List of Illustrations

Cover

Frontispiece

Titlepage

Well I'm Dem'd

One for the Old Maid

The Old Man Stabbed

Maple Syrup for One

Great God, Hanner, We Are Blowed Up

By Low Baby

The Old Man, the Hired Girl and The Goat

After the Earthquake Was Over

Uncle Tom and Topsy

The Minister and Deacons Salted

The Sunday School Teachers First Appearance on Stage

Pa Was All Tied up

Fourth of July Misadventures

Hennery, Your Pa is a Mighty Sick Man

DETAILED CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I. CHAPTER I. VARIEGATED DOGS—THE BAD BOY SLEEPS ON THE ROOF—A MAN DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING AT FORTY-EIGHT—THE OLD MAN WANTS SOME POLLYNURIOUS WATER—THE DYER'S DOGS—PROCESSION OF THE DOGS—PINK, BLUE, GREEN AND WHITE—“WELL, I'M DEM'd”—HIS PA DON'T APPRECIATE. CHAPTER II. CHAPTER II. HIS PA PLAYS JOKES—A MAN SHOULDN'T GET MAD AT A JOKE—THE MAGIC BOUQUET—THE GROCERY MAN TAKES A TURN—HIS PA TRIES THE BOUQUET AT CHURCH—ONE FOR THE OLD MAID—A FIGHT ENSUES—THE BAD BOY THREATENS THE GROCERY man—A COMPROMISE. CHAPTER III. CHAPTER III. HIS PA STABBED—THE GROCERY MAN SETS A TRAP IN VAIN—A BOOM IN LINIMENT—HIS PA GOES TO THE LANGTRY SHOW—THE BAD BOY TURNS BURGLAR—THE OLD MAN STABBED—HIS ACCOUNT OF THE FRAY—A GOOD SINGLE HANDED LIAR. CHAPTER IV. CHAPTER IV. HIS PA BUSTED—THE CRAZE FOR MINING STOCK—WHAT'S A BILK?—THE PIOUS BILK—THE OLD MAN INVESTS—THE DEACONS AND EVEN THE HIRED GIRLS INVEST—HOT MAPLE SYRUP FOR ONE—GETTING A MAN'S MIND OFF HIS TROUBLES. CHAPTER V. CHAPTER V. HIS PA AND DYNAMITE—THE OLD MAN SELLING SILVER

STOCK—FENIAN SCARE—“DYNAMITE” IN MILWAUKEE—THE FENIAN BOOM—“GREAT GOD, MANNER! WE ARE BLOWED UP!”—HIS MA HAS LOTS OF SAND—THE OLD MAN USELESS IN TROUBLE—THE DOG AND THE FALSE TEETH CHAPTER VI. CHAPTER VI. HIS PA AN ORANGEMAN—THE GROCERY MAN SHAMEFULLY ABUSED—HE GETS HOT—BUTTER, OLEOMARGARINE AND AXLE GREASE—THE OLD MAN WEARS ORANGE ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY—HE HAS TO RUN FOR HIS LIFE—THE BAD BOY AT SUNDAY SCHOOL—INGERSOLL AND BEECHER VOTED OUT—MARY HAD A LAMB CHAPTER VII. CHAPTER VII. HIS MA DECEIVES HIM—THE BAD BOY IN SEARCH OF SAFFRON—“WELL, IT'S A GIRL, IF YOU MUST KNOW”—THE BAD BOY IS GRIEVED AT HIS MA'S DECEPTION— “SH-H-H TOOTSY GO TO SLEEP”—“BY LOW, BABY”—THAT SETTLED IT WITH THE CAT—A BABY! BAH! IT MAKES ME TIRED CHAPTER VIII. CHAPTER VIII. THE BABY AND THE GOAT. THE BAD BOY THINKS HIS SISTER WILL BE A FIRE ENGINE—“OLD NUMBER TWO”—BABY REQUIRES GOAT MILK—? THE GOAT IS FRISKY—TAKES TO EATING ROMAN CANDLES—THE OLD MAN, THE HIRED GIRL, AND THE GOAT—THE BAD BOY BECOMES TELLER IN A LIVERY STABLE CHAPTER IX.

