VAN ZORN

[ii]

THE MACMILLAN COMPANY NEW YORK · BOSTON · CHICAGO · DALLAS ATLANTA · SAN FRANCISCO MACMILLAN & CO., Limited LONDON · BOMBAY · CALCUTTA MELBOURNE THE MACMILLAN CO. OF CANADA, Ltd. TORONTO

[iii]

VAN ZORN

A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS

BY

EDWIN ARLINGTON ROBINSON

New York

THE MACMILLAN COMPANY

1914

All rights reserved

[iv]

Copyright, 1914 By THE MACMILLAN COMPANY Set up and electrotyped. Published September, 1914 Copyright in GREAT BRITAIN, All acting rights reserved by the author

[v]

TO HERMANN HAGEDORN

[vii]

VAN ZORN

[ix]

CHARACTERS

[1]

ACT I

[3]

Weldon Farnham’s studio in Macdougal Alley, New York. In the rear is a long window, beneath which is a wide cushioned seat, extending from the left wall to a vestibule on the right, from which a door, front, opens into the studio. The door is hidden by a tall screen. Further down on the right is another door, and still further down is an antique cabinet, upon which rests a bust of Shakespeare. To the left of the cabinet, well into the room, is a table, upon which are a few books and, among other objects, an ornamental cigar box of polished mahogany. Half way down the left wall, which is built diagonally into the stage, cutting off about one-third of the rear wall, is an open grate with a mantel. Well to the front, on the left, is an upright wheeling easel, upon which a framed portrait faces the rear. There are several chairs, for the most part plain and small; but one of them, near the table, to the left, is large and comfortable.

The curtain rises, revealing Weldon Farnham and Otto Mink. Farnham is a well-conditioned and well-satisfied man of thirty, or a little more, with a certain complacent hardness about his face, which suggests an aggressiveness that does not really exist. He stands surveying Otto, a younger man—short, plump, pink and loquacious—who in turn stands surveying the picture on the easel. His hands are in his trousers pockets, and he stands from time to time on the tips of his toes during the process of his scrutiny.

FARNHAM

[As if amused]

Well, Otto, aren’t you going to say something?

[4]

OTTO

[Slowly, with a frown]

So this is Villa Vannevar.⁠[1]⁠

[1] Pronounced Vannee´-vr.

FARNHAM

Not exactly. It’s a picture of her.

[Smiling]

You don’t care for it, I see—Lucas and Petherick think it’s rotten.

OTTO

Did Lucas say that?

FARNHAM

[Still amused]

No, but he smoked it. He might as well have said it.

OTTO

[Leaving the picture and lighting a cigarette]

You can’t always tell what Old Hundred means—when he doesn’t say anything. Or when he does, for that matter.

FARNHAM

[Smiling]

I’m sorry, Otto, that you don’t like the picture.

OTTO

[Showing his teeth]

There’s genius in it. Is that what you wanted me to say?

FARNHAM

But a poor likeness—eh?

[5]

OTTO

Likeness?—Farnham, you make me sick.

[Farnham scowls quickly and laughs]

I beg your pardon, but you do,—just now, I mean.

[With a sniff]

You and your pictures!

FARNHAM

[Laughing]

Are they all so bad as that, Otto?

OTTO

[Irritated]

I suppose it’s you that I’m talking about, not your pictures.

FARNHAM

[With patronage]

You don’t seem to be improving matters very much. What have I done?

OTTO

[With affectionate disgust]

You? You haven’t done anything. Destiny, or something or other, has done it for you.

FARNHAM

[Laughing]

But I don’t believe much in destiny. I believe in work.

OTTO

You didn’t work very hard to get the best girl in New York.

[6]

FARNHAM

If I didn’t know you, Otto, I might be offended.

[Laughing]

What’s the matter with you today, anyhow?

OTTO

[With all sincerity]

I understand. You think I’m jealous, but I’m not. I’m not such a dam fool.

FARNHAM

Otto, don’t be so impulsive.

[He laughs]

OTTO

Impulsive? You don’t know what the word means.

[With a grimace]

You might at least look glad, or say something foolish once in a while,—just to let a fellow know that you’re human.

FARNHAM

[Seriously]

I’ll take back a part of what I said, Otto. There may be a large element of destiny in my—we’ll say my very great good fortune.

