THE GREAT INQUIRY.

With the good taste that characterises our political life (how different from the howling bear-gardens of the Continent!), these minutes were officially communicated, as they appeared, to the Speaker, from whose pages they are now collected in this the

ONLY, FINAL, AND AUTHORISED EDITION.

Letter from Mr. Chamberlain.

Sir,

I am instructed by the Secretary of State for the Colonies to acknowledge the receipt of your letter and of the enclosed report. He desires me particularly to thank you for Mr. Vince’s pamphlet. He has not yet heard of Mr. Vince, but is bound to express his admiration for his lucid and patriotic argument.

Pray note that the Secretary of State for the Colonies will reply (through me) to all further communications as to “A Working-man correspondent:” a long political career has convinced him, etc.

BRITONS!

LOOK ON THIS PICTURE

“I AM LEAN AND LIVELY.”

AND ON THIS.

“I AM TOO FAT.”

THE GREAT INQUIRY

(ONLY AUTHORISED VERSION)

FAITHFULLY REPORTED

By H. B.

REPORTER TO THE COMMITTEE,

AND ORNAMENTED WITH SHARP CUTS DRAWN ON THE SPOT

By G. K. C.

DUCKWORTH & CO.,

3 HENRIETTA STREET, COVENT GARDEN, W.C.

OFFICIAL RECORD OF THE PROCEEDINGS OF THE GREAT INQUIRY,

With its Conclusions, Majority and Minority Report, etc.

Printed by Order of the Committee.

Your Inquiring Body, or Commission of Inquest, has been formed of a section of the Cabinet, with power to add to their number.

Of this power they have availed themselves sparingly and judiciously, as the following list will show:

These gentlemen, your Committee, having been sworn, in the Scotch manner, “that they would well and truly bolt out the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, such as would profit and serve this Our realm of England, the Channel Islands, and all Our dominions beyond the seas, so help them God,” the proceedings opened by a prayer that the wisdom of this world might be turned into foolishness, and that the false pride of Reason might be humbled, and the insolence of philosophers confounded.

Upon which was called Mr. Baines, of Middlesbrough, a gentlemanly-looking person, who deposed that:

The country was upon the verge of ruin. In the iron trade, competition with America, and latterly with Belgium and Germany, had been felt very severely. Mrs. Baines and self had passed through many anxious moments since 1892. The extravagance of their eldest son William at the University, which, under normal circumstances, would have caused them no uneasiness, had driven them almost distracted and had led to a most regrettable coolness between parent and child. For the last eight years he had found it impossible to spend more than one month, or at the most six weeks, in London during the season, and that in a hired house. In the worst year, 1897, Mrs. Baines had been compelled to take lodgings. It was only by an unstinted and harassing attention to detail that the business had been kept going. His hair, which twenty years ago had been of a rich nut-brown colour, was now quite grey, and growing very thin and patchy.

“A gentlemanly-looking person.”

Mr. Gerald Balfour, who had followed the business side of the argument very closely, here asked what remedy Mr. Baines proposed for this state of things?

Mr. Baines replied that there seemed to be but two courses to follow. The best way would be for the Government to pay him quarterly not less than 25s. for every ton of pig-iron he might manufacture. If, for party reasons, it was impossible to grant him such a sum, the second course would be to impose a duty on all other iron which would raise his, Mr. Baines’, iron by a similar amount.

Asked by Mr. Chamberlain whether it was his opinion that the wages of his hands would rise under such a system, Mr. Baines looked a trifle puzzled, and confessed that he did not understand the drift of the question.

Mr. Chamberlain (smiling pleasantly): “I will put my question in another form. Would you offer your employés a portion of the profit so acquired?”

Mr. Baines (bewildered): “Why should I?”

The Postmaster-General: “Let me tackle him, father....” (To Mr. Baines): “I take it all your men have a vote?”

Mr. Baines: “Yes, all except Ben Gailey, who did time for ghurling.”

“What is ghurling?”

Mr. Balfour (with great interest): “What is ghurling?”

The Postmaster-General (hurriedly): “That’s all right. Well, now, the question is this: if we give you £1 down for every ton of pig iron you shove on the market, and we make it a condition that you pay at least 5s. of it in extra wages, will you clinch?”

Mr. Baines: “Like a nut!”

The witness, who was complimented by Lord Lansdowne on the manly and straightforward way in which he had given his evidence, then stood down.

