing to do with this business.”

But when it got to where it wanted to be it let drive, real cruel, where the boy sat down. The boy he lit in the open door of a house, and a old man come out and saw the boy, and then he looked all around, but didnt see nobody else, and then he looked up to the sky and said: “Heaven be praised, which has sent us a son!”

But I guess he knew.

The Bible it says for to be frightful and multiply.

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When he was movin out of the other house into this one, Billy, thats my brother, had took a big lookin glass to the wagon and stood it up against a wheel, and a goat he see himself in the glass, and that was more than he would stand, so he backed off and took a run and jump with his head down, like it was a cow catcher on a engine. The glass it was smashed, but the goat was catched between the spokes of the wheel and held fast a long time. When he got out he run round to the other side of the wagon and viewed the land scape oer, and shook his head mighty brave, like saying: “Well, you got away this time, you ugly feller, but you wouldnt if it hadnt been for that wagon in the way, and you better not let me see you in this part of the country again, mister!”

Goats is mollusks, but the centipede is infantry. The pede is found in the torpid zone, but the rhi nupple dinkey is a three legger and makes the welkin ring! Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, swears and chews tobacco, and every thing, says the dink is the gem of the ocean and can swaller 2 men to once. One day Jack seen a dink a follering the ship which he worked on, and he told the captain. The captain he said: “That is mighty mournful, cause the dinky is bad luck unless he is fed a sailor21 every day. We are 6 days from the port where we are bound for, and there is just seven of us. The way I figure it out I shall have to take this ship into port pretty short handed. Go forwerd and unship the cook.”

Jack he said: “I, I, sir,” and went and flang the cook over board and the dink et the cook.

Next day the captain made Jack thro over the mate, and next day the carpenter, and the dink et both. Jack he begun for to be mighty nervous, but on the 4th day, as he was about to heave a able bodied seaman into the ragin deeps, they sighted a wreck and rescued the crew. That enabled them for to give the dink 2 men a day and save 4 human lifes.

Billy says there isnt any such thing as a rhi nupple dinky, but Jack he says Billy is prejudiced cause Jacks father is nothing only but just a humble butcher, but ourn wears a stopipe hat.

Jack says he pines like a caged eagle on this dull, unchangin shore, but my sisters young man he says that the briny deep which Jack knows most about is his fathers barrel of pickled pork. But I know Jack was one time a pirate, for his arm is tattered red and blue with a picture of a angel22 and a labm.

Jakey Epstein, which is the curly headed Jew, he says pork is pizen, and one day when my sisters young man was eatin a sausage Jakey’s father he spoke up and sed: “I rather die than eat that.”

My sisters young man stopt eatin awhile, and looked at him sollem out of his eyes, and bime by he said: “Ide rather you would.”

But it is wicked to sass back, for the Bible it says a soft answer turneth away rats.

Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, did I ever tell you about the buttigoat which had never saw a mule? One day it saw one a standin in the sun, like it was asleep. The butty it looked awhile and then it walked around to the last part of the mule, a lookin mighty sly, much as to say: 'When he cant see me I’ll sock it to him good and plenty.’

“But the mule knew what was doing, and when the butty tried to sock it to him he kicked him in the forehead real cruel, and the butty turned a flip flop and lit on his back with his feets in the air. Bime by he got up and shook his self, and stomped the ground, and looked at the mule a long time, which was a chewin his cud real peaceful. After a while the butty he said to his self: 'Ide like for to know which end that feller23 buts with. I know which I do by the ache.’”

The horse is the noblest animal which scours the plain, but the buttigoat can knock out a dog like the dog hadnt been there, for the butty was give dominion over the fishes of the sea, and the birds of the foul air and everything that is born of woman.

CATS

A FELLER which had took a unfurnished bed room in a lodgin’ house, he said one evening to a friend which had called on him: “Now I got my room, and I have bought this bed and chair, but my money has give out, wot am I to do for a water pitcher, and a lamp, and a hair brush, and other little articles of luxury such as a man of refined taste likes to see about him?”

Then his friend he spoke up and said: “Just give me that old cat and come along o me, and we will get all them things mighty quick.”

So they took the cat into the back yard of a other house and pinned her tail to a cloes line, where she swung free to the sport of the wind and owled awful! Then the fellers friend he said: “Now we will get plenty water jugs, and lamps, and hair brushes, and old shoes, and all things which is nice. All we got to do is just hide ourselfs till they come down like manna from Heaven.”

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They stayed all night till the cat had singed herself into the better land and they was most froze, and no manna. While they was a lookin up to a window a feller in his night shirt opened the window and looked out for to see the sun rise. Then one of them said to the shirt feller: “It is a nice mornin, gum dast you!” But the man at the window he didnt say nothing. So the other feller he hollered: “How do you like music, old stick-in-the-mud?” but the man didn’t say nothin a other time. Then the feller which the cat was hisn he shook his two fists real terible and hollered: “Ile get even on you for this, you darned thief!”

The man in the house took notice and went away from the window, but pretty soon come back with a enormous ear trumpet, which he stuck in his ear and leaned out and shouted: “What?”

Old Gaffer Peters, which has got the bald head, he had a big Maltese cat, and the cat had a hole in its ear. One day it come in to Mister Brilys meat shop, which is the fat butcher, and Jack Brily, he catched it and shut it up. But first he cut off its ear which had the hole in it. Bime by Missis Doppy, which is old Gaffer’s daughter and has a red head, she come in for to buy sausage meat. Jack he sneaked the cat ear26 into the sausage meat and Missis Doppy she took the meat home, but Jack he said, just as she left the shop:

“That is the dandiest sausage meat which we have ever made, you look at it when you get home, and see if it aint.”