[Laughing]

But I wouldn’t say as much as that to Van Zorn.

OTTO

Van Zorn? He’s a fatalist, isn’t he?

[7]

FARNHAM

[Laughing]

I don’t know just what he is. He’s the best man living, and he’s my best friend.

OTTO

[Cheerfully]

And he’s worth about how many millions?

FARNHAM

[With animation]

I don’t know. Twenty or twenty-five. I don’t care much about that part of it.

OTTO

You know, Farnham, I believe you when you say that.

[Moving to the Right]

If I didn’t, I shouldn’t hang around your place any more. You think you wouldn’t miss me if I didn’t, but you would. I’m a tender shoot, and I’m delicate, and you’ll be dam sorry when I’m dead.

[Otto pauses before the bust of Shakespeare, looks at it thoughtfully, places his hat upon it carefully, and surveys the result with satisfaction. Farnham watches him with patronizing amusement. Presently, when the two men stand looking at each other, the bell rings]

FARNHAM

[Looking at his watch]

That sounds like Lucas. It can’t be Mrs. Lovett—yet.

OTTO

It’s Old Hundred, I’ll bet a sequin. Let him in.

[8]

[Farnham admits George Lucas, who is a square-jawed and somewhat cadaverous looking man of thirty, with a melancholy and highly intellectual face. His clothes are well kept, but unmistakably the worse for wear, and there is a whimsical weariness in his manner that might be suggestive of latent tragedy. He looks at Farnham and Otto as if he expected them to say something]

OTTO

Good morning, Phœbus-Apollo.

LUCAS

[With a benignant smile]

Good morning.

[To Farnham, half quizzically]

Good morning.

[He looks at the decorated bust of Shakespeare, and then at Otto. He smiles once more and removes his hat, which Farnham takes and tosses on to window seat]

OTTO

Have you come to join the celebration?

LUCAS

Celebration of what?

OTTO

Oh, I don’t know. You take your choice. You might celebrate the publication of my new book, or you might celebrate the rotation of the planet Neptune—on his axis. Or, you might celebrate the engagement of our friend Farnham to the radiant Miss Villa Vannevar.

[9]

[Motioning towards the picture]

There she is—or, I should say, a picture of her.

LUCAS

[With gathering surprise and difficulty]

I have seen the picture, but I had not heard of the engagement.

[Giving his hand to Farnham, but as if with unconscious reluctance]

Farnham, let me congratulate you.

FARNHAM

[Taking his hand]

Thank you, Lucas.

[As Lucas goes towards the picture]

I fear that some of us get rather more than we deserve in this life.

LUCAS

[Affecting indifference]

Oh, I don’t know about that.

[Studying the picture]

So this is Villa Vannevar.

OTTO

[Promptly, with his hands in his pockets]

That’s what I said.

FARNHAM

[Comfortably]

Your congratulations are quite enough, Lucas. You needn’t feel obliged to praise the picture.

[10]

LUCAS

[Solemnly]

I wasn’t going to praise the picture.

OTTO

[Standing on his toes and grinning at Farnham with satisfaction]

“Heaven is not reached with a single bound.” You can’t have everything at once, Farnham, even if you are a genius. But you might give Lucas a drink, and you might give me a bottle of cold beer.

FARNHAM

[Amused]

In the morning, Otto? Isn’t this something new?

OTTO

[Nodding at the bust]

Shakespeare did it, and I wish to do everything that Shakespeare did—so far as in me lies.

FARNHAM

[Laughing, as if Otto were a child]

Well, all right, if I’ve got it.

[He goes out at the right, Lucas leaves the picture, frowning to himself, and returns to Otto, who is standing near the corner of the vestibule. Otto turns Lucas gently and assists him towards the cabinet, from which Lucas takes out a bottle of whiskey and a glass, going with them to the table nearby. Farnham returns with a bottle of beer and a glass]

FARNHAM

[After a look at Lucas]

Here you are, Stratford.

[11]

[Otto goes to the window seat]

Don’t you want some water, Lucas?

LUCAS

No, thank you. It won’t be necessary.

FARNHAM

[With mild insistence]

Better for the heart.

OTTO

[Prying the cap from the bottle]

Lucas hasn’t got any heart.