Mr. Harry Gibbs, farmer of Goudhurst, questioned upon Hops, said that W’ops were in a turrible bad way, and all. He knew his own mind. He was a practical man. He said: “Let the Government prohibit all foreign W’ops, Sussex and all, and let brewers have a law, and let ’un buy Kentish W’ops. There was old Sir Charles Gorle, there was, member of Parliament and all, and he knew for certain as that old man in his brewery never bought none but Sussex, and he’d have a law....”

Mr. Chamberlain (sternly): “Stand down.”

Witness (loudly): “Ar! I’m a plain man and not to be druv, and I tell you....”

Lord Lansdowne: “Stand down, sir!”

Witness (more loudly): “I tell you if you let these dang Sussex W’ops....”

The whole Committee here rose and in chorus ordered the witness to stand down.

Witness: “You hear me! These Sussex W’ops, they have the vly; they aren’t....”

The police here removed the witness, who struggled violently, shaking his fist over his shoulder, and shouting:

“Ar, it’s stan’ down naow!... You wait till t’election.... Ar. You see which way I voät then.... Ar!”

Similar cries were heard in the passage without, until his voice was lost in the distance, or was perhaps gagged by the police.

This unpleasant scene was succeeded by the testimony of a very different witness, Lord Renton, who was of opinion that the good money should be kept in the country.... He, for his part, could see no kind of reason why we should buy from abroad what we could very well make for ourselves.... He was interested in butter.... He believed that the preservation of eggs was only a matter of time.

At this moment, Mr. Balfour observing that the Committee had sat for full twenty minutes, the inquiry was adjourned. Mr. Chamberlain went out with Lord Renton, and partook of his motor-car, as he was stopping with His Lordship from Saturday to Monday.

THE DRAIN OF GOLD.

At the second weekly meeting of the Cabinet Committee of Inquiry into our Fiscal System, Lord Halsbury joined the Committee.

Mr. Manning, of East Ham, whose striking pamphlets, What We Really Eat and Not by Bread Alone, have brought him well-deserved fame, was asked to join, but declined on the ground of party loyalty.

“Mr. Manning, of East Ham.”

The Duke of Sutherland, who had also been invited to sit, had instructed his private secretary to write to the same effect, expressing an ardent sympathy with the objects of the Committee, but recalling the great part he had played in Liberal politics for many years, and pointing out that he could better serve the cause by remaining attached to a party which he hoped to leaven by his example and oratory.

Mr. Benjamin Kidd, the first witness, deposed on oath that he was a philosopher. He begged leave to give his testimony in metaphysical language, as he could speak no other. After some consultation leave was granted, and the sworn interpreter at Scotland Yard was summoned by telephone.

“The Official Interpreter.”

Thus relieved, the witness swore that the synthesis of an agglomeration, real or imaginary—in plain words, of all thinkable congeries—was informed by an appreciation of its organic or inorganic character. He was far from saying that the organic and inorganic were separated by any hard and fast line, but he did maintain⸺

Mr. Chamberlain: I think that point is clear.

Mr. Benjamin Kidd, continuing, deposed that a political entity was emphatically of the former kind as to its consciousness. And without consciousness where were they? He then maintained it demonstrable beyond argument that all truisms, including altruism, lead to one central principle, namely, that in all inequalities differences appeared, for if they did not, then where were they? Applying this primordial and cosmic truth to the particular region of international exchange, he could but conclude that all material increment of res mercatoriæ must and did connote diminution of eorundem facilitas and vice versâ.

The witness here sat down, and the interpreter, who had been taking notes, declared in a loud voice that Mr. Kidd’s speech meant, in English, that the excess of imports was paid for in gold. (Murmurs of applause.)

The Lord Chancellor (emphatically): I always said it!

Mr. Chamberlain (triumphantly to Mr. Balfour): What about Seddon now?

Mr. Balfour (in some confusion): I never said anything against Seddon, besides which, who knows but what Kidd—

Here Mr. Kidd was observed to break down and sob bitterly; willing hands supported him to the Carlton, where first aid to the wounded was skilfully rendered by Doctor Sir Conan Doyle, V.C.... On recovering consciousness he attributed his agony to severance from the Great Liberal Party, of which he had so long been the most brilliant ornament. The distinguished physician, who had himself suffered such pangs, soothed him as best he could, and conveyed the news to the Committee, who were profoundly moved.

