AS-CRIPTION.

HAIL blest stupidity! impervious shield Of dullness hail! No thorn in all the field Of reason, wit, or satire, hath been found, Could reach thy soul in toughest bull-hide bound!

Refreshingly unconscious thou dost graze Amid the brambles of sublunar ways, In rare beatitude of placid soul, Thy skin unbroken sound and whole;

Smiling serene, while scratches, wounds, and pricks Of fate adverse, and fame’s vexatious tricks, Which goad the thinner skinned to agony, But prove a pleasing stimulant to thee.

How almost enviable is such state. Where angels of bliss indifferent await To keep the stinging brood of scorn at bay, And turn the keener darts of love away;— Where grateful thistles bloom the live-long day, And long ears wave triumphant at each bray.

PRELUDE.

Ye Gods assist! aid me ye heav’nly nine! Let all your pow’rs cooperate with mine, Justly to celebrate the theme divine Of woman hatching into masculine. From high empyrean descend, ye Graces,

If there ye dwell, (if not where’er the place is,—) Unlock, ye Sciences, ye Arts, prepare Donations rich from water earth and air! Unite, O Poesy, in one bright chain All metaphors both sacred and profane! Fuse, all ye elements, for this my story In one great holocaust to female glory. So may the bard in worthy style proclaim The Amazonian honor, name, and fame; And so to all posterity transmit Those deeds redoubtable in measures fit,— That wond’rous story, born on earthly sod, Disperse through all the universe of God. I sing the birth of th’ Amazonian age Whose rampant outcoming may well engage The philosophic thought of wrinkled sage, The poets flippant measure, and the page 5Where history records, with equal care, The most important and the least affair. No feeble, helpless waif was born that day,— Feeling to life, its weak uncertain way, With gentle breath, a thought of heav’n that lingers, Kissing its velvet lips and waxen fingers. But, sooth to say, a fierce volcanic child Tore into being, amid orgies wild. Begot of unrest, conceived of unreason,

Carried in envy and born out of season, It burst on the world a monster, a fright, A meteor baleful, a mildew and blight, A terror, like the fabled torch of yore A mother dreaming, in speechless anguish bore; A Ghoul, half human, shapeless monster half, Not quite a kangaroo, not quite giraffe, With countless social improprieties, Weak indiscretions, contrarieties— A bundle of irregularities With woman’s skin to wrap its rarities. A child of many hopes which proved to be A harpy foul of evil augury. Its upper half boxer—like brawny and strong, The members termed nether were scrawny and long; And ended in fixtures quite fit for its trade— Huge talons, like buzzard’s, for tearing things, made. It’s nose might have stood for a Monitor’s pride,— A cutwater shapely to buffet the tide, With “noli me tangere” carved deep and wide In wrinkles upturning with scorn either side. The tongue was a marvel of skill and design; ’Twas snake like and forked, but the forkings were nine, 6A complicate unit, a digitate thing. Each digit played loose, and was armed with a sting

Which was death—the whole waved like banner unfurled From its foam-covered mouth, defiantly curled— A gulf that was yawning to swallow a world. Carnivora genus ’twas easy to see, Whose serrated tushes, tho’ frightful may be, Could rip reputation, in style mighty free. Its caudal appendage, reluctant to show, Sharp-pointed, like workers’ in brimstone below, Curves fiercely behind it, and, lashing the air Shall sting itself writhing in final despair. Me Hercle! what simile, metaphor true, The vision can render that breaks on the view, When upward we wander and meditate where The glory of woman is crowned by her hair? The muse is uncertain, but rather prefers The quills of the hedgehog with some kind of burrs, Whose clinging tenacity savors of what When speaking of woman is never forgot;— Which scatter a shower of deadliest darts From arsenal copious of stingings and smarts, O’er optics that twinkle with serpent-like arts. So, coming at random, unblest by the bans, ’Twas fondled by Katies, and coddled by Fans, And doctored according to recentest plans;

To embraces bony was savagely folded, On bosoms of granite was badgered and scolded. The grannies in order to properly breed it, At outset like christians endeavored to feed it, But vainly; for, scorning all patent-right fixtures, Soft pap it rejected, and baby-milk mixtures. 7Away with your catnip, ye wrinkled viragos! Your soothing concoctions, your sops and your sagos— Give syrups of pepper, not weakly diluted, And waters of Marah—they’re charmingly suited Impulses to quicken, not easy computed. For solids use thistles, and thorns, and rough brambles— The fodder that asses collect in their rambles. A cabbage to give it agreeable savor, Is found in the meadows, of suitable flavor. Thus forage and fluids, with caution selected, ’Tis like, in the temper, will ripen reflected. One species of felines in manner befitting Will show in the impulse for scratching and spitting. Another polemic Grimalkin, I’ll venture, Peculiar sensation will wake by its stench, or There’s nothing in breeding, and feeding, and teaching, As doctors in physics and ethics are preaching.