When she was gone Jack he shut the cat up in the box which catches the ground up meat as it comes out of the machine, and waited. Pretty soon Missis Doppy she come boilin in, real furious, and handed back the meat and showed Jack the cat ear with the hole in it and said: “Young man, do you know what that is?”

Jack he looked at it a long time, and then he said: “Looks like it might maybe be a washer off of some kind of machine. Where did you get it?”

Missis Doppy said: “I got it out of that meat. You made our cat in to sausage, you wicked thief!”

Just then old Mister Brily come in and asked what was up, and while Missis Doppy was a weepin and sayin what a mean man he was Jack said: “I dont see how that cat could get in the machine without our guilty knowledge, lets see if we can find the other ear.”

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So he flang open the box of the grinder and the cat jumped out, and made a dash for the door and most knocked Missis Doppy down and busted out of the shop like it was a whirl wind, and scampered up the street, toward home, you never have see such a circus! Missis Doppy she fainted dead away and Mister Brily he hurled a beef bone at Jack, which dodged and walked away, a singin about war with its wide dissolution.

But Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says it is wicked for to poke fun at the women, cause they cant poke back. Mister Pitchel he can pray real fine, but if me and Billy was preachers I rather be a pirate like Rinard the Red Revenger, which declaimed war with the whole world and had ships and a castle and no goin to school.

When cats is roarin like distant thunder it makes a feller awful fraid unless he is a sleepin with his sister.

The pig it is a native of the Holy Land, and dogs is French, but cats is known from the earliest times and can pur. Missis Dumberly, which has eleven children, she was to our house, and she said, Missis Dumberly did, that she just couldn’t bear cats. Then Uncle Ned he spoke up28 and said: “That is mighty lucky for the mice.”

Missy, thats my sister, she doesnt like cats too, but girls is quadderpeds and cant climb trees, and when they are mad they spit and swear and hunch their backs up like they was camomiles.

Cats and taggers is the same thing, only the tagger he is bigger and can thrash the lion, and is the king of the jingle. If I was a tag Ide rather be a rhi nosey rose, for the rhi it has got a sticker, and when it fights the ephalent it jabs its sticker in to the stomach of the ephs belly. And that is why the cracky dile says: “Suffer little children to come into me.”

Ephalents was one time used in battle, but once when the king of Rome was a chargin with ten thousand hundred ephs the enemies they turned loose a ton of rats, and the ephs all fled amain as one man! The king of Romes neck was broke and ephalents have ever since pursued the arts of peace and eats pea nuts. Mister Jonnice, which has the wood laig, he was one time a soldier in the war, and thats the way he got it, cause the enemies they shot it off with cannons for to keep him from runnin away. But he says he done some mighty good hoppin.

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Mose, which is the cat, and Bildad, thats the new dog, they are good friends, but when Mose is give a saucer of milk Bildad he jumps in and swallers it in 3 or 4 gulps. Then he looks around at Mose, like he was astonished, and shakes his head, much as to say: “Well, well, if I had knew there wasnt no milk in that saucer I wouldnt have took the trouble for to come and see.”

Bildad has got a bushy tail, and Mose he can blow hisn up like a balloon wen he is mad, but the Manx cat it hasnt got any. And that proves that all is for the best, cause man was made in six days and rested on the 7th and went a fishin.

When cats fight they spit fire and sword! One night 2 tom cats was fightin and a woman she put her head out of the window and said to a police man: “Poor things, why dont you part them, you wicked man?”

The police man he spoke up and said, the police man did: “I thought of that, mum, but I guess it aint worth while, cause it looks to me like they would part one a other.”

I think he was afraid, but it is nice for to be brave like Billy, which says if there wasnt any soldiers the Millennium would be upon to us and we would all have30 to flee to the mountains!

My sisters young man says that once there was a cat, and there was a dog, and there was a lamb, and there was a ox. The dog it said to the ox: “Thats a mighty long tail you got there, mister, with a nice duster to the end of it, but you cant waggle it when you meet your master carryin a beef steak.”

Then the cat it said to the ox, too: “No, indeed, and you cant blow it up and spit fire wen you meet a other ox.”

The lamb it said: “And you aint able for to twinkle it when you think of some thing funny.”

The ox he thought awhile and then he said: “I played hookey when I was a little boy so much that I didn’t learn them vain acomplishments, thats a fact, but I have got a tolerbly fair business education, and I guess maybe you fellers would have to come to me for to help you out if you had to fill a order for ox tail soup.”

Mary, thats the house maid, she has wrote some poetry about cats, which my mother says is mighty fine. Here it is:

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I never have saw such rot, but Uncle Ned he says: “I beg for to remind you, fair youth, that you have yet to peruse the work of Ella Wheeler Wilcox.”

If I was a poet I would not write about spitcats, no, indeed, it would be all about the eagle, which is the king of beasts and fixes its eye on to the sun, and soars aloof into the blue imperial, and defies the lion and her welps!

Once there was a eagle which was a show, and a man which was to the show dropped a twenty dollar gold piece and it rolled into the eagles cage. The eagle it looked at it a while, and called his wife and said, the eag did: “That feller threw his poker check in here, and I guess he thought I would swaller it cause it has a chicken32 on one side, but Ide blush for to have such a nasty lookin rooster cut out of my craw.”

My sisters young man he says when he was a boy and went to school him and a other boy had a readin lesson about animals. The teacher, which was near sighted, he had lost his spettacles and couldn’t tell one word from a other, and they knew it. So when they stood up for to read, my sisters young man he begun and said: “The cat is the loftiest centipede which sweeps the horizon and scowers the plain.”

The teacher he said: “What’s that, whats that?”

Then my sisters young man he looked at the book, real atentive and said it again. The teacher he said: “Lemmy see that book, youngster, just lemmy see it.”