CHAPTER IX. A FUNERAL PROCESSION—THE BAD BOY ON CRUTCHES—“YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE MINISTER”—AN ELEVEN DOLLAR FUNERAL—THE MINISTER TAKES THE LINES—AN EARTHQUAKE—AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE WAS OVER—THE POLICEMAN FANS THE MINISTER—A MINISTER SHOULD HAVE SENSE CHAPTER X. CHAPTER X. THE OLD MAN MAKES A SPEECH. THE GROCERY MAN AND THE BAD BOY HAVE A FUSS—THE BOHEMIAN BAND—THE BAD BOY ORGANIZES A SERENADE—“BABY MINE”—THE OLD MAN ELOQUENT—THE BOHEMIANS CREATE A FAMINE—THE Y. M. C. A. ANNOUNCEMENT CHAPTER XI. CHAPTER XI. GARDENING UNDER DIFFICULTIES—THE GROCERY MAN IS DECEIVED—THE BAD BOY DON'T LIKE MOVING—GOES INTO THE COLORING BUSINESS—THE OLD MAN THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED—UNCLE TOM AND TOPSY—THE OLD MAN ARRESTED—WHAT THE GROCERY MAN THINKS—THE BAD BOY MORALIZES ON HIS FATE—RESOLVES TO BE GOOD CHAPTER XII. CHAPTER XII. THE OLD MAN SHOOTS THE MINISTER—THE BAD BOY TRIES TO LEAD A DIFFERENT LIFE—MURDER IN THE AIR—THE OLD MAN AND HIS FRIENDS GIVE THEMSELVES AWAY—DREADFUL STORIES OF THEIR WICKED YOUTH—THE CHICKEN COOP INVADED—THE

OLD MAN TO THE RESCUE—THE MINISTER AND THE DEACONS SALTED CHAPTER XIII. CHAPTER XIII. THE BAD BOY A THOROUGHBRED. THE BAD BOY WITH A BLACK EYE—A POOR FRIENDLESS GIRL EXCITES HIS PITY—PROVES HIMSELF A GALLANT KNIGHT—THE OLD MAN IS CHARMED AT HIS SON'S COURAGE—THE GROCERY MAN MORALIZES—FIFTEEN CHRISTS IN MILWAUKEE—THE TABLES TURNED—THE OLD MAN WEARS THE BOY'S OLD CLOTHES CHAPTER XIV. CHAPTER XIV. ENTERTAINING Y. M. C. A. DELEGATES—THE BAD BOY MINISTERS AT THE Y. M. C. A. WATER FOUNTAIN—THE DELEGATES FLOOD THEMSELVES WITH SODA WATER—TWO DELEGATES DEALT TO HIS MA—THE NIGHT KEY—THE FALL OF THE FLOWER STAND—DELEGATES IN THE CELLAR ALL NIGHT—THE BAD BOY'S GIRL IS WORKING HIS REFORMATION CHAPTER XV. CHAPTER XV. HE TURNS SUPE. THE BAD BOY QUITS JERKING SODA—ENTERS THE DRAMATIC PROFESSION—“WHAT'S A SUPER”—THE PRIVILEGES OF A SUPE'S FATHER—BEHIND THE SCENES—THE BAD BOY HAS PLAYED WITH MC'CULLOUGH—“IWAS THE POPULACE.”—PLAYS IT ON HIS SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER—“I PRITHEE, AU RESERVOIR, I GO HENS!” CHAPTER XVI. CHAPTER XVI.

UNCLE EZRA PAYS A VISIT. UNCLE EZRA CAUSES THE BAD BOY TO BACKSLIDE—UNCLE EZRA AND THE OLD MAN WERE BAD PILLS—THEIR RECORD IS AWFUL—KEEPING UNCLE EZRA ON THE RAGGED EDGE—THE BED SLATS FIXED—THE OLD MAN TANGLED UP—THIS WORLD IS NOT RUN RIGHT—UNCLE EZRA MAKES HIM TIRED CHAPTER XVII. CHAPTER XVII. HE DISCUSSES THEOLOGY. MEDITATIONS ON NOAH'S ARK—THE GARDEN OF EDEN—THE ANCIENT DUDE—ADAM WITH A PLUG HAT ON—“I'M A THINKER FROM THINKERSVILLE”—THE APOSTLES IN A PATROL WAGON—ELIJAH AND ELISHA—THE PRODIGAL SON—A VEAL POT PIE FOR DINNER CHAPTER XVIII. CHAPTER XVIII. THE DEPARTED ROOSTER. THE GROCERY MAN DISCOURSES ON DEATH—THE DEAD ROOSTER—A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH—THE TENDERNESS BETWEEN THE ROOSTER AND HIS FAITHFUL HEN—THE HEN RETIRES TO SET—THE CHICKENS—THE PROUD ROOSTER DIES—THE FICKLE HEN FLIRTING IN INDECENT HASTE CHAPTER XIX. CHAPTER XIX. ONE MORE JOKE ON THE OLD MAN—UNCLE EZRA RETURNS—THE BASKET ON THE STEPS—THE ANONYMOUS LETTER—“O, BROTHER THAT I SHOULD LIVE TO SEE THIS DAY!”—AN UGLY DUTCH BABY—THE

