VERSE AND WORSE

BY HARRY GRAHAM ('COL. D. STREAMER') AUTHOR OF 'BALLADS OF THE BOER WAR,' 'RUTHLESS RHYMES FOR HEARTLESS HOMES,' 'MISREPRESENTATIVE MEN,' 'FISCAL BALLADS,' ETC., ETC. LONDON EDWARD ARNOLD 41 & 43 MADDOX STREET, BOND STREET, W. 1905 [All rights reserved]

NOTE

The Baby's Baedeker and Perverted Proverbs have been published in America by Mr. R. H. Russell and Messrs. Harper Bros. of New York.

'The Ballad of Ping-pong,' 'Bill,' and 'The Place where the Old Cleek Broke,' have appeared in The Century Magazine, The Outlook, and Golf respectively.

'Uncle Joe,' 'Aunt Eliza,' 'John,' 'The Cat,' and 'Bluebeard,' were included in Mr. Russell's American edition of Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes.

[Pg v]

AUTHOR'S PREFACE

[Pg xi]

FOREWORD

[Pg 1]

THE BABY'S BAEDEKER

An International Guide-Book for the young of all ages; peculiarly adapted to the wants of first and second Childhood.

[Pg 3]

I

ABROAD

[Pg 6]

II

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

[Pg 9]

III

GREAT BRITAIN

[Pg 11]

IV

SCOTLAND

[Pg 13]

V

IRELAND

[Pg 15]

VI

WALES

[Pg 16]

VII

CHINA

[Pg 19]

VIII

FRANCE

[Pg 21]

IX

GERMANY

[Pg 23]

X

HOLLAND

[Pg 26]

XI

ICELAND

[Pg 27]

XII

ITALY

[Pg 30]

XIII

JAPAN

[Pg 32]

XIV

PORTUGAL

[Pg 33]

XV

RUSSIA

[Pg 36]

XVI

SPAIN

[Pg 39]

XVII

SWITZERLAND

[Pg 41]

XVIII

TURKEY

[Pg 44]

XIX

DREAMLAND

[Pg 47]

XX

STAGELAND

[Pg 48]

XXI

LOVERLAND

[Pg 53]

XXII

HOMELAND

[Pg 55]

CHILDISH COMPLAINTS AND OTHER RUTHLESS RHYMES

[Pg 57]

CHILDISH COMPLAINTS

PRELUDE

(By Way of Advertisement)

[Pg 61]

CHILDISH COMPLAINTS

No. 1 (Appendicitis)

No. 2. (Whooping-cough)

[Pg 62]

No. 3. (Measles)

No. 4. (Adenoids)

No. 5. (Croup)

[Pg 63]

RUTHLESS RHYMES

I MOTHER-WIT

[Pg 64]

II UNCLE JOE

[Pg 65]

III AUNT ELIZA

[Pg 66]

IV ABSENT-MINDEDNESS

[Pg 68]

V JOHN

[Pg 71]

VI BABY

[Pg 72]

VII THE CAT

(Advice to the Young)

[Pg 75]

PART III PERVERTED PROVERBS

[Pg 77]

I 'VIRTUE IS ITS OWN REWARD'

[Pg 86]

II 'ENOUGH IS AS GOOD AS A FEAST'

[Pg 89]

III 'DON'T BUY A PIG IN A POKE'

[Pg 91]

IV 'LEARN TO TAKE THINGS EASILY'

[Pg 92]

V 'A ROLLING STONE GATHERS NO MOSS'

[Pg 96]

VI 'IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND'

[Pg 99]

VII 'A BAD WORKMAN COMPLAINS OF HIS TOOLS'

[Pg 100]

VIII 'DON'T LOOK A GIFT-HORSE IN THE MOUTH'

[Pg 103]

IX POTPOURRI

[Pg 109]

PART IV OTHER VERSES

[Pg 111]

BILL

(Told by the Hospital Orderly)

[Pg 114]

THE LEGEND OF THE AUTHOR

(A long way after Ingoldsby)

[Pg 128]

THE MOTRIOT

(After Robert Browning)

[Pg 130]

THE BALLAD OF THE ARTIST

[Pg 135]

THE BALLAD OF PING-PONG

(After Swinburne)

[Pg 138]

THE PESSIMIST

(After Maeterlinck)

[Pg 140]

THE PLACE WHERE THE OLD CLEEK BROKE

(After Whyte-Melville)

[Pg 143]

THE HOMES OF LONDON

(After Mrs. Hemans)

[Pg 146]

THE HAPPIEST LAND

(After Longfellow)

[Pg 151]

A LONDON INVOLUNTARY

(After W. E. Henley)

Spizzicato non poco skirtsando

[Pg 154]

BLUEBEARD

[Pg 166]

'THE WOMAN WITH THE DEAD SOLES'

(After Stephen Phillips)

[Pg 170]

ROSEMARY

(A Ballad of the Boudoir)

[Pg 172]

PORTKNOCKIE'S PORTER

(With apologies to Porphyria's Lover)

[Pg 176]

THE BALLAD OF THE LITTLE JINGLANDER

'WHEN THE MOTHER COUNTRY CALLS!'

(With apologies to all concerned)

[Pg 182]

AFTWORD

[Pg 185]

ENVOI

FINIS.

Printed by T. and A. Constable, Printers to His Majesty at the Edinburgh University Press