Such regimen followed, with strictest attention, Will breed you more squabbles than scribblers can mention.

THE SANHEDRIM.

Wherein is found a full and true relation Of tribal gathering in convocation, Designed and called by sundry faded beauties, For reconstructing man’s revolted duties,

Of such discordant elements compounded, It ended in “confusion worse confounded”— A gossip’s ripping bee with rags to mend it,— A sick’ning witches stew with hags to tend it,— A love-feast gross—a sacrament absurd Of painted demirep and gallows bird— A woman’s carnival, a crazy fair— A vast impromptu home-made dinner where All projects wild and visionary schemings, Licentious crudities and zealots dreamings Unwashed were tumbled in—each other spoiling— 9One single, mighty cauldron, hot and boiling Till smell of everything but sulphur rose, And made creation gladly hold its nose. As erst, on tall Olympus thundering Jove Convened th’ assembly of the Gods above, In solemn council, ripe for high debate On mighty themes and grand affairs of state; So now, when envious hate had placed her throne,— When baseless jealousy was broadcast sown— When discontent had poisoned all the land— Ambition frenzied issued her command And congregated, drawn from lands afar, Women intent to wage the wordy war. By common impulse summoned to the field,

(Fledglings, eager their sprouting arms to wield In strife, for vain renown and empty fame, At honor’s cost and woman’s holy name,) They met to revolutionize the nation; To topple down all bars ’twixt sex and station— With reckless zeal and sacrilegious hand To upheave the social systems of the land; Forsooth, to cast their fancied Bastile down, And win unbounded license for their crown. Panting, in furious concourse gathered then This rabble rout, in uproar shaming men. Now might be seen, with faces brazen there, Beauty in ev’ry style from brown to fair Widows, with smiles and wiles in rare perfection, Seeking a mart for second hand affection. Old maids, whose charms tho’ wholly unprotected Blind man to seize had cruelly neglected. Unfortunate beings whom nature unkind 10Had stinted in powers of body or mind. Whom love had deluded or envy had sour’d, In gloomy recesses now huddled and cowered, Chewed cardamon fiercely and balefully glower’d; For want of affinities sadly complaining, Or bitterly mourning virginity waning.

But baffled and hampered by fate in their plan, They sought their misfortune to visit on man. The usual style—men glut themselves with evil Till sickened, cloyed; then charge it to the devil, And by perverted ethical provision Transform the harlot to the prince precision, Whose zealous dupes with saintly honors load her Dying in unction of a holy odor. Some few there were who, still for husbands angling Affect the opposite of rant and wrangling, Soft, sentimental bread-and-butter misses, Purring like kittens, and open to kisses. Bewildered by philanthrophy perverted, Of them naught good or bad could be asserted. Their souls, pervaded by some sleepy vapor, Emit a sickly light like penny taper. They curts’y, loll, and bend with sighs and fawning, With simp’ring smile their faces faintly dawning, And would, indeed they would (unheard of kindness!) Rejoice if man were healed of mental blindness. It pains their gentle souls ethereal, To view such waste of good material. If men would only see just how the case is And humbly sink to their intended places,—

Ah me! such stout convenient nasty creatures! Such splendid foils to woman’s lovely features! 11They’d be so useful in the she-millenium As butments for the grand proscenium! Doubtless such putty products sleek and glossy Some purpose serve, in esse or, in posse, Tho’ heaven knows one scarcely can believe it; Perhaps, as floating log, when sailors heave it, Declares their speed by rate at which they leave it, And so assists the nautical profession, These bubbles show society’s progression And earth the better is for their possession. Among the other wonders of creation Who sped in haste “from earth’s remotest nation” To magnify this great conglomeration, And darted icy jets from jetty eyes On all who dared oppose this high emprise, There came a certain pair, free lovers higho, Whose souls bemoaned their sex’s helpless plight, And sauntered, arm in arm, that crowd among, They usually were loud enough of tongue; But, having bolted dinner in advance, Confessed themselves, “two fools for utterance.” Twin sisters, they were called in gay pretense—