[He pours out a glass of beer with care]

Well, Farnham, you man of iron, morituri salutamus. I’m a tender shoot, and I shan’t be with you very long. Neither will Lucas, if he doesn’t drink some water one of these days.

[There is a sinister note in his last words, and it is evidently caught by the other men]

LUCAS

[With a dry flourish]

Farnham, you are a man of parts, and once more I congratulate you. I’m a man of parts myself, as a matter of fact, but some of my parts don’t exactly fit, and as a consequence

[With a hard, insincere laugh]

as a consequence, I—I rattle. Your health and happiness.

[He drinks, and shivers a little]

And now,

[12]

[Exploring the table]

If you will give me a small cigar

[He takes a large one from the box]

I’ll tell you what a great man you are going to be.

[He puts back the bottle and moves again towards the picture]

FARNHAM

[Who has been watching Lucas with a patronizing smile]

And now if you two fellows will kindly make yourselves at home, I’ll be back in a little while. I’m going over to Petherick’s to get some photographs of his comical bust of Poe for Mrs Lovett; and if anyone comes in while I’m gone, I’ll trust you two to be agreeable.

LUCAS

[Nervously]

But what does this mean, Farnham? If you expected visitors, why didn’t you say so?

FARNHAM

[Soothingly]

They are coming to see the picture in its new frame.

[Hesitating]

Of course you remember Mrs. Lovett—and Villa Vannevar?

LUCAS

[In a dry voice]

Yes, I remember them. Villa Vannevar and I used to be rather good friends.

[Indifferently]

But I doubt if Mrs Lovett remembers me.

[13]

FARNHAM

[At the door]

She must.

LUCAS

[Sitting down]

Why do you say that?

FARNHAM

She must,—for you are not the kind that women forget.

[He laughs and goes out, and Lucas follows him with his eyes. He remains for a time as if in retrospection]

OTTO

[From the window seat, after a pause]

It seems to me that Farnham might have done a little better than that.

[Lucas gives him a quick look]

But I don’t know,

[In half soliloquy]

perhaps he couldn’t, after all.

[Otto studies the beer-bottle as if it were a rare vase, and Lucas, leaning forward on his chair, rubs his fingers together thoughtfully.]

OTTO

Phœbus,

[Lucas looks at him]

wake up.

LUCAS

I am awake.

OTTO

The devil you are.

[14]

[Getting up and stretching himself]

Let’s have another look at Farnham’s picture. Petherick thinks it’s rotten.

[Mercifully]

But then, Petherick’s a sculptor.

LUCAS

[Drily]

Can’t sculptors tell when things are rotten?

OTTO

[Briskly]

Apparently not—if we are to judge them by what they have done for our fair city.

LUCAS

[Rising and smiling]

You are severe this morning, Otto.

[In a fatherly way]

I hope you aren’t going to be severe with me.

OTTO

[Looking at him sharply]

I was going to be—but I won’t now.

[Frowning before the picture]

So this is Villa Vannevar.

LUCAS

[Smiling]

That’s what I said.

[15]

OTTO

[Still frowning]

Mrs. Weldon Farnham.

[Throwing up his hands]

Lucas, I can’t make it sound right.

LUCAS

[Drily]

What’s wrong about the sound of it? Farnham is a good fellow, isn’t he?

OTTO

[With emphasis]

He’s a fine fellow; and he’s one of his own best friends.

LUCAS

[Smiling grimly]

Well, that makes for prudence—and for longevity.

OTTO

[Drily]

Very good indeed. What do you think of this picture, Phœbus, anyhow?

LUCAS

It’s a pretty good picture. All things are relative.

OTTO

[Promptly]

Then you agree with Petherick.

LUCAS

Not necessarily.

[16]

[He looks around him uncomfortably]

But I don’t believe, Otto, that I’ll stay here any longer.

[Otto moves toward him]

You can entertain these women without me.

OTTO

[Backing Lucas into his chair]

There! You try that for a while. Farnham said you were to stay here till he came back.

[He takes another chair and sits facing Lucas]

Phœbus, you may kick me if you like, but I’m sorry for you. I’m dam sorry.

LUCAS

[With a doubtful scowl]

What do you think you are talking about, Otto?