OLD MAN WHEELS THE BABY NOW—A FROG IN THE OLD MAN'S BED CHAPTER XX. CHAPTER XX. FOURTH OF JULY MISADVENTURES. TROUBLE IN THE PISTOL POCKET—THE GROCERY MAN'S CAT THE BAD BOY A MINISTERING ANGEL—ASLEEP ON THE FOURTH OF JULY—GOES WITH HIS GIRL TO THE SOLDIER'S HOME—TERRIBLE. FOURTH OF JULY MISADVENTURES—THE GIRL WHO WENT OUT COMES BACK A BURNT OFFERING CHAPTER XXI. CHAPTER XXI. WORKING ON SUNDAY. TURNING A GRINDSTONE IS HEALTHY—“NOT ANY GRINDSTONE FOR HENNERY!”—THIS HYPOCRISY IS PLAYED OUT—ANOTHER JOB ON THE OLD MAN—HOW THE DAYS OF THE WEEK GOT MIXED—THE NUMEROUS FUNERALS—THE MINISTER APPEARS—THE BAD BOY GOES OVER THE BACK FENCE CHAPTER XXII. CHAPTER XXII. THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED. THE OLD MAN BEGINS DRINKING AGAIN—THINKS BETTING IS HARMLESS—HAD TO WALK HOME FROM CHICAGO—THE SPECTACLES CHANGED—A SMALL SUIT OF CLOTHES—THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED—“HENNERY, YOUR PA IS A MIGHTY SICK MAN”—THE SWELLING SUDDENLY GOES DOWN CHAPTER XXIII. CHAPTER XXIII. THE GROCERY MAN AND THE GHOST. GHOSTS DON'T STEAL WORMY FIGS—A GRAND

REHEARSAL—THE MINISTER MURDERS HAMLET—THE WATER MELON KNIFE—THE OLD MAN WANTED TO REHEARSE THE DRUNKEN SCENE IN RIP VAN WINKLE—NO HUGGING ALLOWED—HAMLET WOULDN'T HAVE TWO GHOSTS—“HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE AN IDIOT?” CHAPTER XXIV. CHAPTER XXIV. THE CRUEL WOMAN AND THE LUCKLESS DOG—THE BAD BOY WITH A DOG AND A BLACK EYE—WHERE DID YOU STEAL HIM?—ANGELS DON'T BREAK DOGS' LEGS—A WOMAN WHO BREAKS DOGS' LEGS HAS NO SHOW WITH ST. PETER—ANOTHER BURGLAR SCARE—THE GROCERY DELIVERY MAN SCARED CHAPTER XXV. CHAPTER XXV. THE BAD BOY GROWS THOUGHTFUL—WHY IS LETTUCE LIKE A GIRL?—KING SOLOMON A FOOL—THINK OF ANY SANE MAN HAVING A THOUSAND WIVES—HE WOULD HAVE TO HAVE TWO HOTELS DURING VACATION—300 BLONDES—600 BRUNETTES, ETC.—A THOUSAND WIVES TAKING ICE CREAM—“I DON'T ENVY SOLOMON HIS THOUSAND” CHAPTER XXVI. CHAPTER XXVI. FARM EXPERIENCES. THE BAD BOY WORKS ON A FARM FOR A DEACON—HE KNOWS WHEN HE HAS GOT ENOUGH—HOW THE DEACON MADE HIM FLAX AROUND—AND HOW HE MADE IT WARM FOR THE DEACON CHAPTER XXVII.

DRINKING CIDER IN THE CELLAR—THE DEACON WILL NOT ACCEPT HENNERY'S RESIGNATION—HE WANTS BUTTER ON HIS PANCAKES—HIS CHUM JOINS HIM—THE SKUNK IN THE CELLAR—THE POOR BOY GETS THE “AGER.”

CHAPTER I.

VARIEGATED DOGS—THE BAD BOY SLEEPS ON THE KOOP—A MAN DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING AT FORTY-EIGHT—THE OLD MAN WANTS SOME POLLYNURIOUS WATER—THE DYER'S DOGS—PROCESSION OP THE DOGS—PINK, BLUE, GREEN AND WHITE—“WELL I'M DEM'D—HIS PA DON'T APPRECIATE.