Sin twisters rightly, in a moral sense. Bold-eyed, they strode uneasy to and fro, Like tigers caged to complement the show Intensely lib’ral in their private action They scoff at mere conventional compaction; And, even edicts from the eternal throne, As far as promulgation makes them known, If framed to fetter spinster, wife, or “widder” But empty ceremonial consider. They hold themselves at liberty to cater 12To healthy promptings of their carnal “natur;” For this, they tell us, is a right attendant On our condition free and independent. Since God to rule our bodies has commanded, We’re bound to do it fair and even-handed, To ev’ry function deal impartial measure Of duty, worship, labor, and of pleasure. So, skillfully, they argue; whether truly, I own I’m unprepared to answer duly: For I’m not learn’d in law Levitical Nor skilled in “schemas” Jesuitical. We’ll therefore give a simple explanation, A truthful mathematic demonstration, Of fancy, fact, or whimsical delusion Toss’d on the surface of this wild confusion; Hoping the next or other generation

Will yield a bard of heavn’ly ordination Who, skill’d in ethical analysis May classify this rare catalysis: Who gifted with discriminative art Shall better know the tasteful pruner’s part. Him all the world with rapt’rous recognition Shall usher to his hardly-earned position, And cry “What have we here?” a poet new, Whom nature self hath sealed a poet true! With presence prompt to grace the grand occasion In force were seen the priests of that persuasion, Which runs the mail across the mystic border, And manufactures miracles to order. Nor think it strange such birds should flock together; For being clearly of a common feather, They find, tho’ not in visible connection, 13Their points objective in the same direction. “Id est,” while differing in the main design They operate a “non-competing line.” These winnow wisdom from a world of chaff The others suck it through a telegraph.

Of rhymster’s and scribblers some dozens were there, With intellects sadly in want of repair; Quite shrewdly divining their chances must be The fairest, where patching and darning were free; Reporters, whose need of sensations compelled them, Like rag-men, to dig in the gutters that held them; Sleek prelates, whom zeal for religion assisted To garble good logic, ’till, crooked and twisted, It argued that measures, tho’ wicked and hateful, If righteous in purpose, are healthy and grateful. So, deeming that suffrage and other such folly Might possibly benefit mother church holy; Nor seeing what future could ever prevent it From popular proving, their countenance lent it. And lawyers, whom oldest of records declare Distinguished for scenting the carcass afar, Came hotly careering and snuffing the air. The meeting included political hacks, Who carry the nation about on their backs, Nor wanted the proper admixture of quacks, Clairvoyants, and witches, magnetic magicians, And humbugs notorious, all sorts and conditions— The lightest of chaff, tossed loosely together

By turn of a chance, or freak of the weather. Like Quixotes exploiting with banner unfurled And license unbridled the shame of the world.

AUDITORIUM.

WITH passengers and boxes all aboard, With pitch abounding and with brimstone stored, With each convenience science can afford, With hellish flames beneath that hissed and roared,

A fearful dubitation rose, ’twould seem, What kind of cock would best let on the steam; Whether to open by singing or prayer, Or bang a gong, as most appropriate there, To start, with happy auspices, the train; Then let her run, till gudgeons hum again, ’Twas argued in a satisfact’ry way, By sapient functionary old and gray, Some kind of canticle must first be sung, To limber up the hinges of the tongue, 15That, loose in joint, the sisters might go in And glory in this Grand Palaver win. Proclamation for singists to volunteer Brought forth beldames wrinkled, rheumy, and blear, Gathered from some Sahara bleak and drear, While here and there, a flower sandwiched between, From some belated garden, might be seen. Giving this Pandemonium a choir, Which howled and screeched with a demoniac fire. From throats with agonizing spasms wrung, The notes in spiteful jerks and spurts were flung; And this the maniacal hymn they sung.