OTTO

[Plunging]

Phœbus, I like you. I like you a lot. I’ve liked you for ten years—ever since I met you.

[Pause]

So far as I count for anything, I suppose I’m as good a friend as you have in the world.

LUCAS

[Pleased and embarrassed]

I’m glad to hear you say that, Otto.

OTTO

[With more confidence]

You’d better wait till I’m done with you.

[17]

LUCAS

[Smiling]

Go on. I’m at your service.

OTTO

[Clasping his knee and becoming very serious]

Very well. Tell me when to stop.

[Pause]

Phœbus, how much does Farnham know about you? Did he know anything about you before he came to New York? Let me see, that was four years ago.

LUCAS

[Surprised]

Probably not.

OTTO

Well, then, did Farnham know Villa Vannevar before he came to New York?

LUCAS

[Surprised]

Not to my knowledge.

OTTO

Am I getting too personal?

LUCAS

[Fighting with his curiosity]

You haven’t said anything injurious.

OTTO

Good. Now does Farnham.... Oh, the devil! I suppose I ought not to ask you this, but I’m going to, all [18]the same. Does Farnham know that Villa Vannevar cared more for you at one time than she cares now for any other man living?

LUCAS

[Rubbing his hands slowly]

I rather think, Otto, that you may as well stop.

OTTO

Are you going to kick me?

LUCAS

No. Your motive is good, and I try to judge a fellow by his motive.

[Taking a cheap watch from his pocket, he looks at it and shakes it at his ear]

What time is it?

OTTO

[With much vigor]

Phœbus, you can’t put me off. I’ve got you now, and I’m going to tell you what I think of you.

LUCAS

[Shaking his watch at his ear]

What do you think of me?

OTTO

[Nettled]

Well, I think you are going to the devil, for one thing.

LUCAS

[Grinning]

Only going? I was told the other day that I had arrived—with banners.

[19]

OTTO

Did Farnham tell you that?

LUCAS

That was Farnham’s hidden meaning.

OTTO

[After a pause]

Well, Phœbus, I can’t speak for Farnham. But there was a time when the rest of us would have said that you had empires up your sleeve.

[Impressively]

LUCAS

[Looking at his sleeve]

Then they must be there yet. I’ve never shaken them out.

OTTO

[With more fervor]

They may be there, but all the devils in hell, with microscopes, couldn’t find them there this morning. As you are fond of reading, you may have gathered, from various authorities, that empires don’t run themselves, exactly. When they do, they run down.

LUCAS

Like my watch.

[He shakes it, and returns it to his pocket]

OTTO

[Getting up with a sigh]

Phœbus, why don’t you try to find out where you are, [20]and stop pickling your brain with rum, and quit bewildering your inferiors, and go back to school? If you don’t, there will be a funeral one of these days, and you won’t have to walk. And what I say is all as true as God made great whales and little squirrels.

LUCAS

[Rubbing his knees and grinning]

Good. Say on.

[Otto gives a snort of disgust and moves towards the bust of Shakespeare, his hands in his trousers’ pockets and his face puckered with a scowl]

LUCAS

[Watching Otto with weary amusement]

Otto, tell me something more about this much-travelled Odysseus of many devices, whom Farnham calls Van Zorn.

[Otto removes his hat from the bust]

I thought you would do that, Otto.

[Otto puts his hat on his head and gives Lucas a look of discouragement]

Tell me about Van Zorn, Otto, and take off your hat.

[Otto spins his hat at Lucas, who catches it deftly and throws it over to the window seat]

I understand that he’s a fatalist—or something or other. Where does he live?

OTTO

[Piqued]

He doesn’t live anywhere. He doesn’t have to. He’s worth about twenty-five millions.

[21]

LUCAS

That isn’t very much. Is he in town?

OTTO

[Impatiently]

Yes, he’s in town.

LUCAS

How long is he going to stay?

OTTO

[Wearily]

How the devil do I know? I suppose he’ll stay as long as he likes the place. That’s what I should do, if I had twenty-five millions.

[Becoming more rancid]

And then, if the fancy seized me, I should pack my suitcase and go in for the irrigation of Mesopotamia.

LUCAS

[Still leaning forward and rubbing his hands slowly]

When is Farnham to be married?