Mr. Chamberlain (solemnly): If this man dies, the Opposition will have a heavy weight upon its soul.

[The Committee here murmured their approval, and the Inquiry proceeded.]

Mr. Balfour: It is now our task, I think, to find by what issue the gold escapes, and to stop the leak.

Mr. Charles Griggs (expert) deposed: That such a gold export would require fifty-six vessels, each 500 ft. long by 45 broad with a draught of 27 ft.

Peter Garry (Private Detective in the pay of the Birmingham Caucus): “I have watched all the ports, and can swear that no such vessel, let alone fifty-six, has cleared with gold since July, 1902.”

In view of the difficulties raised by this witness, it was determined to call further testimony:

Peter Cale (porter) deposed to hauling great sacks of something hard and heavy on to the passenger boats at Dover last April. These sacks might very well have contained gold. Cross-examined: They might have contained almost anything else. They had no smell.

Martha Quinn (labourer’s wife) swore that she had often heard people, especially her husband’s master, say that a power of money went abroad to pay for foreign kickshaws. She herself had paid a considerable sum last year for Norwegian matches, American tobacco, German sausage, foreign tea, and all. Cross-examined as to where the tea came from, she said, after some hesitation, that she thought it came from Lipton.

Mr. Chamberlain (sternly): That is within this Empire.

Martha Quinn (curtseying) begged the pardon of the Court. She was ordered to stand down.

Mr. Thomas Hepton, draper, of Regent Street, W., swore that he sold in the past year some 50,000 or 60,000 cases of foreign woven stuffs, every one of which had to be paid for. The profit only remained in England.

Cross-examined: He did not himself pay for the goods in gold, but he gave a cheque upon his bankers, who doubtless sent the money abroad in packing cases, and all that went to the ⸺ foreigner.

Lord Lansdowne: Moderate your language.

Mr. Hepton: I am sorry, my lord, but if you had sent case after case of solid gold away to France week after week for ten years, you would feel as I do.

Mr. Haywood of Bicester, Mr. Calm of Stroud, Mr. Merry of Lincoln, Mr. Bowse of Lichfield, Mr. Hopper of Lancaster, Mr. Grape of Shrewsbury, &c., bank managers, swore that their business consisted almost wholly of handing out large masses of bullion daily to offensive people, many of whom had the appearance of foreigners.

“With the appearance of foreigners”

Lord Halsbury: All this is hearsay evidence, and not worth the paper it is written on.

During a short altercation between the legal and non-legal members of the Committee, a person at the back of the room leapt to his feet and demanded to be heard. He was permitted to speak, and deposed:

That he had been gathering statistics in the employment of a politician whose name he must conceal.

Mr. Balfour: I am afraid we must have that name.

Witness: May I send it up on a piece of paper?

Lord Halsbury: Is he a peer?

Witness: No, my lord.

Lord Halsbury: Well, is he a person of importance?

Witness (eagerly): Oh! yes, my lord.

Lord Halsbury (after consulting his colleagues): We do not think his name material. Proceed.

Witness (in an emphatic manner): The facts I have to produce are simple. They are well known. It is their meaning which has escaped the public. When the meaning is grasped it will amply account for our great annual loss of gold.

(Here the Committee betrayed an interest bordering on frenzy, leaning forward and fixing burning eyes on the witness, who continued:)

“The number of passenger tickets taken at the ports of this country is over 12 millions annually. (Sensation.) Ships’ crews (excluding coasters), fishermen running across to the continent, fugitive criminals, and King’s messengers bring the number up to 18 millions. (Sensation.) Not one of these 18 millions leaves without a sum of money ... many carry away immense sums ... our office can prove that the very clergy in their annual excursions will carry 20, 30, nay, 100 pounds a family. (Sensation.) How many return with any money at all? (Here the speaker made a dramatic pause.) ... I have little more to add. The total sum so lost by innumerable outlets amounts certainly to 200, possibly to 230, million pounds. England is a sieve.”

Witness here left the box, and the Committee rose in a state of seething excitement, several of the more commonplace members repeating mechanically, “A sieve!” “A regular sieve!” “Poor old England is a sieve!”

Mr. Chamberlain looked radiant in a black frock coat and top hat, with boots to match, and a flower of some kind in his buttonhole, while Mr. Balfour was quite cheerful and vivacious. As the Court rose the opinion was freely expressed that the day’s work has given the Cause a great lift forward.

TECHNICAL INFORMATION.