This song with mad applause and frenzied cheer The crowd received—from which it doth appear, “Music hath charms to tickle savage ear” Like storms terrestial, this infernal blow Died out, and business had some little show. Above the motley multitude presiding To give the necessary rule and guiding, An elephantine beauty coarse and hard, Of bust colossal, bearded like a bard, On democratic tripod throned in state, With visage wisely stolid, stiffly sate. She first essayed t’evoke, like Homer’s God, Order from chaos, by traditional nod. Through some mishap the mighty effort failing She rose and ’gan the stated song retailing. Sternly she waved her pasteboard truncheon high, 17While frowns the lack of queenly pow’r supply. Quite heavy was her plaint, beyond compare, And rendered with a true teutonic air. “Hail sisters! brothers hail! (if such there be From pride of sex and vulgar passion free.) This day when woman first begins to live, A welcome warm to all her friends I give— This day, in maidhood’s pure unsullied name True freedom and equality proclaim.

Here, even here, upon this dirty plank, With democratic juices foul and rank, Resurgent truth shall stand with new-born pow’r, And justice date from hence her natal hour. The place of birth, so far as I can see, Gives no complexion to the progeny. I therefore deem these walls, secure from danger, As fit for lying-in as any manger. (Don’t pun the term, nor term it pun—receive it Accordant with the emphasis I give it.) Eventful day! destined, if truth succeed, To be emancipation day indeed! My soul prophetic glows with inward fire!— My thoughts to loftier, heav’nlier flights aspire! I see futurity’s productive womb Impregnant with our bestial masters’ doom. With head exalted, upward turning eyes, Waiting to mount the zenith of the skies, I see the coming woman where she stands, On reason’s height, with free unfettered hands To dark forgetfulness cast all her bands! Her dress abbreviate, to suit the times, Displays the fair proportions of her limbs; 18While, poised like Ellsler on one dainty toe She points the other at the crowd below:

Thus showing at one end the bent to soar, At ’t’other, proper scorn for man, and more. Since strong desire, ’tis said, hath power still To work its own fulfillment, through the will, We soon shall see the sprouting of her wings And rare development of other things. Tremble tyrants! no more shall slavish chain Of sexual love our faculties restrain. Woman no more shall live like gilded toy, Your daily solace or your midnight joy. Each weak, effem’nate grace henceforth we scorn, And will no more of softer mould be born. No more will cling like ivy to the oak, (That horrible tho’ venerated joke,) No more will coo round man, like petted dove, To win the sweet amenities of love.— Nor pay in woman’s anguish and despair The costly tribute to his fost’ring care. We’ll grind the curse beneath our conqu’ring heel And heav’n itself besiege for its repeal. Let all the list’ning earth attend the hour When man shall abdicate the throne of pow’r; When woman shall assume supreme command, The sceptre of dominion in her hand. Delicate are we, forsooth! and so weak

Our feebleness must man’s protection seek! Fine phrases! Jugglers tricks! the gilded pill Wherewith man chloroforms us to his will. Look here! Behold my muscle, and then Decide if women need be slaves to men. 19I say ye’re victims to your childish fears And foolish impulse. Lo, these forty years I’ve trod the earth the vestal that you see “In maiden meditation fancy free,” And never one assailed my vig’rous charms Or dared adventure in their lusty arms. If wine ye drink and patronize good cheer Ye may aspire to such as I appear, Eat, drink, and act like man, and manly grace And strength will baby softness soon displace. And then, in fullness of parturient time, In some more favored land, some happier clime, Ah! then, emancipated, disenthralled, The weaker sex no longer basely called, Ships we’ll build, delve in mines; with sturdy blow, Will lay the “monarch of the forest” low: Quarry huge rocks, exalt the lofty tow’r, The ocean ride and breast the whirlwind’s pow’r— The pond’rous train, its head ablaze with light,

We’ll drive, like arrow, shooting through the night— Tame the wild horse, and charm the tiger’s rage— With deeds of valor brighten hist’ry’s page, And triumph o’er the world! So woman’s honor, Like robe of comfort loose shall hang upon her, To doff or don, convenient disguise: So all the world shall stare with wond’ring eyes, All trifles note, with imbecile surprise; Just how she wipes her nose, how wears her stocking, And barely smile when she does something shocking. Such meed hath earthly fame. But I forbear. These thema are not for me. Be mine the care To guide your counsels well. It follows next, 20That resolutions—something for a text— Some “thema” which you may at will discourse on,— A kind of banneret to centre force on— Are now in order.”

Thus, her task completed, The burly dignitary straight was seated. And while her speech excited some sensation Her ending fairly shook the whole foundation.