OTTO

I don’t know. Didn’t you hear about the engagement?

LUCAS

[Getting up and speaking without apparent interest]

No.... I don’t hear about things any more.

[The bell rings and Lucas turns with a start]

I wonder who that is.

[He takes his watch from his pocket nervously and pretends to look at it][22]

OTTO

[Smiling as he looks at his own watch]

If you wish to know what time it is, it’s five minutes to twelve.

[Otto opens the door and admits Mrs. Lovett and Miss Villa Vannevar. Mrs. Lovett is a short lady of fifty, with a manner that is slightly affected, but not comically so. She is dressed in black, and in a manner calculated to suggest rather than to express mourning. Villa Vannevar is rather tall and very handsome, inclined to be unconventional and at times careless, naturally vivacious, but evidently not satisfied with her existence. She wears a walking suit of bright gray, with a smart hat]

OTTO

[With familiar mock-ceremony]

You are to come in—both of you—and you are to make yourselves entirely at home.

[To Mrs Lovett]

The genius of the place has gone to get some photographs of your friend Petherick’s bust of Edgar A. Poe, the eminent literary man.

[Turning to Lucas, who has found something interesting on the table]

Both of you remember Mr. Lucas, I suppose.

VILLA

[In a voice of friendly surprise]

Why it’s George!

[She goes to him and gives him her hand, which he takes slowly, and holds a little longer than he means to]

Why, Auntie, it’s George!

[23]

[To Lucas]

You remember my aunt, don’t you, George?

LUCAS

I remember Mrs. Lovett very well.

MRS. LOVETT

[without warmth]

Of course I remember Mr. Lucas.

[To Otto]

And now, Otto, you bad child

[Holding up her finger]

oh, yes! I have read your wicked books, and I know just how bad you are

[Laughing]

—Villa and I are perishing to see the picture in its new frame.

[To Villa]

Shall we wait for dear Weldon to come back? Artists are so queer, you know, and

[To Otto, with a smile]

So very sensitive.

OTTO

[Beaming]

Very sensitive indeed. Have you read my last one—Au Cinquième? It came out day before yesterday.

VILLA

[Amused]

I’m sorry, Otto, but we haven’t even seen it.

[24]

OTTO

[Briskly]

In that case,

[To Mrs. Lovett]

you cannot possibly know how bad I am.—As for the frame,

[Moving towards the picture]

the frame is a beautiful piece of work. In point of fact, I don’t quite see how you are going to get along without it.

[Mrs. Lovett follows him and they stand together before the picture. Lucas and Villa remain near the table, she becoming very serious and he pretending, not very well, to take a humorous view of the situation]

MRS. LOVETT

[After a silence]

Aren’t you coming to see yourself, Villa?

VILLA

I’ll watch you and Otto—and talk with George. I know just how the picture looks, and I haven’t seen George for a thousand years.

[Mrs. Lovett frowns a little and Otto smiles to himself significantly]

MRS. LOVETT

[Looking at the picture]

Oh—dear!

[She sighs and looks at Otto, who stands on his toes for a moment and then shakes his head]

VILLA

[Turning from Lucas to Mrs. Lovett, and laughing]

What’s the matter, Auntie?

[25]

MRS. LOVETT

[With ample resignation]

I don’t know what to say about it.

[She looks at Lucas, who does not see her, and then looks at Otto]

You say something, Otto. I simply don’t know how.

OTTO

I would gladly be of assistance, my dear Madam, but I don’t know how to say anything about it either.

[Looking at Lucas]

But there’s Lucas; he knows how to say something about it.

MRS. LOVETT

[After a quick frown]

Tell me the truth, Otto.

[She sighs again]

VILLA

[Turning and laughing]

If you do, Otto, I’ll tell Weldon everything you say.

OTTO

[Looking from Villa to Mrs. Lovett, with a grimace]

You seem to know the truth already. If you don’t, I cannot tell a lie.

[Very distinctly]

In the last analysis, then, the thing is worse than—than office-hours.

VILLA

[With determination]

I’m going to say something now. I’m going to ask Otto [26]to turn that picture to the wall until Weldon comes back. I won’t have it abused.

[To Lucas, with sorry laugh]

The only trouble with that picture is that it isn’t me.

LUCAS

[Drily]