The third meeting of the Grand Committee of Inquest, commissioned under the Privy Seal of Great Britain and Ireland and the Dominions beyond the Seas, met at Downing Street this week to further explore—we mean, to explore further—the Fiscal Conditions of this Realm of England.

The late arrival of the members of the Committee gave rise to some anxious talk in the passage which corresponds to the Lobby of the House in Downing Street. The wildest rumours were afloat. Some said that Mr. Chamberlain had resigned; others that he had committed suicide. The more sober would have it that the inquest was indefinitely postponed, and that the whole scheme for protecting or not protecting native industries, or food, or what-not, as the Inquiry might or might not have shown to be necessary, or unnecessary, or either, was to be dropped. Among the adherents of the latter (or former) opinion were several journalists, a bishop, four diplomats, and an economist.

All doubts were set at rest by the arrival at 3.35 or thereabouts of the first members of the Committee and two members of the Birmingham “gang.” Three-quarters of an hour later Mr. Balfour was towed up in his motor-car, and the Court opened.

The business before the Court this morning was to receive the testimony of some fifty-eight witnesses on the technical details of our chief industries, and to hear their views on special points; especially on the inroads made by foreign competition in matters of construction.

A definition having been asked of where “technical detail” began, the Prime Minister refused to define the matter, but he ventured so far as to ask a question—whether there were not foreigners in the habit of substituting in small but essential parts of machinery patterns to which we, being of a superior race, could not stoop without changing the very conditions of our psychology? It was more or less upon these lines (said the Prime Minister) that the questions—if they could be called questions—were, so to speak, to proceed; and he hoped that the answers they should receive, using the word “answers” in its most general sense, would on the whole conform to some such conception of the duties more or less before them. (Applause.)

The first witness to be called was the Times economist, who refused to reveal his real name. Being threatened with the torture, he confessed to several aliases. He admitted to having signed many letters before this above the pseudonym of “Verax,” and, more lately, above those of “A Conservative Working-Man” and “A Disgusted Liberal.” He was not specially paid for these articles: it was all in the day’s work.

Cross-examined: He admitted to having written for the Daily Telegraph; he was not “Maude” of Chit-Chat. Asked whether he were the “Revenue Officer” of pious memory, he denied the imputation—or, as he called it, the “soft impeachment”—with the utmost violence. He also denied any connection, direct or indirect, with the “Times Encyclopædia,” the “Times System of Payment by Instalments,” the “Parnell Letters,” the “Hawkesley Letters,” the “Jameson Raid,” the “Argument upon the Mortality in the Concentration Camps,” the recent “Roman Correspondence,” the Times “Dramatic Criticism,” and “The Industrial Freedom League,” and, indeed, everything else connected with that journal. The witness here swore with some heat, the ingenuous colour mounting to his cheeks, that he had never changed a date, nor forged nor garbled a letter, nor taken South African shares, nor suppressed evidence, nor done any of these things.

Counsel (suavely): My dear Mr. (I really do not know your name), when has there been a bare suggestion of anything of the kind?

Witness (hotly): I could see very well where your questions were driving.

When this little scene had come to an end, the witness proceeded to give evidence that the great mass of imported manufactured goods were loaded with damnable contraptions, with the undoubted object of destroying our own industry, and of supplanting them by that of the foreigner. He quoted statistics to show that the iron trade, the textile trade of Lancashire, the plain chair and kitchen table trade of High Wycombe, the boot, shoe, and slipper trade, the cork trade, the shipbuilding trade, the glue and gum trade, the fishbone manure trade, and the manufacture of cheese had declined during the last fifteen years from 10 to 30 per cent. He ascribed this deplorable breakdown partly to the ignorance of technical detail prevalent among politicians, but more to the devilish contrivances which gave foreign machinery a specious appearance of superiority to our own. He thought it could be proved that no one of these trades would have declined or disappeared had not Britain suffered from this most unjust and tricky form of competition. He was confident of one thing—that unless the

greatest attention was given by the Committee to what he called “Spade-work,” uninteresting but essential matters of fact, it was all up with the Empire.

Mr. Balfour (with some hesitation): All this is mere assertion.

Witness (calmly): Upon assertion every great religion has been built.

Mr. Balfour (seraphically): You are quite right. I have always maintained that the analytical function, and even the quasi-postulated phenomena of the senses⸺

“I have always maintained”

A Voice: Shut up!