“How do you and your Pa get along now,” asked the grocery-man of the bad boy, as he leaned against the counter instead of sitting down on a stool while he bought a bottle of liniment.

“O, I don't know. He don't seem to appreciate me. What he ought to have is a deaf and dumb boy, with only one leg, and both arms broke—then he could enjoy a quiet life. But I am too gay for Pa, and you needn't be surprised if you never see me again. I talk of going off with a circus. Since I played the variegated dogs on Pa, there seems to have been a coldness in the family, and I sleep on the roof.

“Variegated dogs,” said the store keeper, “what kind of a game is that? You have not played another Daisy trick on your Pa, have you?”

“Oh, no, it was nothing of that kind. You know Pa thinks he is smart. He thinks because he is forty-eight years old he knows it all; but it don't seem to me as though a man of his age, that had sense, would let a tailor palm off on him a pair of pants so tight that he would have to use a button-hook to button them; but they can catch him on everything, just as though he was a kid smoking cigarettes. Well, you know Pa drinks some. That night the new club opened he came home pretty fruitful, and next morning his head ached so he said he would buy me a dog if I would go down town and get a bottle of pollynurious water for him. You know that dye house on Grand avenue, where they have got the four white spitz dogs. When I went after the penurious water, I noticed they had been coloring their dogs with the dye stuff, and I put up a job with the dye man's little boy to help me play it on Pa. They had one dog dyed pink, another blue, another red, and another green, and I told the boy I would treat him to ice cream if he would let one out at a time, when I came down with Pa, and

call him in and let another out, and when we started to go away, to let them all out. What I wanted to do was to paralyze Pa, and make him think he had got 'em, got dogs the worst way. So, about ten o'clock when his head got cleared off, and his stomach got settled, he changed ends with his cuffs, and we came down town, and I told him I knew where he could get a splendid white spitz dog for me, for five dollars; and if he would get it, I would never do anything disrespectful again, and would just sit up nights to please him, and help him up stairs and get seltzer for him. So we went by the dye house, and just as I told him I didn't want anything but a white dog, the door opened, and the pink dog came out and barked at us, and I said 'that's him' and the boy called him back. Pa looked as though he had the colic, and his eyes stuck out, and he said 'Hennery, that is a pink dog?' and I said 'no, it is a white dog, Pa,' and just then the green dog came out, and I asked Pa if it wasn't a pretty white dog, and and he turned pale and said 'hell, boy, that is a green dog—what's

got into the dogs?' I told him he must be color blind, and was feeling in my pocket for a strap to tie the dog, and telling him he must be careful of his health or he would see something worse than green dogs, when the green dog went in, and the blue dog came rushing out and barked at Pa. Well, Pa leaned against a tree box, and his eyes stuck out like stops on an organ, and the sweat was all over his face in drops as big as kernels of hominy.

“I think a boy ought to do everything he can to make it pleasant for his Pa, don't you. And yet some parents don't realize what a comfort a boy is. The blue dog was called in, and just as Pa wiped the perspiration off his forehead, and rubbed his eyes and put on his specks, the red maroon dog came out. Pa acted as if he was tired, and sat down on a horse block. Dogs do make some people tired, don't they? He took hold of my hand, and his hand trembled just as though he was putting a gun wad in the collection plate at church, and he said, 'My son, tell me truly, is that a red dog?'”

“A fellow has got to lie a little if he is going to have any fun with his Pa, and I told him it was a white dog, and I could get it for five dol-dars. He straightened up just as the dog went into the house, and said 'Well, I'm dem'd;' and just then the boy let all the dogs out and sicked them on a cat, which ran up a shade tree right near Pa, and they rushed all around us—the blue dog going between his legs, and the green dog trying to climb the tree, and the pink dog barking, and the red dog standing on his hind feet.

“Pa was weak as a cat, and told me to go right home with him, and he would buy me a bicycle. He asked me how many dogs there were, and what was the color of them. I s'pose I did awful wrong, but I told him there was only one dog, and a cat, and the dog was white.

“Well, sir, Pa acted just as he did the night Hancock was beat, and he had to have the doctor to give him something to quiet him (the time he wanted me to go right down town and buy a hundred rat traps, but the doctor said never mind, I needn't go). I took him home and Ma soaked his feet, and give him some ginger tea, and while I was gone after the doctor he asked Ma if she ever saw a green dog.

“That was what made all the trouble. If Ma had kept her mouth shut I would have been all right, but she up and told him that they had a green dog, and a blue dog, and all colors of spitz dogs down at the dyers. They dyed them just for an advertisement, and for him to be quiet and he would feel better when he got over it. Pa was all right when I got back and told him the doctor had gone to Wauwatosa, and I had left an order on his slate. Pa said he would leave an order on my slate. He took a harness tug and used it for breeching on me. I don't think a boy's Pa ought to wear a harness on his son, do you? He said he would learn me to play rainbow dogs on him. He said I was a liar, and he expected to see me wind up in Congress. Say, is Congress anything like Waupun or Sing Sing? No, I can't stay, thank you, I must go down to the office and tell Pa I have reformed, and freeze him out of a circus ticket. He is a a good enough man, only he don't appreciate a a boy that has got all the modern improvements. Pa and Ma are going to enter me in the Sunday school. I guess I'll take first money,

don't you?”

And the bad boy went out with a visible limp, and a look of genius cramped for want of opportunity.

CHAPTER II.

HIS PA PLAYS JOKES—A MAN SHOULDN'T GET MAD AT A JOKE—THE MAGIC BOUQUET—THE GROCERY MAN TAKES A TURN—HIS PA TRIES THE BOUQUET AT CHURCH—ONE FOR THE OLD MAID—A FIGHT ENSUES— THE BAD BOY THREATENS THE GROCERY MAN—A COMPROMISE.

“Say, do you think a little practical joke does any hurt,” asked the bad boy of the grocery man, as he came in with his Sunday suit on, and a bouquet in his button-hole, and pried off a couple of figs from a new box that had been just opened.

“No sir,” said the groceryman, as he licked off the syrup that dripped from a quart measure, from which he had been filling a jug. “I hold that a man who gets mad at a practical joke, that is, one that does not injure him, is a fool, and he ought to be shunned by all decent people. That's a nice bouquet you have in your coat. What is it, pansies? Let me smell of it,” and the grocery man bent over in front of the boy to take a whiff at the bouquet. As he did so a stream of water shot out of the innocent looking bouquet and struck him full in the face, and run down over his shirt, and the grocery man yelled murder, and fell over a barrel of axe helves and scythe snaths, and then groped around for a towel to wipe his face.

“You condemn skunk,” said the grocery man to the boy, as he took up an axe-helve and started for him, “what kind of a golblasted squirt gun have you got there. I will maul you, by thunder,” and he rolled up his shirt sleeves.

“There, keep your temper. I took a test vote of you on the subject of practical jokes, before the machine began to play upon the conflagration that was raging on your whiskey nose, and you said a man that would get mad at a joke was a fool, and now I know it. Here, let me show it to you. There is a rubber hose runs from the bouquet, inside my coat to my pants pocket, and there is a bulb of rubber, that holds about half a pint, and when a feller smells of the posey, I squeeze the bulb, and you see the result. It's fun, where you don't squirt it on a person that gets mad.”

The grocery man said he would give the boy half a pound of figs if he would lend the bouquet to him for half an hour, to play it on a customer, and the boy fixed it on the grocery man, and turned the nozzle so it would squirt right back into the grocery man's face. He tried it on the first customer that come in, and got it right in his own face, and then the bulb in his pants pocket got to leaking, and the rest of the water ran down the grocery man's trouser's leg, and he gave it up in disgust, and handed it back to the boy.

“How was it your Pa had to be carried home from the sociable in a hack the other night?” asked the grocery man, as he stood close to the stove so his pants leg would dry. “He has not got to drinking again, has he?”

“O, no,” said the boy, as he filled the bulb with vinegar, to practice on his chum, “It was this bouquet that got Pa into the trouble. You see I got Pa to smell of it, and I just filled him chuck full of water. He got mad and called me all kinds of names, and said I was no good on earth, and I would fetch up in state's prison, and then he wanted to borrow it to wear to the sociable. He said he would have more fun than you could shake a stick at, and I asked him if he didn't think he would fetch up in state's prison, and he said it was different with a man. He said when a man played a joke there was a certain dignity about it that was lacking in a boy. So I lent it to him, and we all went to the sociable in the basement of the church. I never see Pa more kitteny than he was that night. He filled the bulb with ice water, and the first one he got to smell of his button-hole bouquet was an old maid who thinks Pa is a heathen, but she likes to be made something of by anybody that wears pants, and when Pa sidled up to

her and began talking about what a great work the christian wimmen of the land were doing in educating the heathen, she felt real good, and then she noticed Pa's posey in his button-hole and she touched it, and then she reached over her beak to smell of it. Pa he squeezed the bulb, and about half a teacupful of water struck her right in the nose, and some went into her strangle place, and O, my, didn't she yell.”